I had been in love for a grand total of three days when I got married. It wasn't what you might call love at first sight, perhaps, as when I first saw her it was a very peripheral admiration. She had numerous sisters, and if ever I saw one of them out and about I felt a tad tongue-tied. This was confusing to me because they never seemed remarkably attractive to me, but after awhile I realized that it was her.
Her name is Jane, and she's the most perfect of God's great creations. Last Tuesday I saw her at the market and decided that I had to have her. I turned to my friend, Jim, and said, "Hey dude, I'm getting married."
Jim didn't look up from his investigation of a box of macaroni as he replied, "Really, now."
"Yeah. Will you be my Best Man?"
He considered for a moment, then put the box back on the shelf and said, "Overpriced trash. Who's the girl?"
"Jane An Drasde."
Jim chewed on a toothpick he'd stolen from a box moments before. "Well," he said, finally, "she looks cute. Congratulations. I have to set everything up, right?"
"Yeah. How soon 'til you'll be ready?"
"Give me maybe..." Jim paused and counted on his fingers. I watched in anxiety as the number rose to include his other hand. Jim began muttering under his breath about car rentals and hotels, then said something about chapels.
"We can do a relatively small wedding, if you like. I mean, it's not as if..."
"Tell you what. You get the father's permission, I'll take care of the rest of it."
"OK, how long 'til you'll be ready?"
Jim thought another minute and said, "Three days. I'll call you."
"Alright. See you then, I guess."
"Yup."
I watched as Jim left the store nonchalantly and turned the corner out of sight. I went looking through the store for Jane's father. Eventually, I found him in the soft drinks aisle with one of his younger daughters. She stared at me while I tried to get his attention. He seemed to be pointedly ignoring me. After a few minutes of clearing my throat and saying, "Hello? Sir? Can I talk to you, sir?" his daughter tugged on his shirt and whispered something to him. He guffawed and turned to me, completely serious.
"Yes, young man, what do you want?"
"I wanted to ask...well, I was thinking of, um, well, the thing is I..."
"You got two seconds."
"I want to marry your daughter Jane."
"Why?"
"Well, because..."
"No."
"What?"
"NO!" he thundered, his voice shaking the liquid in every single bottle in the aisle. "Are you deaf, boy? I said no!"
"But I didn't even get time to..."
"On an unrelated note, her bedroom is in the attic. If you get to the top floor and find the bathrooms, you'll see a door in the ceiling in the hall outside. Just pull down and climb the ladder. Be careful, though, they'll probably set an ambush for you. When are you planning on doing the deed?"
"Friday night."
"She'll be up there studying, probably. If not, you'll probably die. Good luck, boy; I hope you have a good Best Man."
"Oh, he's the best."
"I hope you die, you little SOB."
"Thank you, sir."
"Your welcome. Now get out of my sight."
I said goodbye to his daughter, who smiled and waved cheerily, then I trotted off with an extra spring in my step.
The next few days passed in a blur. I thought about Jane practically every waking minute, which slightly impaired my abilities at my job. I told the foreman I'd probably be laid up for a couple weeks and he asked me why. I told him and he said, "Oh, you're trying for an An Drasde girl? Dude, you're gonna be laid up for a couple months. You should move to a different continent, man. I hope you've got a good Best Man who's thought of all this."
"Oh, he's the best." I said with more confidence than I felt.
Friday afternoon I was a bundle of nerves. I kept waiting for my phone to ring, and when it hadn't rung by the time the sun started going down, I started pacing. There was a light knock on the door and I jumped. It was Jim.
"Why didn't you call me?" I screamed.
"Did I say I'd call? Sorry, I don't have a phone. Here's some gear. You can suit up in the car. You got a ring?"
"Yeah, I've got it right here." I started to get it out.
"I don't want to see it, dude. Let's get going."
I got dressed in body armor and a tux, then asked if Jim had any weapons for me.
"Yeah, sure, we'll load up when we get there."
"I'm really hot." I said, referring to the temperature.
"Good. Girls love a positive attitude."
We went a couple blocks past the house and parked. Jim left the engine running when we got out. He opened the trunk and started handing me guns. After awhile, I told him I couldn't carry any more and he nodded. He pulled out a bunch of other guns and started arming himself. He also pulled out a pair of gloves and a sword, which he strapped to his back. I began to feel nervous again and Jim noticed me shivering. He clapped me on the back, making my knees buckle, and said, "Remember, John, keep a positive attitude."
We walked the two blocks to the house and went up the driveway. I could hear Jim muttering about how long it would take to get back to the car. He sighed and shook his head. We reached the door and I rang the doorbell. The inner door opened and a woman looked out.
"Yes?" She asked, smiling.
"I'm here for Jane, Mrs. An Drasde." I said.
Mrs. An Drasde's face changed and she slammed the door. Jim shoved me off the stoop as a shotgun shell blasted through the door, leaving a gaping, splintered hole. Pity; it looked like mahogany.
Several more shots went off and I rose off the ground slowly. Jim was crouched near the door and he motioned me to try a nearby window. I nodded, braced myself, broke the glass and jumped through the window. Jim lay down cover fire at the front door, but since I was out of sight I was on my own. I hit the floor in the room and, grabbing a couple pistols, picked myself up and surveyed my surroundings.
I had only enough time to realize I was in someone's bedroom before someone leapt at me from the darkness and threw me to the floor. I tried to move, but whoever it was had a tight grip. Someone else ran into the room and put a gun to my head.
The light clicked on and I was blinded a second.
"Don't move, douche bag." It was one of Jane's sisters. She was dressed in a nightgown and she had a warlike scowl on her face. "It's over." she said, still pointing the gun at me.
There was a shot and her body crumpled. I elbowed the person on my back and tried to stand. It was difficult, but I managed it. The person on top of me decided wisely to flee in a hail of bullets.
I nodded at Jim, who motioned down the hall to the stairs. The house was relatively quiet for a moment, then we reached the stairs and machinegun shots started from upstairs. Jim emptied a clip into the ceiling, then we heard a little pinging noise. Jim dove for the ground, picked up a grenade before it exploded and threw it back upstairs.
There was an explosion that rocked the house and we started up amidst the smoke and falling debris. Visibility was poor, so I had to feel my way along the walls.
I finally made it to a bathroom and stopped. There was a door in the ceiling, which I pulled down tentatively. Jim pointed a gun at the opening and I pulled the ladder out. There was silence for a minute, then someone yelled and ran at us from the hall.
"GO!" Jim bellowed, shoving me up the ladder, "I'll cover you!"
I climbed as quickly as possible until I reached the attic, then I collapsed on the floor, panting. I got to my feet slowly and looked around the room.
It was a quaint little bedroom; there was a bed, a nightstand, a dresser, a chest o' drawers and a rather extensive bookshelf. Jane was lying on the bed, reading a book. She was wearing reading glasses.
I stood panting for a minute. Jane looked up at me and said, "Oh, hello. Who are you?"
"I'm...I'm John." I said, haltingly.
She looked over the top of her glasses, eyebrows raised in an amused expression. "Really? John. That's interesting. Well let me finish my book first; I'm almost done."
"You wear glasses?"I asked, suddenly noting the fact.
"Hm? Oh, yes. I'm farsighted. Why, is that a problem?"
"Oh, no, you just never wear them in public, so I didn't know you wore them. They look nice."
"Thank you. They're just reading glasses, though."
I nodded and waited for what seemed like years. Finally, she closed the book and, rising from the bed, put it back on the shelf and turned to face me.
"I suppose you're hear to propose, aren't you?"
"Yep."
"Well, get on with it."
"Oh, yeah." I got down on one knee, fumbled around in my suit pocket and, after a fashion, procured the ring. "Jane An Drasde, will you marry me?"
She smiled and picked up the ring. It was silver with some sort of blue stone woven in. I had thought it resembled waves of the sea when I got it.
"Well, John, I think I will marry you." She tossed the ring in the air and caught it again. "Daddy said you have his blessing if you can get this ring on my finger. You may have to knock me out, but we'll see."
"Oh, I'll try not to knock you out. You might get a concussion."
She shrugged, "Whatever works." she tossed the ring again, it twirled in the air as it fell. She smiled. "You ready, John?"
"Yep."
The ring disappeared in her fist, which hit me in the forehead. I was a bit surprised, but I managed to block her next shot. I wasn't, however, prepared for when she swept her leg and floored me. I was on my feet again quickly, dodging her as she kicked, punched and in general gave me a really hard time of it.
I tried not to fight back much, since hitting girls has never been something I particularly relished. This didn't help my situation much, though, as she had absolutely no qualms in pummeling me.
Finally, I caught the fist that had the ring in it. I tried forcing it open, but she punched me in the gut before I could and I collapsed on the floor in a heap of pain.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you alright?" She asked, kneeling next to me in concern.
I gasped something out about how unhurt I was. It wasn't much and it wasn't worth much, but the pain abated after a little while and I noticed that Jane's hand was close to mine. I grabbed it and wrested the ring from her clutches.
She stood up before I could get it on her finger. Our eyes met briefly and she laughed at me before running to the ladder and disappearing into the hole. I followed slowly and made it down without falling. I could see her at the stairs, waiting. When I started toward her she immediately took off. I followed as best I could, gradually straightening with the lessening pain in my gut.
I tumbled down the last couple stairs and spotted her leaving via the front door. I started running after her at that point. She ran flat out for awhile, but I had longer legs, so I was gaining on her. Then she turned back and I leapt, bringing her down on the cool grass.
She flailed a bit, but I managed to hold her. Her hands were both tightened into fists and it took some doing to get them uncurled, but I finally managed to get the ring finger to stand up, after which point I put the ring on it.
Jane immediately relaxed in my arms. I helped her up and she hugged me briefly. Jim pulled up in the car and motioned for us to get in.
"I've got passports in the trunk, and some plane tickets. We'll get to the chapel in twenty minutes. From there it's five minutes to the airport. The plane leaves in half an hour on the dot, so no dillydallying." Jim fired everything off so quickly I had a hard time catching it all, so I asked him to repeat.
There was movement in the front seat and one of Jane's sisters -- the one that had held a gun to my head -- poked her head up over the seat back and said, "He got you, didn't he Jane?"
"Yep." Jane said, proudly displaying the ring. "You got caught too, Alice?"
Alice, too, had a ring on her finger; a red-tinged one with some twisted black metal. She looked tired and Jim explained that she'd lost some blood when he shot her.
We arrived at the chapel, dragged a clergyman out and had him marry us. He wasn't particularly happy about having a gun pointed at his head, but he managed the whole thing quite well and only stuttered a bit at the beginning. At the end, though, when Jim put the gun in its holster, he was a lot more courageous and pronounced us, "Man and wife...and man and wife, I guess. Did you guys even take the vows or what?"
"We do." Said Jim impatiently.
"Yes," said Alice, equally impatiently, "Get on with it."
"You may kiss the bride." The man said hastily.
I mushed my lips to Jane's and we stayed that way for a good part of the trip to the airport.
Jim threatened a lot of people when we got there, and by the time we got to the gate I could see security running for us. We made it onto the plane right before they closed the door. We all sat down and Jim tried to relax. It was difficult, but he managed it after we got in the air.
When we touched down, Jane sent a letter off to her dad, saying she was OK. We only spent a couple days there, since we knew the An Drasde's would probably pursue us in a little while.
We may stop running someday, but I hope not.
This is great!
