DELETE

DELETE

Oh my. Was this poem an 'impulse' thing? I see it's dotted with little errors.

Preachergirl18 wrote:They just crush my soul
With there lies of deceit

'Their' should be used in place of 'there'.

Preachergirl18 wrote:They say they you God
But them they sleep

Something very disjointed about these sentences. I think there ought to have been a word between 'you' and 'God'.

Preachergirl18 wrote:I am a preach I am a soul of God

Again, that disjointed feeling. Punctuation would doubtlessly be useful here, too.

Preachergirl18 wrote:When without a doubt they still in there mess

'Their', dear, 'their'.

Preachergirl18 wrote:Knowing in the back of the church you smoking weed

'You're'. surely?

Preachergirl18 wrote:But you know in your heart it was a lye from the start

'Lye'? Please don't mix modern and archaic English. Besides being outdated, it's painful.

Preachergirl18 wrote:Trying to make money my raising funds

'By' in place of 'my'.

Preachergirl18 wrote:Gossiping about people saying there hoes

'They're', not 'there'.

Preachergirl18 wrote:What happen to the church

The axis upon which your poem rests is crippled by lack of punctuation.

Preachergirl18 wrote:Saying shhhhhhhhhhh we just going to leave it
Not telling and you say your a transparent man

Again, some punctuation would a godsend. And it's 'you're', not 'your'.

Preachergirl18 wrote:So tell me What happen to our church
Tell me what happen to MY church.

Again, I see this was supposed to be a powerful ending. Capitalization of odd words and misplaced grammar gives it a poor feel.

You have not tried your best with this poem! Revise it with my suggestions in mind,and hopefully you'll come out with a better draft. Pay attention to words like 'their', 'there' and 'they're'. Punctuation is not evil.
This is a powerful topic to write about, but fumbling over the language is no way to bring your points across.

(The dogs are cute but random.)

Me like.

I agree with the message you have here. However you did have a few mistakes and a lot of how you spoke seemed really ghetto..lol. I'm sorry if that offends you, but it comes off being juvenile. I will list the mistakes that I've observed in bold below. I'm sure the other person pointed out all of the mistakes, but I don't feel like reading what he/she said.

The sermons that run in my head
when people take God and turn him into trash
They just crush my soul
With their lies of deceit
They say that you are an awesome God
But them they are in the back sleep
Going to the club is not making your soul right
You should pray even at night
The things they say
They say I'm a preach I'm a soul of God
But them they trade clothes and souls
They lie about how God is doing for them
They say how they made it out
When without a doubt they still in there mess
Just spreading it around like a disease
They share there hearts with unrighteous souls
Knowing God said that is not the goal
Telling the church come praise with me
Knowing in the back of the church you're smoking weed
Saying that God is going to give you cars,houses, and more
But you know in your heart it was a lie from the start
Trying to make money by raising funds
Knowing that when its done
You get the new shoes you liked
Going to church with the shortest of clothes
Gossiping about people saying their hoes
What happen to the church
Where is the time when we could go into church without seeing people texting numbers
Even the preachers doing stuff they have no right
Telling the saints we go be all right
When they know they in the back keeping secrets
Saying shhhhhhhhhhh we just going to leave it
Not telling and you say you're a transparent man
Knowing if God was here
You'd be making plans
Saying Lord I didn't do this
Making girls do things they know is not right
Making men of God turn into people who are not of God
So tell me what happen to our church
Tell me what happen to my church.

1. It would better if you take "them" out. Also it should be "asleep"
2. Would be better as "I'm a preacher"
3. "Them" should be taken out again.
4. Change "how" into "what".
5. This doesn't sound intelligent...perhaps you should change it into "When, without a doubt they're still in a mess."
6. Completely ghetto and highly implausible about people "smoking weed" in the back.
7. "Its" should be "It's"
8. Shortest of clothes...hmm, I assume you mean people coming to church dressed immodest. You probably should just say people coming to church dressed immodest.
9. "their" should be "they're"
10. Who do you know that only text "numbers". Take out numbers and just leave "texting"
11. Instead of saying "doing stuff they have no right" you should put "do the things that aren't right"
12. "we go be all right"..again very ghetto...you should put "we are going to be all right"
13. "they in the back keeping secrets" should be "they're in the back keeping secrets"
14. "we" should be "we're"..although the sentence sounds incomplete with or without the change
15. This whole statement is inaccurate and foolish to say. The church itself does not "make" anyone do anything. People choose to make the mistakes they make. It's all done by choice.

Like I said before
I agree a lot of what you've written and I find that organized religion is really f***ed up and is full of hypocrisy. However, I know my review may seem harsh, but if you are trying to make a point you should really pay attention to how well it sounds and also check the grammer and such. Otherwise you come off as being a self-righteous ghetto goofball.