The Guide

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For 'A Walk With Jesus' short story contest...

The Guide


It was a cold windy night in late November. The sleet was pounding the small town of Oaksburg, Iowa.


A little boy sat by a window in his house with his trains. He had worked very hard all day to build the train's tracks so he and his daddy could play together when he got home. It had been hard work, but the little boy knew it was worth it. He loved playing with his daddy.


So he sat pushing his trains across the floor with his fingers and yawning occasionally. His daddy was sure taking a long time.

The little boy was about eight with long brown hair and big green eyes filled with childlike innocence.

The phone rang in the kitchen. The little boy hoped it was his daddy calling to say he'd be home soon.

He heard a small gasp come from the kitchen.

His mother walked into the living room with tears pouring from her eyes.

"Honey..." her voice broke, “let’s put your toys away now okay? Off to bed for you." She whispered the last part.

The little boy was upset, "I gotta wait for daddy!" He protested while wiping the sleep from his eyes."He promised we could play together."

The boy’s mother began to sob, "I'm sorry honey, Daddy's not coming home."

The boy became confused, "Sure he is mommy, he promised. You just gotta be patient."

The boy's mother couldn't take it anymore. She kissed her son on the head and went to her room to grieve.

The boy was getting very tired, his head lolled onto his chest and his eyes closed.

A man wearing a dark jacket and long jeans walked into the room. He gazed at the boy sadly. Then he went over and sat by him on the ground.

"Michel?" he whispered softly.

The boy opened his eyes and stretched "Daddy?"

The man helped the boy into his lap. "No, your daddy is not coming home for a very long time, but he loves you very much."

The boy thought this over and decided to believe the man, he had very kind eyes.

"When will I see him again?"

The man chuckled, "When you see me wearing white, you will see him."

The boy yawned again,"Wanna play trains?"

The man smiled, “Of course."

The two played trains until the boy finally fell asleep.

Then the man scooped the boy up and carried him protectively to his room.

The little boy saw the man every few nights after that, whenever he missed his daddy, and they would play trains together.

His mother didn't say anything when she saw her child talking and giggling to himself because she figured it was just a way for him to cope with his father's death.

Soon the man's visits became less and less frequent until they stopped all together and the boy began to grow up.

A few years later when the child entered middle school, things became rough again.

The boy was put through all sorts of pressures with girls and drugs and school.

It was even harder coming home because his mother had to work all hours of the day to make sure that they could pay their bills. And the boy had no father as a role model to give him instructions on how to handle the pressure.

No one was very kind to the boy unless they wanted something. Needless to say, the boy had forgotten the man who had helped him all those years ago and he struggled to take things into his own hands.

One night the boy was pressured into taking some drugs. He knew it was ultimately his decision, but he was so tired of the constant crap that he was given for not taking the drugs.

So there he was out in the alleys behind his school with a group of his so called friends. He held the pills in his hand and stared at them angrily.

He really didn't want to take them; he heard a voice whisper to him that it was wrong. But he was angry, too angry to listen. He was angry at his friends, the way his life had turned out, his father, and with himself. He wanted to take control of something.

One by one he popped the pills into his mouth and choked them down.

Awhile later he felt very tipsy, his also drugged friends invited him to take a drive with them and trash some houses.

But before he got in, he noticed a man leaning against the walls watching him. His curiosity got the better of him and he walked over to the man.

He looked into the man's eyes and saw that they were very kind. He immediately felt guilty.

"Michel," The man sighed sadly.

"I'm sorry..." slurred the boy. He slumped to the ground and cried until he became somewhat unconscious from all the drugs.

The man lovingly carried the boy home.

After that, whenever the boy was tempted to do something wrong he remembered the man.

Years later the boy had finished high school and college. He married a girl who he'd met in college and he began working at a train station.

He fathered three children with another on the way. However, things were not going well for his marriage.

Michel argued with his wife almost every day and they almost never spoke otherwise.

His children were very cross with him for never being home and the pressure he felt at home was only multiplied at work.

His wife was ready for a divorce, and he was near the point of breaking. He was losing everything he had cared about, again. He needed to take matters into his own hands.

The man did not want the divorce of course but he couldn't take the fighting any longer.

The man went in search of a lawyer to help him in court for the custody of his children. He had set up a meeting with one over lunch.

The man was at his wit's end, he cried for help in his mind. He couldn't bear losing his family, but he saw no other choice.

He silently called for help.

When the man arrived at the restaurant he was greeted by a man who wore a dark jacket and long jeans.

He doesn't look very professional to me, thought Michel.

The man offered his hand and Michel found himself looking into the kind eyes of his old friend.

"Tell me what wrong Michel." The man said as he gestured to their seats.

Michel found that tears were begging to well up in his eyes.

"Where have you been?" He cried "I've needed you more than ever these past few years!"

The kind man looked sympathetically at Michel, "I've been here the whole time, you just didn't ask for my help. You'd forgotten about me."

Michel looked at the floor helplessly with tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I need help, I can't do this alone," He sobbed.

The man listened to the man tell his story and talk about his family.

Michel realized the more he said about his family the more he didn't want to lose them.

The man was a very good listener. He cried with Michel and he laughed with Michel.

And finally Michel realized what he had to do.

Michel was going to go home and remind his wife how much he loved her and ask her if they could start over.

He was going to play with his kids and make sure that they knew he was always there for them.

But he couldn't do this alone. He needed the kind man's help and support.

The man supportively walked Michel home.

The man had lived the rest of his life well. Sure there were rough spots, but he always remembered the kind man in times of trouble and asked him for help whenever he needed it.

On a hospital bed some years later, Michel looked back on his life and smiled.

He realized that the man had been a guide throughout his whole life, helping him to make the right decisions and being
there to support and comfort him when he needed it the most.

He wished he could see the man one more time to thank him.

A doctor in a very long white coat walked cheerfully into his room.

"Good morning Michel." He said.

Michel chuckled softly "Oh, it's you, I was just thinking about you." He said smiling.

The man looked Michel over, “Yes you are in perfect condition. Ready to go?"

Michel sat up in his bed, "Of course, but first I have to thank you for always being there for me, for guiding me."

The man laughed out loud, "You are very welcome Michel!" He said in a strong voice. "We must go now though."

"Where are we going?" Asked Michel excitedly.

"Why, to see your father of course! Don't you remember what I said?" The man said with a grin.

Michel did remember, he remembered the man telling him all those years ago when he was playing trains that he would see his father again when he saw the man in a white coat.

"Shall we go then?"

Michel nodded happily and together the man walked Michel to his real home to see his father.
Last edited by servant4christ on Sun Jul 17, 2011 3:56 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...




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This story was like so awesome. The beginning almost made me cry :( but the ending made me happy :) I found a few spelling mistakes. NITPICKS:
servant4christ wrote:It was a cold,i think a comma goes here windy night in late November
servant4christ wrote:So he sat pushing his trains across the floor with his fingers and yawning occasionally, his daddy was sure taking a long time. this is a run-on
servant4christ wrote:
servant4christ wrote:A little boy sat by his bedroom window with his trains.
a small wording suggestion.
servant4christ wrote:The phone rang in the kitchen, the little boy hoped it was his daddy calling to say he'd be home soon.
this is also a run-on

there are a few more capitalization, spelling, and grammar mistakes so be sure to look for them :)

-Gmuffin-
If you expect the unexpected, wouldn't that make the unexpected the expected?
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth enjoys it?

~EPICFAIL~




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[filled with childlike innocence.] - caught me as coming across as redundant, seeing as the character expressing this emotion is in fact a child.

["Honey..." her voice broke,"] - brilliantly worded

I really like the disjointed single lines of prose and dialogue. Story comes across in a staccato tone, which I think is appropriate considering the subject manner

[The two played trains until the boy finally fell asleep.] - worded in the innocence and likeness of the little boy. Well done here.

When the boy gets older, the tone tries to change with it, becoming older and more serious. It's a good idea, but maybe refine some of the prose here. The part about not having a role model in middle school is important, but maybe a little too simplistic.

Homophone choices and spelling get the better of you sometimes in the story and these mistakes can be distracting to the reader. Be sure to comb your material closely, being away of loose vs. lose and adding extra E's after on the wrong side of L's .. i.e. handle / handel. Check your spelling in your word document, and a lot of these errors will go away. In general a great story line and, as I'm sure you had a word limit, you handled the constraints very well.

It's great to see 15 and 13 year old writers, so please keep at it. Look forward to seeing your work on here in the future.



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