Ghost Train

An ancient track
Winding its way up a mountain
Rusted rails, rotten wood
Weeds reaching up to choke it

An abandoned station
The clamor of passengers long since lost
Baggage carts standing empty
The depot crumbling to the ground
Its life peeled away like the paint
The only sound left is that of the mournful wind

A majestic steam engine
Its wheels rusted like the track, never to move again
The fire and steam, its breath of life, have burned out
It stands, merely a shadow, a shell,
Of the legend it once was
The wail of its whistle, echoing off the hills
Is lost to living memory
Once master of the railway is now a ghost

So, I wish I could give a more helpful review, but I didn't see anything wrong. Although, it did seem weird that you had no punctuation in the first stanza, only one comma in the second, and then tons of commas in the third. It seems like you should add more punctuation or just not have any. That's the only nitpick I have though. You're descriptions and imagery were amazing! The last line was the best, I think. It completely captured the whole poem and well, it was just good! Keep writing!! I definitely want to read more from you.

i really liked this poem. the imagine it painted in my mind was...different ? in a good way. i imagined the old train just sitting there on the tracks for years while the rest of the world went on living. very good. and on the technical side...i didn't find anything wrong with your poem so A+ to you. I actually liked the fact that you didn't include punctuation. it's completely different from what we are taught in school. am i correct? x) very good details. as i said before...the image this poem painted in my mind was unlike any other. i promise you this. anyways, excellent poem. beautifully written. keep up the good work.

I hate poetry since it makes me have to think so deeply.

This poem is just sort of tragic, because to be honest, trains are sort of a symbol of the past. I mean, yes we have subways, but they just don't compare to the classic wooden train that chugs along rails do they?

I think that the passing of time often makes ghosts out of everything older and more ancient. You really captured the emotion in your last 4 lines here:

It stands, merely a shadow, a shell,
Of the legend it once was
The wail of its whistle, echoing off the hills
Is lost to living memory

It's both imagery and strangely compelling. I don't usually like poems, but I liked yours!

Please keep up the good work~

By the way. Have you seen Spirited Away? There is a train in that movie that Chihiro rides, and it actually cuts through water. The reason why I am saying this, is because there are ghosts that ride that train, or spirits rather, and that scene just matches perfectly with your poem.

Wow, that IS pretty good. But, I think I might have to agree with my friend, Caily, it's sort of awkward with no punctuation in the beginning. But that's okay I guess. Just make sure that if you don't put punctuation in the beginning you shouldn't put punctuation in the middle or the end. do you get that? I hope you do, because lately, i've been sort of confusing........

Good Job, and KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!

-Kat

mellophone7 wrote:It stands, merely a shadow, a shell,
Of the legend it once was

I think these two lines would be omitted. But so you don't just think I'm bossing you, let me try to make a case:
1) being "a shell" of the legend it once was doesn't quite flow
2) the last stanza is a tad too long
3) it's kind of a cliche, for something to be the shadow of the image it was (even if those weren't your exact words)
4) the rest of the stanza was so perfect that this just distracts from the rest of the stanza.
So I hope you take that into consideration, especially since it is the only nitpick I have. I hold a special contempt for punctuation, and since you have dabbled commas here and there I didn't think it was particularly pertinent how many are in each stanza.
And if you take my advice and omit those lines, the comma problem will be eliminated because you'll have one comma in both he first and third stanzas. So essentially killing two birds with one stone.
So after droning on and on about one nitpick, let me say that this was a great poem. Simple, with solid imagery that tells a story and illustrates a point.
Great job and as always, keep writing.

Overall, this poem not only gave me very vivid images but also emotions. I'm having a difficult time describing the feelings this poem gave me, so I'm not much help when it comes to that. My favorite sensory line was "The clamor of passengers long since lost". I could see and hear the ghosts of the passengers hustling through the crowd to catch their train. I heard the steam blasts and sounds of metal machinery. The other line that jumped out at me was "The wail of its whistle," mostly because the alliteration caught my attention. Come to think of it, the other line also had a bit of alliteration with "long since lost".

The only critique I have is with the last line of your first stanza. In my opinion using "choke" to describe weeds has become a bit too cliché to use.

Awesome job! Keep writing!

I like it... To all those who haven't picked up on it, I heartily approve of ignoring some punctuation in poetry. It can character to the piece. This poem is definitely meant to be in narrative. I really like the story that the description of the train tells in itself. I also really really like how you used the "once master of the railway is now a ghost" line. I love those kinds! Well, keep it up! This is good stuff!

I really enjoyed reading this! It was a simple easy read which is great for me! I found no grammatical mistakes and it flowed very well! I normally don't read very much poetry, but this is what I like to find when I do If you write short stories or novels, this would be a great topic! Keep writing! BRAVO

Mornin, Mello.

I like your touch with imagery. You’ve got a nice start here with description, but upon close inspection, that’s just about all it adds up to. You have a shell of a poem that’s well-developed, you see, that could better serve its purpose as a poem about a life long-past, or the mourning of past days. Given that, you have the metaphors anchored, but they’re still very empty.

Consider this:

The train, which is already a metaphor’s anchor for faded glory and the like, may have served a family trip when you were a child, or perhaps a honeymoon or anything that could spark emotion in the reader. Things that move us as humans need to be jammed in here. Right now, as a lively teen, I doubt you feel much sadness for a lost youthful glory, and that makes me question what you’re getting at.

Other than that, you should learn about this misconception with poetry: not every line must begin with a capital letter. In fact, most probably won’t. Write the poem as if you were writing prose, punctuate and capitalize as is natural, and then add your line breaks. You won’t fail.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments. Hope this helps a bit.

-Lumi

You made sure you described everything, and it worked. I was able to imagine the train and stuff. It was good. Nice job =D

i LIKE IT, it has a story and it defenitly fits in narative poetry, It makes you think and i like that about it!
The only thing i dislike WAIT I LOVE IT ALL! this poem rocks!
you have talent in poetry keep it up this rocks!!!