The Swirl (Love is like ice cream... it melts eventually)

"Can I have a single cone please" Katie waited in line to get some ice cream.

"What flavor?" The employee asked.

"Vanilla and chocolate swirl thank you"

"So...you like swirl huh?" Ted approached Katie from behind surprisingly.He was her ex-boyfriend. They broke up a week ago and she was glad the relationship finally ended. But Ted was very persistent and did not give up easily. He was convinced that Katie cheated on him. He was determined to get answers.

"That will be $2.25"

"yes, I like the swirl...." Katie looked at him with a slight grin.

"You couldn't just have chocolate but you had to have vanilla too..."

"What's wrong with having both? I like to have choices..."

"Choices are fine but the swirl is just plain greedy. You have to choose one.
You either want chocolate or vanilla that's it! Miley Cyrus and R.Kelly wanted
the best of both worlds and look what happened to them..."

"Look--" The Cashier cut her words off.

"Miss, you owe me $2.25--"

"I know--" She shouted. Ted was starting to annoy her. She wanted him to stop talking.

"Admit it, you like chocolate better don't you? You bought the swirl just to
cover up the fact that you really wanted chocolate instead of vanilla. What does chocolate have that I don't? I taste better than chocolate."

She wanted to know why he was following her."What is this really about Ted?"

"I know where you were last night. I saw you. I walked in on you sleeping with him.He was a black man. A black man--"

" We aren't together anymore--" The cashier quickly cut off her words again. He was growing impatient from the noise exiting the two of them.

" Look I'm sorry to interrupt such a stupid conversation but miss you still
haven't paid me yet. There is also a line in back of you that's starting to
grow a tail!"

"Here you go....sorry--"

"Is he the reason you broke up with me? You were dating him when we were together?"

"No, I was not dating him when we were together."

"Oh, That's a relief." He grazed his shiny bald head with his hands as sweat dropped onto the floor from his face.

"I was sleeping with him..."

" What? You say it like it's better when it's clearly worse."

" Excuse me, can you two take this noise somewhere else--" A customer in line yelled.

" And you are so perfect? You were the worst boyfriend ever that's why I broke up with you. Yes, he's black. His color had nothing to do with why I slept with him. Awwh Christ...My ice cream is spilling all over my shoes!"

"That's what happens when you mix chocolate and vanilla together. Eventually you get a big, wet, slippery mess all over your Prada shoes. I was a perfectly good boyfriend to you. I even gave you a key!"

"Yeah, you did give me a key after you went and changed the locks. You never trusted or spent quality time with me."

" What's more better quality time than sex?"

"Wait a minute...Why were you lurking around my house? How did you get in?"

" There was a spare key under the mat.I figured you would notice it was gone so I broke in through the back window instead. Then I looked in and saw Madingo going to town.It broke my heart. I was upset. You were on my mind all night so I went and picked up a hooker to give myself comfort. I hope you are happy. Herpes could be making it's way through my body as we speak!"

" Good, I hope it kills you!"

" See, my mom told me never to date you. I should have known from the start never to hook up with a black woman. I'd expect a white woman to leave me for a black man but a black woman? I was suppose to be the new black. How could you betray me like this?"

" Well, I betrayed you long time ago. She was right!"

"What do you mean?"

" You should never hook up with a black woman..."

"That doesn't make any sense. You are black. I hooked up with you." Ted stood there looking puzzled and confused.

" I got news for you honey. I am not a black woman...I am a black man!"

Hello there Myrisha!

So I felt your story was dominated by dialogue between the characters.

"So...you like swirl huh?" Ted approached Katie from behind surprisingly.He was her ex-boyfriend. They broke up a week ago and she was glad the relationship finally ended. But Ted was very persistent and did not give up easily. He was convinced that Katie cheated on him. He was determined to get answers.

The part in red should really be it's own paragraph. Why don't you try, after Ted's words, to describe Katie's expression. Was she startled? The part in red again, is quite an info dump. It leaves no air of mystery and it's also not shy of cliché.

You dialogue, as you used it, needs a lot of work. This should help. .
Overall, your story needs a lot of characterisation. So far this looks like the kind of situation where you walk into people's conversation but you don't really get what they're on about. I understand the concept and I love it, which is why I chose to read this story. However, you need to paint a picture of your characters for me. The setting, how does it look like? The MCs, Ted and Katie, characteristics; personalities; their moods; reactions to each other; other traits; the ice cream cashier, what does he look like; the situation, what does it look like? Which is why, using just dialogue for a story, unless it's a play is not a wise decision. Right now all you have is a draft or a skeleton, and you need to add some flesh to the bones, seriously.

I hope I could help. With more practice, you will improve.

Keep writing and good luck!

This was interesting It kept my interest, the whole way through, and as a reader I enjoyed it. One thing, there was alot of dialogue without much backup information, so maybe if you are going to edit you could put in a paragraph or two, just filling in backstory. Let rip with everything you know and love about your main character, everything you need to say about the relationship. Why did she cheat, for example? Develop it, and this could be even better. It is a fantastic idea. I really liked this xD

Love, to be perfectly honest, this was rather disappointing. Dialogue is supposed to supplement, highlight, and enhance your story. However, with this story, without the dialogue, THERE IS NOTHING. The beginning did well enough to hook the reader, yes. Yet with the way the way that your tale turned out, it left the reader despising that hook. The character development was shoddy, and seemed overall like it was not pre-planned. The body of the story was confusing and kept throwing me off. Also. . .

more better quality time

this makes no sense. The grammar is flawed, and it seems like you tried to say two different things at once.

The ending? Sweetheart, I was disappointed. Between the mention of the boys mother, the revelation of cheating, amongst other things left the reader confused. Finally.... What. The. Heck. That ending left me confused, disoriented, and sad.

This short story kept my interest and really portrayed an argument between a former couple.

At times, though, I felt that there was too much dialogue. In fact, it was almost all dialogue. There wasn't enough background to support the story. I had a good idea of what was going on, but I got lost between the back-and-forth dialogue. I actually had to go back and count -- okay, this one's the girl; boy, girl, boy, girl, to figure out which one was talking.

You have a good foundation, the plot, but it needs some more developing. More backup information, and a more complete ending. I was lost and confused with the ending.

Good luck!