A Comment

Spoiler

For a certain someone. Contest Entry-"DLZ" Tv on the Radio http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N31oFeinFY

A Comment

you shredded me apart like meat
glued the stringy bits back into peace
trimmed the fat
and told me I was good as spring sow

you herded me atop a trigonometric plane
there, the wild-eyed clung together
until separated by darwinism--
I believe I was happy there

I felt the dawn of perfection being caste
it evaporated over the hairs on your head
and readied your stock for slaughter--
you held me close, pleading with me

drawing plasma, you clipped off my pretty toes
and told me that you'd carry me to shelter.
wrenching the flesh, you skinned me alive
but promised that we'd shelter each other.

you plucked my eyes from their sockets,
my tongue from mouth,
and so I listened for your sweet words

artfully, you laid out my entrails
desperately, you tried binding skin back to muscle
the membrane slid off of protein and fat
while you threw up your arms with embitterment

"those kidneys," you pointed to my guts
"are beautiful"
I listened as you walked away
"but I don't think I'll fix you today."

I don't even know where to begin, when my mind tried to dissect all of this! You have the makings to become a very good lyric writer! This sounds like something The Mars Volta would use in a song, and I love them! You've got a great way with words!

so I liked the use of words you ha and you described the pain pretty well. The details that you went into were really good. So keep up the good work in that.

What I didn’t like though was that after a while I thought Okay, I get the point, you are in pain. So I got a bit board after I was half way through. So keep up the good written skills.

Okay thanks for letting me know and posting on my wall. I re-read that keeping it in mind and it did improve my likes towards this so I guess then Ill take that its cliche back.

Ooh, gruesome, I like it!
You have the ability to conjure great lyrical stories, keep at it!
There could have been some extra measures taken to ensure it "looks the part".
You should generally use capitals at the start of each line is poetry, unless you're going for a different feel, as it were, in which case replace the "I"s for "i"s, but I think the first option would be best.
Also, watch out for typos; (should "sow" be "snow"?) it's not much of a biggie, but you should look over your work, just to make sure you haven't made any little mistakes.
Overall, I really liked this piece; you should be proud!

Hey BadlyDrawnLightning, thanks for the review. "Sow" should not be "snow" as it is referring to the female form of a pig. There is a fun comparison to young, fresh, and strong yet expendable livestock in this poem. Thanks though. Also, thank you for the help with capitals. I don't think I will change it because I'm not using any specific form of poetry. If I were using a certain pentameter, or style, I would have. For now I am going with my creative license. Plus I hate looking at "i"s...it's just a thing that drives me absolutely off my rocker. Thanks again, friend.