Retribution

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Smiles and laughter spread
Across the field like a plague,
Clouds overhead darken,
Engulfing the sun.
Winds gusting, snatching words
Out of the mouths of children,
Who silently plea for mercy
From an unknown image.

Their guardians,
Who taught of faith,
Flee at the first sight of displeasure.
Concern turns towards themselves,
While the helpless,
The children,
The old,
The sick,
Lay abandoned,
With only the hope of help.

Smiles fade, laughter turns to cries.
Shrill shrieks from the buried ,
Drowned out by thunder and rain.
Hope shout down by lightning,
Forgotten souls are left to wander
A barren, destroyed land,
Whose only burden was us.

Yet we beg for mercy from deities,
Whom we assume merciful,
And we question how they can be so merciless,
When all our punishments are just.
Last edited by arspoetica on Fri Sep 30, 2011 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
Insanity is the spark creativity.




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Winds gusting, snatching words


Winds Gusting, snatching words
out of the mouths of the children
who silently plea for mercy
from an unknown image
created by their gaurdians
who fled at the first sight of displeasure.
This is a really long sentence that doesn't flow very well... Can you shorten it at all?

Posters of missing children appear
This sentence feels kind of cliche and drab, see if you can re-word it.

whose only burden was us
See if you can re-word this to make it a little more clear and smooth.

Good job with this.

The only errors I found I pointed out above and I could really feel the emotion. You actually had pretty good imagery too, a little bit more would've been better but what you had sufficed.

Good job :wink:

Keep writing,
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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i can't help you with punctuation or grammar, but i did like your piece, its one that was easy to understand and it did flow.
Hope shot down by lightning,

probably my favorite line.
I like your use of words too, keep it up.



Not many will ever really understand you / That doesn't mean you aren't worth understanding
— Quillfeather