Capturer of Hearts

Thank you lele253isme for helping me with the title! Ok I was looking at the contests and found the contest "FALLING" and I wrote a poem in like 2 seconds It isn't like just made up though it's really about some one so tell me what you think of it.

You inspire so many
Put girls under your spell
And they don't even know what you look like
I can tell

You capture things that you see-
Beautiful beaches,
The people you know and love-
And share them with everyone
And the girls seem to swoon

I caught myself falling too
Irresponsibly and incredibly
Envying you and your amazing eye

Your pictures are like poetry
They speak to a girls soul

If you use it as your weapon
It could kill

OK let me begin by saying I never critique poetry. I never read poetry, let alone critique it.
But I noticed you didn't have a title so I thought I would try help.

You inspire so many
Put girls under your spell
And they don't even know what you look like
I can tell

This is why I don't read poetry. It's too abstract for me. I just end up clutching patches of hair from my head, trying to decide what the hell's going on.

As for a name, I think you should call it 'Night hawk' - it's so brooding and intense. But seriously, I think you should call it something vague, feign depth with ambiguity (seems to be a common theme with poetry) so people are inclined to read it. Something like "All I ever wanted" or "Precious moments" that would be my only suggestion because I am anything-but qualified to critique this poem. I'm sure it's great though, if that's what you're into. good luck!
JP

This poem rocks, really. The imagery and the way you describe this boy's pictures. I love the ending the most. I think this poem could be called Capture Hearts or The Picture of Perfect.

Hi,

This is an interesting slant on a love poem. I really enjoyed:
"You capture things that you see-
Beautiful beaches,
The people you know and love-
And share them with everyone."

and

"Your pictures are like poetry ."

I'd change the title to something more specific. I'd also cut general lines like "caught myself falling", and instead focus on more image-driven lines. Personally I found the boy's art fascinating, so I'd really like some descriptions of him creating it, and some descriptions of the speaker watching him. Instead of saying "I caught myself...incredibly" maybe show the speaker her watching, how she stands, how she reacts, why this affects her so much.

Hope this helps.

Please feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.

Jas

I caught myself feeling confused a lot, because of your lack of punctuation. In most places that you left blank, you should add a comma or period, otherwise it all flows into one, confusing sentence.

"And they don't even know what you look like" should probably be shortened to something like "But haven't even seen your face." That isn't much shorter, but you get what I'm saying.
"I can tell." The last line in your first stanza, I just don't understand what you're trying to say with this.

The second stanza is majestic and smooth, but the use of two "and"s like that disrupts the flow.

The next two stanzas might work better as one, but that's my opinion. They were nicely written though, with that tinge of guilt within.

And then the last two lines, I just can't seem to work them into the general theme of the poem. They don't really belong here, in my opinion.

Overall, this was enjoyable. I really liked the simile "Your pictures are like poetry." Good job, girl.
--Brandon
Xoxo

Heey unsocial butterfly! =)
I want to start of with saying that I really liked this poem and that it totally made me think about someone on this site XD
I love the words you used and I like how it sounds so poetic =) So good job on that! I do suggest you put punctuation in there to make it easier to read, because there's no period in there at all.
And another suggestion:

If you use it as your weapon
It could kill

I love the idea behind it, but I think you should make the last sentence a little longer to make it flow better, but maybe that's just me. If it is then you should just ignore I ever said that XD

Okay that was all I had to say =) I hope this helped a little and keep writing!
*clicks like*
-qaralynn-

this rocks!!!