EDIT:Phantom of the Opera Poem

Okay, here it is guys, my first YWS official work! Would really love review since I'm showing it in a fair next week!!!

As the violinist pulls his bow across my heart,
the angel of music masquerades inside my mind
and my fears waltz with the phantom.

I travel slowly, confused, across the floor,
twisted every way with sadness.

Taking my seat, I dream,
wishing you were somehow here again,
but you think of me no more.

I have passed the point of no return.
I have been enveloped by madness.

This is pretty good i write poems too and none of mine quite like this, for example, my poems always have a hidden meaning, but this is a flow of emotion. Good Job!

Hey there, Blue & Kate!
This won’t be incredibly long since the poem itself is fairly short. In fact, that’s one of the things that I want to point out—it would be a keen idea to enlarge this, given that it incorporates the song titles—song titles that span a full spectrum of emotions and plots throughout the musical. When writing this, you should consider the power behind those songs. While it’s nice to see them (it brings up nostalgia, definitely), it really wraps itself up too quickly to leave an impact, and that should be the goal of poetry, in my opinion.

I’d also like to see more imagery. You have a swift narrative here on a ballroom floor/stage, but it doesn’t do much.

An easy trick to make your poetry more appealing to your audience is to replace your ordinary words—“dance” “walk” “think” “take”—and replace them with vivid verbs. Compare those boring places to your other elaborate areas—“enveloped by madness” “twisted every way with sadness”—and it’s obvious, the difference.

Finally, I have a hard time connecting to this poem because it’s riding the fence between a lyrical poem about lost love and a narrative about PotO. I think you may need to diverge a bit more from the Phantom shtick and make it into something better.

All around, good job. I hope the folks at the fair love it!

-Lumi

earlier your sister posted this and i'm so very glad to see that you made an account here. anyways, this is exactly what i said earlier when she posted it : "Well...Your sister did a very good job on the poem. I love the "I have been enveloped by madness" part. As for making her an account, make it. I would love to see more poems from her. Her poem was twisted in a way that made it amazing. Good work." I hope to see you around and read any other writing of yours.

Thanks everyone it's mine! Find and follow?? And read ,my Harry Potter poem!!!!

Now this is simply amazing! I can't tell you how much I loved it! The vocabulary was fantastic, the structure was amazing, and I fell madly in love with the ending. I certainly look forward to reading more poetry like this. Oh, and congratulations on your very first piece here at YWS!

Wow thanks guys! I have a feeling you two are going to be my most "avid" readers. Well thanks! And Jasper- I'll have to kill you, you know my real name. O.o

Yes...I do know your name x)

This is so beautiful! I especially like the metaphor at the beginning and the repetition at the end. I agree with the above comments though, I think you should expand on this, it has a lot of potential! Keep up the good work!

well, this is a pretty good poem, I love how you started out, with the metaphor of

As the violinist pulls his bow across my heart,

It shows a lot of emotion in this poem. You can certainly put it in any contest you like!

Hi-ya!!! First off- I'm a huge phantom of the opera fan!! Absolutely love it!
Anyway! You've has got amazing writing talent! I would definitely enter it in the fair! Truly amazing work! It read very smoothly and never felt forced at all. I can't pick just one part that's my favorite because I'm in love with every line! Fantastic images and I live how she included the songs in it!
Brilliant first line!
Word of advice from one writer to another: never ever stop writing. Seriously. You've got amazing talent Kate right? Truly, no joke, no sugar coat or glossy cover- you have a gift-let it shine!
Fill me in when you get the results from the fair!!
Best of luck and eternal happiness,
Butterfinger