Chapter 1: Irritum

Chapter 1: Irritum
Viewpoint: Annabeth


Once upon a time their was a princess. By the goddess which she was named her duty was to protect the people in her village. You see there was a war raging between the King's and Queen's of Darthur. So her mother, the queen, gave her the task of protecting the village from any due attackers. She was special too. This princess had a power that only few possessed in her world. Using this power she would protect her village even at the cost of her life.

One day a mighty raid began on the village. She made her way to the village gates to confront the army led by the King of Urinum. Only she stood between the gates and the army. Overlooking the massive group of soldiers she knew that alone she could not hope to defeat them, at least not without a cost. Gathering up all the power she could possibly muster she held her arms out into the air.

A flash of light flooded from her coating the village and the castle. The soldiers only stood and watched as the lights covered the city like a blanket. The Queen watched from the castle tower aware of what was about to happen, wishing only that she could have prevented the tragedy. Once the light had covered every inch of their land it rested for a moment. Then in the blink of an eye it vanished.

To this day no one is sure of where that kingdom disappeared to or what happened to the people who lived in it. Valhala was lost. The strange disappearance of the city forced the conflict in their world to cease and a treaty was prepared in memory of it. By saving her people she had saved her world but the lost city of Valhala has never been seen again. The End.

I closed the children book and looked up at the crowd.

"What happened to the city Ms. Lensor?" One of the children asked.

"Well, Brittany no one is really sure. Though the city was saved and the people along with it. That is a fact." I smiled at them to set their minds at ease. "I will see you all again same time next week for another book. Be good!"

"We will Ms. Lensor." All the children said at once. I got up from my seat and walked over to Riley who was waiting for me to finish.

"You are such a good story teller. Who knew?" His kind voice took away any doubt from his words.

"I'm going to focus on the compliment in that rather then the insult." I smiled and leaned up to kiss him.

"And that is why I love you." Riley took my hand and led me through the library to the front door. "What other plans does the princess have today?" He asked sarcastically bowing to me.

"Well first I have to study some war maps then I have a rendezvous with a handsome young prince in the courtyard." I teased.

"Ow. You are better at this game then me." Riley said looking wounded.

"Oh when will you realize, I'm better at everything then you." Flipping my long blonde hair in his face I walked out of the library. As I walked to the road a car pulled up to greet me.

"Hey, how did everything go?"

"You know kids, any story will interest them." I said leaning into the car window.

"You are such a saint." Lydia smiled and opened the car door.

"Thanks for picking me up by the way." I sat down in the red "MOMmobile" as we called it and buckled my seat belt.

"People who crash their cars into ditches shouldn't be allowed to drive anyway." Lydia said as she pulled onto the main road.

"Come on now, do you have to bring that up every time I get into "your" car." I said, Lydia taking her eyes off the road for a moment to glare at me, like a best friend would. "Don't look at me like that. You insult me on my driving and I'll insult you on the fact you have to drive your mom's car. An eye for an eye."

The drive back to my house was filled with the usual laughter you would hear if you ever saw Lydia and I alone, which wasn't often. Lydia just wasn't the same person when anyone else was around.

The school bell rang and I got up from her desk and walked over to Lydia who was pilling her books into her backpack.

"Mind if I help you out a little bit." I asked.

"Sure, thanks." Lydia responded but soon regretted as I grabbed her ponytail. "Not this again." She said as her hair bow was pulled out of her long dirty blonde hair.

"You look so much better without it. If you wore it like this for once. I said while fluffing Lydia's hair. You might get that man you want so much."

"I prefer it the way it is." Lydia look a hair bow out of backpack and tied her hair up once again.

"Never say I didn't try to help you." I said walking out into the hallway, Lydia following behind. "I have to go the bathroom. I'll see you in a minute."

"You don't want me to come?" Lydia asked desperately.

"I think I can handle it." I said smirking at her and making my way toward the restroom. It was empty which I was revealed to find. Despite my popular status I never liked a crowded bathroom. I set my purse on the sink and dug through it for my makeup. Once I found it I opened it and looked up into the mirror.

I stared at myself for a second then the power flickered. In that second the image of an old and withered lady replaced my beautiful reflection in the mirror. I screamed and dropped my makeup to the bathroom floor. Grabbing whatever makeup I could gather and throw into my bag, I made my way to the door. The lights flickered again and the same women appeared before me.

"Verum Mos Paro Vos Solvo" The old voice was scratchy and sounded weak. I stood unable to move. Her wrinkled hands making their way towards my face. For a moment her hand touched my face and then another flicker of the lights and she was gone. All I could do was fall to the bathroom floor and cry.

"Annabeth?" Riley's voice pierced the fear inside me as he ran into the bathroom. "Are you okay?" He said running over to me and joining me on the ground. I still couldn't speak and instead just look into his clear blue eyes and cried. He grabbed hold of me and we sat on the bathroom floor together until I had calmed down.

"What happened? Are you all right?" He pulled away from me wiping the masqera running down my face.

"I saw...something. It was. It looked like. Me." I said my voice shaking.

"It's a mirror. That's what you are supposed to see." He chuckled. "You probably just got scared cause the lights. A storm rolled in so the lights have been flickering a little. I know you are afraid of the dark."

"You're right. It must have just been my imagination." I stood up from the ground using Riley as a prop. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Don't tell anyone about this, okay?" I said demanding a promise.

"About what?" He smiled causing me to smile. I fell into his arms once again and felt safe from whatever it was that had just happened. I hoped he was right and that It was my imagination playing tricks because of the lights and my fear of the dark. I was wrong of course.


Coming Soon...
Chapter 2: Animositas


*NOTES* There might be too much dialog and not enough explanation in this chapter. When coming back to this I would like to improve on the descriptions of my characters and their surroundings...mainly the school bathroom and Riley. For now, I believe it's enough seeing as it's a rough rough draft, if you want to even call it that...


Check out the other chapters!

Chapter 1 - Irritum

Chapter 2 - Animositas

Chapter 3 - Superbia

Chapter 4 - Avaritia[Currently not posted to YWS, continue to the next Chapter won't cause too much confusion]

Chapter 5 - May Traverse

Chapter 6 - Sorocos

Chapter 7 - Suspension

Even though description wasn't used in this rough-rough draft, I liked it a lot. I want to see what world they're in. It seems like a magical world caught in reality. The part when she read the book was a cool beginning, but I didn't get why she started crying. I would think she ran out screaming and bumped into Riley or something. Otherwise I liked it and I want to see the final

I thought it was good even though it needed more discription. I mostly think that you should describe your characters more. Tell us more about them like what they look like, what are their personalitys like, and what are their lives like. You should also work on the discription of the settings more but personally I think for a rough draft it's really good and if you work on it a bit more it could be amazing.

Hey there,
Just a few grammar mistakes:

Once upon a time their was a princess.

there

I closed the children book and looked up at the crowd.

children's

The dialogue seems a bit unrealistic to me. It's like, kind of fake and cliche at some parts, I don't know really how to explain it, sorry. It seems like everything is going too boring, too perfect. Spice it up, make it more realistic, maybe describe the characters a little more, show them doing something, like Annabeth tugging at her hair or something, just add little things like that to make it more realistic.

And there was a part where I got confused. You said they were driving back to Annabeth's house but then in the next paragraph, you say the school bell rang, so I'm confused as to where they were going and where they are.

It was empty which I was revealed to find. Despite my popular status I never liked a crowded bathroom.

revealed should be relieved. 'Despite my popular status' seems a bit, I don't know, it sounds like you're trying to tell the reader she was popular. Show it instead, like have her think 'Thank God there was no one in the bathroom', or something like that.

He pulled away from me wiping the masqera running down my face.

mascara

"It's a mirror. That's what you are supposed to see." He chuckled. "You probably just got scared cause the lights. A storm rolled in so the lights have been flickering a little. I know you are afraid of the dark."

'you are' doesn't sound realistic. Most people just say 'you're' nowadays.

For a rough rough draft, it's pretty good! Me likes. Keep writing

Hey there,
You're story seems original and with an explicit plot. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it. I must point out to you though, you need to re-read your work twice and thrice. The mistakes I found were simply stupid. I think if you had read it again you would have corrected them. Please do not hate me for this, I'm only here to help. On the bright side, I will always be there, reviewing your work, whether you liked it or not

By the goddess which she was named, her

Here I would personally prefer using 'You see' at the end of the sentence. It will relieve the pressure caused by the long sentence and it will give the reader a chance to stop. Thus,

You see There was a war raging between the King's and Queen's of Darthur, you see

She was special too; This princess

Using this power, she would protect

One day, a mighty raid began

Overlooking the massive group of soldiers, she knew that, alone, she

that rather thenthan the insult.

Ow, you are better

blonde hair in his face, I walked

saw Lydia and I me alone

Mind if I help you out a little bit?

Just a question here, who takes a backpack to the office?

Lydia look took a hair bow out of her backpack

which I was revealed relieved to find

Once I had found it, I opened it and looked

I think here you mean woman.

same women woman appeared before

it was my imagination

Oh and ps. The above reviewer pointed out the mistakes which I skipped.

Other than some grammar and spelling mistakes (which others have lovingly pointed out, so I won't do it again) I thought it was great. Maybe it's because I'm a film major and I can read it more like a script, which is why lack of descrptions and lots of dialouge didn't phase me, but I thought it was good. Some of the transitions were a little off, I had to reread to place where the new location was, but I think that the chapter itself is a good first chapter. It's compeling and leaves the reading wanting to read the next chapter to figure out what the heck just happened.

DOE. Look! I'm here! Aaaaand probably going to say things you already know. But. Hi!

So once again, I loff your story. :3 You always come up with good fantasy story ideas and things. It gets me all excited!

You're right in that there's not much description. I can put in a vague picture of the school they were in, buuut I did get confused as to if they were at a public library, what the heck they were doing there, why they went back to school, what grade they're in, etc. You don't necessarily need to force an entire paragraph dedicated to describing the library -- this is usually what loses the readers' interest. However, mingling those little details with the dialogue and character interaction would most certainly work in your favor, especially for a dialogue-heavy style.

Speaking of character interaction, I think you need a lot more of that, which you seemed to imply in your notes. The characters are cardboard cut-outs and not very interesting like they should be. Riley sounds like a Ken doll actually! He's just there for to play boyfriend. He didn't even give Barbie/MC a ride back to school. And then he conveniently at the school to run into the girls' bathroom and pour all the concern!love over the MC -- which I doubt would happen realistically. Lydia or other girls will undoubtedly be in that bathroom. I dunno if you've ever been in a public school's girls' bathroom (or even the boys'!) but during school hours when kids aren't in classes, there is always someone in there. And if there isn't, someone will come in after you. It's sort of a given that the public bathroom is not private because of it.

Anyhow, um. Yes, the MC was very Mary-Sue-ish, in my opinion. I'd probably work on what her flaws are. The scared-of-the-dark thing was a nice touch! I'd like to see more background as to why she's flawed the way she is though, and what kind of person is the MC exactly? She's a popular bookworm who loves reading to kids and has a best friend who seems to be social-outcast-ish, considering she's not very open about herself when she's with other people. Such a person would have some complications regarding student relationships, so I'd look into that more.

So when you continue writing/ edit, let the characters drive your story. They know how to handle the plot better than you do. If you know who your characters actually are, then you turn into their historian. It all falls into place when your characters are put their roles and let loose in their world.

That's all I've got though, minus the silly grammar mistakes. I'll continue to move forth when convenient for me. I'm glad you reminded me of this! I can't believe I forgot. D: But I'm totes excited, and the plot has most certainly intrigued me right now.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!