Caffè

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Points 577
Reviews 198
Spoiler
Adaptation subject: Dante's Inferno. (This seems to have the whole text: http://dante.ilt.columbia.edu/comedy/)


Caffè

Dolorous tendrils of grey claw for pity
against the evening's cool sarcophagus
urging me on.

It helps to teeter on the weighted seat's edge,
drinking the brew to keep my words steady
going down.
I blow waves into the murky lake,
and my girding face thrashes, folding in
on itself.
The ripples calm, the souls refill
the vacuum and the heat quenches
no thirst.
The room's overlapping shadows,
armatures of all I see, lift the window
into sight.
A grainy square containing the multitudes
of poor always with us, yawning they wave
to me.
The televised shock and awe gurgles
under crunchy static and commercials
urging me on.

Distant buttons mute the masses for the time
being and silence delves me into the
sheer mirror.
Three heads spawn from splinters
in my consuming reflection of
silver betrayal.
Thrilled by my own illness I swallow
my way to the ceramic bottom and
upturn it.
Breath held firm, but nothing has
nowhere to go, clings to self, tries
to survive.
The stained filter holds muddy beans,
ground into dirt, hiding their identity,
roasted whole.
Stomach trembles and gravity
rejects a teeming, liquid miasma,
urging me on.

The white white white hard seat
of perfect plastic cradles me on
my knees.
Vile slush ejects from my naked lips
and whirls as it flushes to the hungry
empty bottom.
My bare head hangs over the depths,
and I shut my eyes to the peril of
saturated heights.
Rung by rung I dash down the old ladder
of faith shaking the foundations that might
go out.
Smoldering ash quickens my step,
slithering char chases my toes, a
searing forge.
The shrill beep that signals a fresh pot
spits me from my head into the stark air,
urging me on.

I straddle the stale cushion and sugar
the bitter drudge, no other way to
satiate myself.
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




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Gender Female
Points 1133
Reviews 14
You really made me read it. Saying that, a poem must really entice me - for me to look deeper towards meaning that perhaps the author meant to say; but then again didn't.

First I must say that as I began to read, thoughts of all sort of metaphors came flooding towards me - from the very opening line. Very well done. You had grabbed my attention, and as i write this I profoundly see the word 'grey' in front of all my other thoughts and impressions. I don't know how you had it made it stand out so, but you had, and very well done for that too.

I liked your unrelenting use of enjambement. Clear, repetitive and succesfully applied. Touché.
Many use it for the sake of using it as a device, not so often for the overall effect on the writing. It gave the piece excellent structure and constant tone.

There were moments when I had to catch myself on a thought, to catch myself from meandering from the topic at hand. Is there something terribly wrong with the mental stability of our subject? - We are merely at a cafe. With subtle reminders of the existing room, you draw the reader (me at the very least) back from unrelated metaphoric thinking. The description is mellow, yet increasingly vulgar towards the end.

I simply do not know what to say when it comes to the lows of your work. I realize i must be doing a pretty crap job of reviewing, but there really is nothing i can say.

Respectfully yours,
E




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 577
Reviews 198
The title is Italian (like the epic poem) for espresso. Just to clear that up.
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." — Einstein




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1133
Reviews 14
inkwell wrote:The title is Italian (like the epic poem) for espresso. Just to clear that up.


So i wasn't mislead after all! You were talking about a liquid, a brew! :P
Meanwhile i had gone ahead and taken an uneducated guess you were describing a cafe of some sort. Cafe as in the one you sit in. Wait, that wouldn't be too comfortable. A lot like a sauna.

Nevertheless, i still would like to think my (mal) criticism applies towards your work. It set a mood, it had me reading and it had me go "Wow."

I'll remember to brush up on my Italian.
Otherwise i make a complete boob of myself, in the process of pretending like i know exactly what i'm talking about.

Hehe..
Yours,
Espeon.



Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury