Jealousy

I come home from double shifts,
Stopping along the way; buying gifts,
You meet me at the doorway, said
You missed me; then you tried to bust me,
But then again, I don’t think you see,
We fight over irrelevant issues,
We end up using too many tissues,
‘Cos you don’t trust me, and act like
Something you ain’t- you psyche
Me up, my blood boils, but you,
Your jealousy presents a cure, too,
But what am I supposed to do?


When all this love is handed back?
I used to love your company,
I used to think you were funny,
But know you just infuriate
Me, and then you tell your mate,
You plan on dumping me? Why?
But I swear, you ain’t gonna make me cry,
But then I see you’re not as innocent,
As I first thought, what you meant,
Was: What you thought I did,
It was in fact you, yeah,
Thought I didn’t know?
That you'd been sleeping with a foe?

Wondered where your phone went that night,
Wondered why we’d had that fight?
Wondered why I asked you who was Mike?
‘Cos I watched you whilst you called,
Sitting there, so very appalled,
Leavin’ me for a guy with a bigger wallet,
But then you try to apologise,
As soon as I hit a gold mine?
Yeah, well, jealousy’s in the house now.

Spoiler

Song: Jealousy Woes by Eminem

Well that's nice. I like the flow you have with this poem. I have a question: what is this poem actually about? To me personally, while it shows off your abilities really well, I don't really find a meaning in the words. It isn't because it has no title. The title doesn't matter- what does however are the words. To me whatever message you are trying to come across with is not there. I have read it so many times yet I feel it is still missing something. Perhaps you could improve the structure as well- it could be neglected at first glance because it is one giant paragraph, which may put readers off. Don't take this critique the wrong way please. I am only trying to help you. Please don't rip off my head and feed it to sharks!

567ajt,

Now why would I do that...? Well, I'll have to feed someone else to them, then. Nom nom nom.

It was about how he loved her, yet she thought he cheated on her, but it was actually her who was cheating. It was based on the song Jealously Woes by Eminem. Basically it told that ^^ story.

Thanks again.

Nom nom nom.

Hi!

I quite like this poem. It's also interesting how you made the narrator a guy. Since typically, when I read these type of stories, the misfortunate one seemed to be a girl. But now you've changed the situation around, which makes it quite interesting. Although, that said, there was some places where it sounded like the one dumping the narrator was a guy. Like this line here:

Me, and then you tell your mate

The word 'mate' kinda made me think of guys and their friends instead of girl (forgive me for being so sexist, but that's my humble opinion). I can see that you're trying to rhyme, but that part sounds kind of odd to me. I would suggest changing it to friends, since there is some part of your poem that doesn't rhyme. But, that's just my opinion. Don't have to follow them ^^.

Well, I guess that's my only critique. The language you used was very good, it had that kind of edge that tells us what kind of guy the narrator is, which is really good. The poem also rhymed for the most part, although I think that you kind of sacrificed starting each line with a new topic, but that's not too much of a problem, I don't think. Overall, very good jobe.

As for the title, why don't title the poem something along the lines of Jealousy? Or just Jealousy? It seems to me that you can never go wrong naming a poem of an emotion, since that is what it's about.

Okay, so... that's about it. Keep writing!

Heya. Very late review for Capture That Emotions contest.

Your structure is the first thing that needs work, here. You do not require a comma at the end of most lines, nor do you need to capitalize the first word of every line. If you read this without the line breaks, you'll notice the flow is way off— it stops and jerks and doesn't really let readers be captivated by it. Get rid of the commas and capitals and see what's left.

Your rhyming was also just a bit painful at places— rhyming only works if it feels natural, and most of these rhymes feel like you were trying too hard. Rhyming poetry is actually one of the hardest types of poetry to write, because you really need to make it sound natural. Try not making this poem rhyme and see where it takes you.

As for the emotion itself, you seem to have captured hate more than jealousy. All you talk about is the dislike of the person, instead of insecurity, anxiety, and worthlessness. Jealousy is more about feeling like somebody else has something you don't and disliking them for it; it's not about hating a person for turning to somebody else. Had your focus been on how the internal feelings were causing external problems and emotions that looked like hate, it would've been fine. But this focused so heavily on the "hate" side, I found you really missed the mark.

Overall, I'd have looked a lot more into the internal emotional battle instead of the external results. By knowing the internal conflict the external conflict becomes a lot clearer, and a lot more believable. Also, had you taken something other than a cheating situation, it would've been a bit more original. One of the main judging guidelines was originality, and we had multiple stories about cheating. Try reaching a little deeper into a situation to come up with a truly original idea.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey