Inter

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Inter

15th of February 6.48pm
My beach walks have become a ritual since my wife died. They are something of a tonic, steps that had once come so easy were now stiff and lumbering but nonetheless I finish them feeling rejuvenated and at peace. Peace is a fragile thing; it soon dissipates as the musty silence of my little home begins to prod with its grubby fingers. However, at my age these moments of solace can be worth their weight in gold and my freedom, well that is priceless.
When alone on the shore, it’s a time for the celebrations of a life well spent, the tallying of achievements and amicable truces with missed opportunities. But as though to be maliciously contrary, time alone in the house can hold you prisoner and force the recollection of the small joys you would never feel again and the deep itching that you should have cherished them more. That is why for me the succour of the sea lapping against the shore is the way I would choose to while away the hours as I wait for God.

28th of February 4.02am
Loneliness. Of course you’re never completely alone, whether it be the spider scaling the wall behind you unnoticed or the bird perched on a bough outside your window peering in. These things bring no comfort as the clock strikes four in a darkened house, when sleep will not come and a lifetime of memories dance before you, fading more with each day that passes and just leaving empty space for the more philosophical questions to turn over in your mind then cower from when you come up empty handed. I had my companion and she had come and gone, children grow up and become parents themselves leaving you obsolete, the pitying phone calls begin, the frequency of which diminish over time, every one of them dripping with the boredom of questions that have been asked too many times and answers which never vary. Sometimes in these long silent nights I regret my choice to have children, the life that should have been mine sacrificed and can never be reclaimed, I had not known then what I know now, but then, I always theorise, it probably wouldn’t have made much difference anyway.

1st of March 12.24pm
I just happened to note, because of this entry in fact that another month has passed. I hardly notice them anymore; so many calendars have been committed to history, so many days checked off. The eagerly anticipated events come and go the others in between seemed a drawl, how I wish I could take them back...

10th of March 9.50am
I want so badly to go for a walk today but the effort of getting out of bed alone has deterred me. I can see the house has begun to fall into disrepair. I cannot bring myself to ask for help. I fear drawing attention to myself and what it could mean for me. The image of me being dragged from the house moaning and flailing chills me to the bone on the other. In some ways it would be nice, regular meal times, regular bed times, company, structure and support but my pride always wins by a landslide. I could not become institutionalised like that. I will hold on as long as I can, but it’s not only the house that’s suffering. My diet is lacking and eating habits are certainly not regular enough. I can feel age taking me a little more each day no matter how hard I try to resist it. Maybe I’ll try for a walk a little bit later; it will do me the world of good I’m sure.

11th of March 12.00pm
Today I ran, or rather shuffled, the gauntlet to the shops which I detest. People will stare, they always do. I can feel the eyes on me, the pity, the contempt, but it is I who pity them. They think themselves invincible, the exuberance of their youth will be everlasting. They will succeed me one day, their memory of me in some dusty file in a long forgotten corridor of their mind. And for me, I will know the bliss of oblivion. But for now at least, I remain incumbent.

28th of March 8.45am
The cold has finally begun to lift, my walks are always so much more pleasurable in the moderate temperatures of spring, the light rains cool and refreshing and the warm caress of the sun breaking through the silver clouds. I fancy I shall take a walk today, spring was always my favourite season.

28th of March 10.35am
I have taken my diary with me today, the views here are spectacular, the perfect muse for writing. I am in high spirits for who could ask for anything more? The azure sky is laid out above me, the warmth is unseasonable but not overwhelming and the sea is glittering as far as the eye can see. This is a moment to revel in and to be truly enjoyed alone, not tainted by the irreverent scorn of the usual bathers on the beach. It is an inspiration and such natural beauty makes me feel that the sky is the limit. It is a shame, I feel, that I took up writing at such an age and that my repertoire is such a paltry, malnourished little thing that it consists of only is handful of diary entries, barely a few pages. I could have written about so much more, not just my thoughts but all the ideas wasted, the creativity crushed before it ever got a chance to thrive. Old hands and old minds cannot be coerced into the computer age and do not maintain the deftness for writing endless passages. Fingers ache and joints stiffen, the potential of the hands connecting with the mind once again snuffed out before it can flourish.

2nd of April 7.08am
What do the elderly dream of? In a lot of ways that is a question I cannot even answer for myself. Even when I was young I remember them as an elusive creature, slipping behind the pillow upon waking and disappearing under the bed, gone before I even have a chance to remember. I had heard once that dreams are the mind going at full steam, the workers busy in your head sifting through the endless heaps of information that we take in on a daily basis. So if dreams are the remnant of a night of hard work does the dream then join the mound to be processed again? I find, for me, that it is best to try and not consider these things; they are a much too complex phenomena. I wish I could catch them again, just one, for I cannot remember the last tangible dream I had. Maybe the mountain in my head is spent and the workers have finally gotten a chance to sleep, and maybe dream.

4th of April 10.37pm
It is getting late and I have the intense urge for a cigarette. I have not smoked in a long time having given up when I was 49, urged by my wife, worried for my health, regaling me with horror stories of lungs black with tar and dangerous cells dividing and multiplying unnoticed till it rears its head, shattering the calm of your body. It turned out her fear was realised, but she was the one devoured by it, not me. After her passing the hankering returned, but I refrain. There seems a queer guilt over the prospect of lighting up again, sacrilege against my late wife’s good name. Still it is there, perhaps as a coping mechanism, fascinating that even after all those years it should remain. The body must be a graveyard of habits long forgotten; waiting to smash a decaying hand through the soil to flip the switch that was once so lovingly cared for by nimble fingers covered in smooth pink flesh. How many other zombies lay in the depths, six feet under, slowly digging their way to the surface? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. I always keep an emergency pack of cigarettes, they grow old and stale, untouched, maybe I should give in and allow myself to be bitten.

5th of April 1.29pm
Today I received one of my perfunctory quarterly calls from my daughter. I could not hide my resentment at the way she slung casual excuses for not visiting and false promises of a next visit that I knew would never come. I sniped at her and threw caution to the wind, casting aspersions of my disappointment at her becoming a “baby machine” with that dim-witted, lout of a boyfriend and then a sprinkling of slanderous remarks about her loosing the baby weight from her latest spawn, a petty victory. Her blubbering at the other end of the line did little to sate me, it merely spurred me on. Who did she think she was? Those smug tones of how wonderful and fulfilling her life was while mine was in its twilight. I had given my life so she could have hers and she did nothing but squander it. The education, the career, the travelling all but dust in the wind. We had done the best job we could. We encouraged her and opened as many doors as possible but she stubbornly slammed them all shut and allowed her life to slip down the gutter and languish in the noxiousness of the gutter. It’s a hard realisation when you admit to yourself that your children have grown up to be nothing like you. You try to stamp it down as the years go by but it grows amorphous and ugly, too big to fit underfoot. I know in some primal way I love her, but in the lonely years as you grow old with only the voices in your head for company, lying to yourself isn’t an easy feat. I shall stop my diatribe now, I know I’ve become a bitter old man, it’s the “self-fulfilling prophecy” as my daughter would say, clearly not understanding its meaning, I don’t know where she picked that up from, maybe something did get in after all.

6th of April 5.59am
It’s early, it will be dawn soon and still I cannot sleep. I’ve been thinking a lot recently, my mind will not shut off. I think I shall reorder my books. They are currently in favourite order, maybe I should alphabetise them? My collection has become my pride and joy. I sometimes gaze upon the rows of books, the spines cracked, some yellow and fragrant, others a clean and smooth white. It fills me with a sense of accomplishment. No, I think I shall order them by colour this time.

6th of April 11.40pm
I am awash in the sickly yellow glow of the streetlights on my usual perch, watching the sea. I don’t usually come out this late but I had to get out of the house. The sea looks so dangerous at night. In the day it’s a silent predator looking glitzy and inviting but at night when people are wrapped in covers waiting for sleep, it shows its true face. As the wind blasts across it, rustling these pages, it almost calls to me, demands me to go to it. I can see myself walking to it, somnambulistic, feeling the crush pushing me away then tugging me closer, a deadly embrace pulling me into the depths, the water becoming a shroud, the darkness closing around me, but I know I could never go to it for I am a coward.

7th of April 11.57pm
I am back here once again. The night is chilly and quiet, the wind nipping at my exposed flesh; I do not mind it much. I feel homage is due and it’s due to this diary. I had read somewhere once that only unhappy people keep diaries... But without them where would we be? A dairy can be a best friend, a sympathetic ear and, at the risk of sounding trite, a saviour. Your hand talks and it listens quietly, understanding. When the loneliness creeps into your heart you just have to write and it can life the lowest of spirits, at least momentarily.
My flow I’m afraid has been broken, a group of lads, the surly looking kind, are breaking the tranquillity and I have a good mind to give those drunkards a piece of my mind, but I won’t. They seem to be heckling me and they are heading this way. All I want is to be left alone.
Last edited by EscapeThat on Wed Aug 17, 2011 6:52 am, edited 3 times in total.




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First of all, I really like your title. "Inter" as you probably know, is the Latin word for "between", which is very appropriate. I loved your story. It takes a lot of skill to be able to visualize from an old man's point of view, and you did a very good job creating a real and believable character. I like you use of vocabulary, which made the descriptions and the very tone of the story richer. The story sort of trails off at the end, but it still leaves an eerie sense of finality.

Now, because I love this story so much, I must point out a few little spelling errors.
EscapeThat wrote:Inter

The image of me being dragged from the house moaning and flailing, whist comical on one hand, chills me to the bone on the other. "Whist" ought to be spelt "whilst"


It is a shame, I feel, that I took up writing at such and age and that my repertoire is such a poultry, malnourished little thing that it consists of only is handful of diary entries, barely a few pages.
I chuckled a little at this one. I think you mean "paltry". I don't think you character is describing his repertoire as a chicken, turkey, or other edible bird.
I could not hide my resentment at the way she slang casual excuses for not visiting and false promises of a next visit that I knew would never come.
You could be right about this one, but I believe the past tense of "sling" is "slung".

All around an excellent job! Keep up the good work.
"I don't cause commotions, I am one." Elphaba (Wicked the musical)




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Amazing job with this piece! About halfway through i forgot it was a fiction piece. Amazing use of vocabulary and character development as well! I'd give constructive critisizm but i couldn't find anything i'd change.
Insanity is the spark creativity.




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Haha thank you SophiaBurnette, a couple of "turkeys" always slip through during proof reading.

Thank you for the feedback guys, it's encouraging to know I'm on the right track.
Last edited by EscapeThat on Mon Jul 25, 2011 10:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello once again...:)
I would give you a thorough review, but I'll be logging off soon.
I really like, first of all the approach you took when writing this story; very creative. In general, I feel your vocabulary is wide but precise and liked how you played around with your words.
I think if I had to have a problem with something, it's your long...long sentences. There was one in particular that had me gasping for air:
They are something of a tonic, steps that had once come so easy were now stiff and lumbering but nonetheless I finish them feeling rejuvenated and at peace.
I don't know. Along the way it reads kind of funny. But hey, that's just me.

Anyway, one more thing I'd applaud, is that I noticed how the mood of this piece sort of matched the age of the character. I feel you captured that very well. Now I believe it when you say, you put yourself in your character's shoes and play along with it. Good job, great story, great concept.

Keep writing and good luck! :)

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I'll be honest, I actually had to check your age about half way through this. You got so much into the mind of the chatacer that I actually thought it was the true inner workings of you. I like it, and now I am compelled to call my great-grandfather and check in on him. He goes for walks like that too, he still does and his wife passed almost 20 years ago. It was very emotional in that aspect, I congrat you on an excellent piece.
Everything can lead to an adventure, I just try to write those adventures down




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It's humbling to know that my story inspired you to call your relative.

Thank you for the great feedback.




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Hi there,

I wanted to be comprehensive and really weed out the little distractions that blight this piece but it's bed time in Vancouver, and I stumbled upon this by chance.

such and age


Here is one I found. Here is another

snuffed out


You repeat this term in a matter of only a few lines - so with that considered, one must assume it is either an important statement that will be played upon through out the piece, or it is an annoying error. It's a reasonably cliche expression, so use it sparingly if at all.

For the most part this is relatively seamless. The problem I found was when an error came by it was so jarring, so glaring that it broke all the momentum you carefully build up. I'm sorry I haven't the time to go through it all with you. I assume some of the other reviewers will weed out these little issues.

One other tiny thing I noticed was the character. He is well rounded and at times intriguing. You have framed him well in this diary and you paint this beautiful picture of a senile old man whilst providing enough insight for me to care about him. But, occasionally he seems to say something or do something that counters my perception of him.

whilst comical on one hand, chills me to the bone on the other


It's hard to swallow. An old man referring to himself as comical, this serious old man referring to himself as comical. It's distracting.You are telling the story through his eyes, framed in this little diary, so pull us in but don't let go.

Perhaps I don't know this character as well as you but, for me it's a bizarre observation for the narrator to make. This sort of thing sticks with the reader, and you will struggle to regain the trust of the reader. Because for the most part this piece is insightful and professional, but these little amateur mistakes pull the entire piece down, and for the rest of the story I found my self scrutinizing it, casting about the prose for more errors, rather than simply enjoying it.

So let me say this is a great piece. I got a feel for what you were conveying and you seemed to have struck a chord of recognition with some of the other reviewers so well done!

Best,
JP
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It astounds me after all the people that I have shown this to and all the times that I have read this myself that those little buggers still get through the next. I guess I get into the story and just don't see them.

Thank you, great to have a shrewd eye looking over this to find the little flaws. I agree with you in terms of that line also, its one I toyed with for a while and had actually removed it from the story on a subsiquent viewing but didn't think to remove it here.




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were now stiff -- should be ARE now stiff, as this is a present tense point.

just happened to note, because of this entry in fact that another month has (add a comma after FACT)

One of my perfunctory quarterly calls -- the word perfunctory doesn't add anything. it extends what is a simple idea with overdescriptive language

somnombaulistic, it's a fine word but it doesn't serve to do anything other than stumble the flow of the moment.

Remembered them as an elusive creature -- as ELUSIVE CREATURES, you're refering to the elderly as plural here, not a singular age group.

my diary with me today, --- add period or ; after TODAY. You're seperating two seperate ideas here, not stringing them together.
always keep an emergency pack of ciggarettes, -- same issue.

I notice this alot, you have the issue of using commas to bridge different or related lines that would do better as seperate.

I must say its a very solid piece. Quite good. Its very odd, even for an older writer's piece, to encounter a voice so mature and eloquent in its patterns of speech. It's very proffesional, but it doesn't read as though you were trying to seem older. You use words that are sophisticated, but they're carefully positioned in a way that feels right. (I don't feel like you went through this with a theasaurus like many more mature voiced pieces)

That said in a personal note, some of the more lyrical lines (ie, the unseen spider crawling) seem a bit overly poetical for this. I don't picture this man to be the type to give credence to words unneeded, or to dance around how he feels, especially not after the first section of the piece. He states his loneliness, his lost love, and for him to suddenly compare his feelings with a metaphorical insect comes off phoney to me.

You maintain a brilliant mood throughout and write with an intensity and depth that really speaks to the reader. This is one of the more professional works I've read here. Well done.




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Hi Mikeypro,

Thank you so much for the review. As I stated earlier here, sometimes I need a more professional eye to look over my work and spot those gramaitcal niggles etc. It educates me on what I need to be careful of in the future, such as my overuse of commas and not untilising more appropriate alternatives. i will certainly look at those more lyrical line, the last thing i woul;d want for this piece in aprticular is to break the tone.

These tips will certainly help me in my future wiritng endeavours, you've review has given me plenty to take away.



Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill