Trouble, My Favorite (Chapter 1: Pain)

Credit to my inspiration and life, Anthony James H. who named the characters. If you are reading this, I love you.

I grit my teeth as the pain becomes worse, but then I feel better. Blood drips to the floor; the knife cuts deeper and deeper. I want to stop but I can't so I just keep tearing through my thin, pale layers of skin. Turning to work on the other side of my body, my heart leaps to the floor. There, in the doorway, stands my brother. Seeing him lean against the wall was like seeing Death linger through the hallway. It was chilling knowing I couldn't do anything to erase what he had seen from his memory. What does that feel like? To see your own sister cutting away, laying on the bathroom floor just barely alive. Her blood shot eyes and ghost white skin, clutching a knife and looking to you for help.

"Becca," he yells, "give it here!" I hand him the knife, pulling my knees to my chest. I cover my face as I begin to cry. My brother, Jacob, sets the sharp-bladed object on the counter and sits down next to me. Jacob was my hero, he literally kept me alive. He grabs a towel from the closet, but before he can begin to wipe up any of the blood, I climb into his lap and sob. "It's...alright." he says with a sigh as he attempts to wipe the tears from my eyes. Instead, I push his hand away and do it myself. He forces a weak smile and helps me to my feet; his cold hands grab my shaking and sweaty palms.

"Let me see." Jacob commands. I lift up my shirt to reveal my scarred and tattered chest. He looks to the ground, ashamed of what I have done. A tear rolls down his cheek onto his shirt.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, walking into the next room.

"Listen to me!" His stern, deep voice catches my attention. I jump and look back. Jacob meets my eyes and grabs my arm. I yank it away and continue walking.

"Never...do that again! I promised to keep you safe when mom and dad died, but I'm not sure I can anymore! You've been doing this too long!" he shouts after me. I charge back into the room to plead my case. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out; I am caught guilty. Jacob points to the many on my legs, as well as my chest, wrists, and waist. It's all so true. I can't stop. Cutting has become my drug...my last resort. I had been doing it for years out of fear perhaps. I loved the rush it gave me. It was nothing compared to weed or heroin. On those bad days of mine, I'd pull out a knife or two and lock myself in the bathroom. As I fell to the floor, I would cry. Sometimes over nothing. But it didn't matter. Whether I had a reason or not, I would cut. For hours at a time. One time I sat in the bathtub and watched the water turn pink, then red. I got a kick out of it; I loved it. And I've got hundreds of cuts, scars, and permanent flaws to prove it. My entire body covered with signs of depression and guilt; definitely not the perfect combination.

"Okay," I shout back, "I get it, Jake!"

"Do you rea--" he said. I loved Jacob. He was the only one I had anymore. Literally. Both my parents were gone and I didn't have any friends. My relatives hated me as well. He was the one I turned to for everything. He would look at me with those deep blue eyes of his and tell me everything would be okay. He was well liked. Friends and girlfriends were always at the house. I hated the girls. They were all sluts.

One day, I came home to find a half-naked blonde laying on our couch. Makeup smeared under her eyes, breathing heavily. "Jakie!" she called.

I heard him reply, "One minute, babe!"

That's when I slammed the door angrily and started walking toward my room.

"Oh, you must be...Becca, right?" she said innocently.

"It's Rebecca. Get the hell out of my house." I demanded.

Jake came downstairs and put his hands on my shoulders saying, "She's a friend. Please go."

I turned around to see him smiling that perfect smile of his. Hot and sweaty. His short brown hair all messy. "She's another...You know what!? Forget it! I'm not going to sit here and pretend I don't know what's going on. I'm leaving."

And so, I left. I walked for hours and returned home later that night where I locked myself in the bathroom and cried for hours and hours, listening to Jacob and the blonde laugh and talk all night. I wish I had someone like that. Then, I remebered I did. Jake was the person I stayed up all night with. And "she" had taken him. That was the night I started cutting. I didn't remember quite how I started, but I remember feeling good afterwards.

I cut him short because I am positive I already have the answer to the question he was going to ask. It's not the first time I've heard this question of his and I doubt it'll be the last. "Yes, I really get it!" I walk to my room, slamming the door behind me. At some point, I manage to break several glass objects I find sitting on a shelf above my bed. This includes a flower vase, a small hand mirror, and a picture frame. Sometime after my fits of rage, I lie down and cry myself to sleep. And that's the last thing I remember before all hell broke lose.

**Chapter 2: Warehouse will be posted later today (Thursday, July 21, 2011) or tomorrow. Thanks for reading. --JasperSkye

Hi, there!

Okay, so first of all, you have a decent opening. My suggestions for you as you go on, or if you want to edit it further are:
1. Make sure to check your spelling and grammar over.
2. Try to communicate the feelings of the narrator more. By this I mean that you should explain more of the emotional side of Becca. Instead of just talking about the pain and the addiction, talk more about the fear that she felt when she saw her brother. Talk about all of her reactions so that we, as the readers, would have a better understanding.
3. Give us a little bit of a back story. Learning more about her history of cutting (even if it is just a brief one sentence about when she started) would benefit you greatly. Also, a history of her brother and the cutting.

I hope I helped you at least a little with this Good luck with the rest of your story

Hey Jazz! Thought I'd leave you a review

Okay, so your imagery was great! You were very descriptive about the blood, but not the appearances. Also, you need to put more emotion into your words. Tell us how Bekka feels about her brother, about her life. Also, add some more background information. Why is she cutting? Who is she living with? I, personally, felt it was too short. On the next chapter, you should make it longer.

Other than that, I liked it! Good job.

- Ariel.

Hi, Jasper!

You definitely had me hooked if only because I was very concerned for Rebecca. D: The thought of what she's been doing herself all this time is rather horrifying. I'm still in shock that someone could resort to that and never break habit. D: (Jake must stink at helping. xD)

So with that, I must say that you did very well in getting the reader to feel sorry for the main character. Be careful that she doesn't get too annoying with how miserable she is. Make sure the reader knows exactly why she acts the way she does before getting Rebecca into long rants or disrespectful situations (such as yelling to her one and only family).

I like the extra backstory as to when Rebecca started cutting. That's very helpful, and a huge step into the right direction! Its placement is questionable since that's two paragraphs splitting up a suspenseful conversation between them. Have Rebecca cut him off right away, not narrate the backstory before cutting him off. That kind of thing.

While that is a very good thing you have, try to reveal what happened to her parents maybe or what kind of childhood she led. When her parents died can very well affect how she acts. Do people really ignore her, or does she refuse to make friends? How come she disrespects Jake half the time when she can't respect even herself? (Though this one was half answered already with how she snapped at the blonde.) Why does she cut herself for years/why hasn't the habit been broken yet? What's Jake's role in all this? Does he really raise his sister by himself? He should probably be a certain age to do that, especially if they're living at a house. He'd need a full-time job with good pay to keep a house plus everything inside. Unless he doesn't actually go to school but, in fact, graduated and is all done with school. o:

Anyhoot, there was one more thing I wanted to mention! The grammar is a bit confusing. Usually, when a new speaker is speaking, they start their own line/paragraph. So when you have Rebecca and Jake talking in one paragraph, the reader gets lost as to who says what! Not only the dialogue, but there are other grammatical mistakes that can be caught with an edit.

Besides that though, I look forward to reading the next part! While the polls are usually unneeded, it's good to see you have concern for your characters. In my opinion, they make the story, so they have to be good characters or there isn't a story at all!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

nice if not a little disturbing. It was going great till the talking part. That could do with being altered better. just a thought, feel free to ignore me I agree with Jaberhut about more detail about them. What happened to the parents etc. I don't think you need me to go through it all again.

So I liked this, however it needs a bit more editing, and I believe if you made a few changes you can change a good work into a superb one. I look forward to reading and reviewing the other chapters !

Well, the first paragraph was great but several things bother me as I was reading it:

"Turning to work on the other side of my body, my heart leaps to the floor."
-This sentence here just sounds a bit awkward to me, especially with the last part. I would probably simply change it to "my heart sinks to the floor."
-Instead of "Turning to work on the other side of my body," I would try something like, "As I turned to switch the blade to the other side,". The previous sentence had bothered me with the use of "work", which sounds too casual for the previous sentences which were more dramatic.

"Seeing him lean against the wall was like seeing Death linger through the hallway."
-Again, this is too casual. If she's cutting herself and her brother sees her doing it, I don't think he'd be so relaxed and calm watching her do that.
-Also, is the bathroom door open? If so, that'd be a little odd. You could make it so that her brother opens the door and is shocked to find her on the floor cutting, but I wouldn't leave the door open.

I don't have much more time to finish my review XD. But the only other place I really wanted to nit pick was the third paragraph, which sounded a little too disturbing. I understand that it's supposed to be seen as an unhealthy addiction and that Rebecca is really hooked on it but this goes a little too far, as it starts to sound a little sick and twisted. It doesn't need a lot of work, but I'd really encourage you to tone it down a bit.

And lastly, the story about the slutty blonde sounds a little random and distant, because it's not connected very well to the beginning of the story. If you want to keep it, you could make it so that she goes downstairs afterwards and saw the girl on the couch then. I just think it would be a little more structured .

But this is a great piece, and I like your writing style and descriptions. You're very vivid . Keep it up!