Dark Light: Chapter 1

The woods are a quiet sort of thing, easy to hide in… forever. But I can’t hide in them forever; I refuse to live in a shadow of a forgotten species.
I dance through the trees and laugh, because I know that this world can’t contain me. The forest ground is moist and as I run though, it seems as if the birch trees have lain down a red carpet for my bare feet.
Soon enough, maybe a bit too soon, I reach a hard black path: the boundary. “Where the imbeciles reside,” Bradan, Father’s watchman had said. I was often left with him as a cosantóir (protector in Irish). Perhaps Father had hoped some of his darkness would rub off on me and I’d choose his nature, or better yet, I’d be attracted to the dark in his watchman.
In early light, few iron destroyers are on the black path, and with that I am pleased. I allow myself to smile slightly at the rules I’m about to break, again. I walk across the road in quick, light steps; trying to avoid sharp ground cutting into my feet. The other side of the road is a blurry memory, but not entirely new. I know where the nearby dwelling places of the humans are, and pass by them without difficulty. The tricky part is finding the right “house” to invade, especially since homes are scarce in the area, often being miles apart.
I have a lead, a slim lead that’s just barely enough. Others will be sent out to look for me soon.
***
Rain has begun to pour from the sky when I slip into a human home. It is not hidden. There is a strong scent of magic here; and I can feel it pulsing, calling to me. Perhaps another one like me lives here, but that’s hardly realistic. I follow the magic up a flight of stairs and into a bedroom.
The first thing I notice is the simplicity of it all and the white walls. The second thing I notice is the boy lying on the bed. He looks about my age, but I don’t know how accurate my judgment is. For all I know, age could work differently for humans. Everything seems different about them, unfamiliar.
Suddenly, there is a loud noise from a vibrating object, and I immediately take the shape of a mouse, and hide under the bed. There is shuffling in the bed, and then the boy is gone. He calls out in the hallway for a “Buster” and I hear the jingling sound of bells. The front door opens and closes.
I come out of my hiding place and crawl into the bed, and take my natural form. It’s cozy under the sheets and the bed is much softer than the forest floor. I remember how tired I am and my eyes glue themselves shut as I drift off to a hazy state of mind.
“You don’t belong here or there,” Heather had said.
“Yes I do, my father’s the Dark King and my mother’s the Light Queen. Someday I’m going to rule both kingdoms,” I’d responded angrily, wrapping my fingers around Heather’s neck.
“Don’t touch me, you mutant,” she’d spat. I let go, hurt.
My cheeks were bright red now. “How dare you call me that!”
“Mu-tant, mu-tant, Mu-tant,” Heather sang, bouncing her dark purple locks of hair back and forth.
“I said, don’t call me that.” My cheeks were hot as fire now.
“You said how dare you not don’t,” Heather mocked.
I took out the sharp hunting knife my father gave me for protection. “You don’t mock your queen,” I said and then I cut my name into her squirming arm, shoving bits of dirt into it so that even the healer elves couldn’t remove the wound.
But this Heather doesn’t cry like she’s supposed to, submit to my authority like she did when I was five. She laughs, cackles. “You said you were going to rule both kingdoms. What have you got now? Nothing. I was right. You don’t belong, and now you know.”
“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” The voice doesn’t belong to me or Heather’s. It’s masculine. Heather is gone and so am I. In our place is blackness. I don’t want to open my eyes to the dread or face it so I don’t reply, hoping it will go away if I ignore it for long enough. “If you don’t tell me- I’m, I’m gonna call the cops.”
I don’t know what cops are and I’m not human so I suppose it doesn’t apply to me. Nothing applies to me, not really. Except the wet thing licking my cheek.
“No, Buster. Bad boy. Don’t lick the perpetrator.”
This, I have to see. I’ve never seen a Buster before. So I open my eyes. In front of them is a furry black and white creature with floppy ears. I stoke my hand through its hair gingerly.
“Hi,” I say and immediately realize how strange my voice sounds against his human one.
The boy jumps back a few steps and drops the metal stick in his hand. I think it’s kind of cute that he’s scared, except for the fact that the scent of his magic grows stronger with his fear. Magic is too unpredictable at heightened states. Not that I would know. I don’t know because I don’t have that much.
“What are you?” the boy asks, he comes a little closer and I jump out of his bed.
“Not human or faery, but besides that I’m not really sure,” I lie. I do know what I am, but humans can’t be trusted.
“Okay-“ He’s not as scared as he should be, and seems to really try to grasp this concept.
I don’t ask him what he is, because if he were to react badly, I wouldn’t be able to protect myself enough. There are limits to every being’s magic, and he seems to have fewer restraints on his.
“My turn. Why aren’t you scared?” I stare at him and close my eyes so they’re just slits with glowing animal inside of them and my red hair turns to the color of the night. My dark nature is no longer suppressed.
His pupils dilate at my sudden change. “That. Is. Sick. It’s hard to believe you’re not an actress who strayed away from her set.”
The way his eyes seem to brighten remind me of how Mallory’s human eyes did once too for me… The hurt is back, and I can feel myself breaking apart. It was my fault. All of it was my fault.
“Thanks,” I say politely, though I can only think of Mallory and how the last time he breathed was when we went to see an actress in a dark room with moving images.
There are creaking sounds and before this boy can say anything else, a female voice breaks the air. “Spencer, you better be up already. You’re going to be late again. I don’t want to have to drive you to school. Your father and I are on a tight schedule.”
“You’re not my mom,” Spencer mutters. His level of magic seems to heighten again and it’s almost weird that it doesn’t just burst already, that he doesn’t just make something unusual happen. I would if I have that much power. “I have to go, but don’t leave. I want to talk to you more. Buster can keep you company. Right, Buster?” He pets the Buster and it wags its tail. “By the way, I’m Spencer if you didn’t hear and I don’t believe you told me who you are.”
“Melanie,” I lie again. He doesn’t need to know my real name if we won’t be seeing each other again.


Some things I'd like your opinion for:

Spoiler

-Is Buster's appearance real enough. By this I mean does he seem fake and not doggy-like enough?
-Was this chapter too long? Did I keep your interest or begin boring you? If so, where did I lose you?
-Your opinion of the characters introduced so far.
-Poor flowing parts?
-Is the writing itself okay?
-Would you read more?

Thank you for your time!

Hmm... to start with your questions:

Buster seemed a doggy enough kind of dog to me. But I've only ever actually touched a dog once, so I'm not the best of people to ask.
The chapter didn't seem too long, though I couldn't help feeling this was meant to be a continuation to another story. You often introduced names that seem to have some connection with the protagonists but you never go into detail. Or that's what I think. Maybe it's just me.
Spencer's okay, for a wary human. Though I doubt a scared person - or an angry one - would spend time on saying 'perpetrator'.
I liked 'Melanie', and your descriptions kept me wondering what she was. I initially though she was a nymph, or a dryad. Her thoughts don't flow very smoothly, but then not everybody's does. Could it be indication of a flighty, perhaps quick nature? ^U^
Your writing is awesome. I loved the starting - I usually glance through Fantasy, but that starting caught me. [hugs it] The description of the woods - mmm, yes, I will be reading more if you will post it. Pity there isn't, like, a subscribe option for novels... or maybe there was, and I missed it. I'm not here often, so yeah.
Keep writing this! I love the premise, and I'm waiting for Chapter 2.

To answer your questions:
Busters appearance is okay, but we didn't get much of it. We only got a snippet of Buster's looks, and thats only sight. Maybe Buster is panting or something, but my dog and my friends dogs all make some sort of noise when they meet someone new, like barking. This isn't sound, but my dog personally always jumps up (stands on hind legs and put his other two on whoever's legs) happily. If the dog is wary, it might growl. Feel free to PM me about any of this dog stuff, but if you don't know a dog and their reactions, see if Buster is really needed in this story.
My interest was at its peak in the intro, honestly. If you explained some things better and provided a better hook, it would be better. I'll explain more on this later.
No, it wasn't too long.
I'll answer about the flow later in this review, as well as the question about the writing.
Yes, I'll keep reading.
Now, on to the actual review:
Your concept seems fresh and interesting. I like where this plot is headed,and this novel has a lot of potential. One thing that stood out to me was the lack of emotions and the characters could use some more depth. Your dialogue is slightly awkward, too, but everyone has trouble with that.
General Points
Emotions: I like how you aren't just telling emotions all the time. Something about the emotions I pick up in this just makes them unreal, in a sense. Try and go more in depth to them.
Reactions: Your reactions seem a bit off. Like when Melanie meets Buster, she's wary of him but pets him? That confused me, since that emotion and that action don't seem to go together.
Tense: The tense of this chapter, especially the memory with Heather, wasn't very good. I'll point them out in my nitpicks.
Spencer: Well, this fits into reactions, but wouldn't he be a bit more freaked out? I mean, a random girl just appeared.

Show, don't tell: When you describe her actions, like:

I follow the magic up a flight of stairs and into a bedroom.

, it's bland, in a sense. Try showing her actions, like saying: Breathing in the sense of the magic, I walk up the stairs until I reach a door where trail of the magic ends. Notice I didn't use the word follow, yet you can still tell thats what she did.

Nitpicks Click the spoiler button to see them, I didn't want to take up too much space.

Spoiler

The woods are a quiet sort of thing, easy to hide inThe ellipse isn't needed. forever.

But I can't hide in them forever; I refuse to live in a shadow of a forgotten species.

You can separate this into two sentences. You could also show more stubbornness in the second sentence, its a good place to show emotion.

I dance though *through* the trees and laugh, no comma because I know that this world can't contain me

I like this image, as well as your description in the whole area, by the way.

Where the imbeciles reside, [/color

This seems off and doesn't flow right. I don't know why, but using the word imbecile here just doesn't fit.

I was often left with him as a cosantoir (protector in Irish).

You shouldn't have to have that side note, maybe you can try: I spent a lot of time with him, he was my protector or consantoir as my people, the Irish, call it.
I like how you gave a hint to the country and heritage there, by the way.

I'd be attracted to the dark in his watchman.

Wait, do you mean this in a romantic way or as a way of saying her father wanted her swayed to the dark side?

I walk across the road in quick, light steps; trying to avoid the sharp ground cutting into my feet. The other side of the road is a blurry memory, but not entirely new.[color=#FF0000]That sentence confused me. I know where the nearby dwelling places of the humans are, and pass by them without difficulty. The tricky part is finding the right %u201Chouse%u201D to invade, especially since homes are scarce in the area, often being miles apart.

Again with 'show, don't tell.'
But nice with alluding to the fact that she's in a rural area, with homes being ,miles apart. Or I think that's where she is, anyway.

I have a lead, a slim lead that%u2019s just barely enough. Others will be sent out to look for me soon.

I like this. It's a good hook, and keeps the reader interested. Maybe you could give away a bit more, though, like why their looking for her or where she'll be.

Rain has begun to pour from the sky when I slip into a human home.

This is phrased strangely, to me. Try rewording it.

It is not hidden. There is a strong scent of magic here; and I can feel it pulsing, calling to me.

What isn't hidden? I'm confused. You could describe the magic calling to her more, maybe use some metaphors or something.

The first thing I notice is the simplicity of it all and the white walls. The second thing I notice [color=#FF0000]I don't know why I don't like this wording. But I don't, so I feel I should point it out anyways [/color] is the boy lying on the bed. He looks about my age, but I don’t know how accurate my judgment is. For all I know, age could work differently for humans. Everything seems different about them, unfamiliar.

Question: If this Mallory guy later mentioned is human like I think he is, then wouldn't she be slightly familiar with humans, at least? But, I don't know your story too well.
Oh, and is the boy asleep? Try describing him a bit better.

Suddenly, there is a loud noise from a vibrating object, and I immediately take the shape of a mouse, hiding under the bed.

Maybe 'mouse and hide under the bed'?

There is shuffling in the bed, and then the boy is gone. (Maybe you could say something about his footsteps leaving the room, him yawning and getting up, the bed springs creaking as he stands, etc.) He calls out in the hallway for a “Buster” and I hear the jingling sound of bells. The front door opens and closes.(Mention something about the sound here. She can't see the door opening and closing, for that matter, how does she know its the front door?)

You could describe this better, especially the parts in red.

“You don’t belong here or there. comma” Heather had said.

Could you put this dream-thing into italics, or something, so it's separated from the rest of the text?

“Yes I do, my father’s the Dark King and My M other’s*my mothers* the Light Queen. Someday I’m going to rule both kingdoms,”

“Don’t touch me, you mutant,” she’d spitted. *spat* I let go, hurt. *Why is she hurt? SHe's the one strangling Heather, not the other way around.

“I saidcomma don’t call me that.” My cheeks were hot as fire now. This is present tense

“You said how dare you not don’t,” Heather mocked.

Could you clear this up? I thought it was just a typo until I reread it a couple times.

I took out the sharp hunting knife my father gave me for protection. “You don’t mock your queen,” I said and then I cut my name into her squirming arm, shoving bits of dirt into it so that even the healer elves can’t *tense* remove the wound.

You should play more on the anger she's feeling, give the conversation more depth. The amount of anger you showed doesn't fit with this action, so it seems sudden.

“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?” The voice doesn’t belong to me or Heather’s. It’s masculine. Heather is gone and so am I. In our place is blackness.

Could you reword this? It doesn't flow right.

Okay, I have officially been evicted by my parents from my computer, so I can't finish this review. I might be able to later, if you want more nitpicks, and just PM me if you do.

Oh, and to clear up some of my points: I didn't like how Spencer wanted to talk to Melanie. It seemed...off. I like the other aspects of his character, but if your trying to make him sound like one of his traits is 'too trusting' then I feel it could be better written, but thats just me.
Oh, and I would advise you to go over the Heather-dream for tenses. It wasn't a problem anywhere else, really.
Overall, i liked this, and I'll keep reading and reviewing as long as I have time. I especially liked how it ended, with a touch of mystery that makes me wonder.
Remember, PM me if you want me to give you more nitpicks!
-Vela

Here as requested.

First impression: Wow. That green is really bright. Why is it there? Oh. Translation note. Why is that there? Whatever happened to using plain old English or context clues?

As you can guess, the green and me do not get along, and I recommend you nix it because, eye-burny-ness aside, inserting a translation note right in the middle of the text is a major flow-breaker for your story. It jars your reader out of the narrative more than just having the word alone would as you're basically interrupting the story to give an unscheduled author's note. The color just magnifies this kick-out-of-story-ness.

As briefly mentioned before, using plain old English is often the best choice, unless there are other, visible and relevant, in-story reasons for not doing so. In that case, rather than stick in a translation note, you would do better to hint at the meaning of the word through its context. How is the word being used? In what situation? How do the characters react to it?

Right now, you've already hinted that consantóir means guardian or protector of some sort earlier on, so the translation note is overkill.

Suddenly, there is

"Suddenly" is such a tricky word to use effectively. It so easily comes across as contrived, else lazy, as if the writer couldn't think up a better transition or even they didn't know what was going to happen next. I suggest substituting "suddenly" with something else; even something like "out of nowhere" works better than "suddenly".

The dream scene with Heather struck me as completely contrived and not well-handled. It's there to do what exactly? Right now, it hammers your reader with "The MC's a halfbreed! And she was discriminated against! Oh! She's rather vicious and petty too!"

Learning that she's a halfbreed early on in the story makes sense. That's fine. What's not so fine is how you have a rather trite scene of her cutting up someone who discriminated against her for no apparent reason than "Just Because". And do you really want to show us that your character is petty and vicious?

If the discrimination is actually essential to the plot (and not just there for the purposes of character angst), then show it to your readers gradually, as the story goes along. Your readers aren't dumb, and they'll really appreciate being treated as intelligent readers. Show the discrimination in bits and pieces: a cruel word here, being ignored there, a law or general attitude against X attribute/characters, etc. There's no need to outright state that there's discrimination, and especially not by way of a character who really isn't a character so much as a bleeding piece of cardboard there to be cut up by the MC as far as the first chapter is concerned.

In any case, this type of story really isn't my cup of tea, so I personally wouldn't read more. That's no fault of your own, really, and I will say that this was readable, green-blinding-ness aside.