buried breath

I listened to bury me alive by we are the fallen, and this is what came


I can’t breathe
my lungs pump in desperation
but no avail

I’m dying
Even as the fight inside me grows stronger
I know that I am done
Everything is finished

No
I fight harder
scraping against the coffin that encloses
me
I shriek
my fear
will not let me accept defeat

so I scream
even when my lungs have no air to fuel it
and I thrash
even when my arms have long since lost their strength
when hope has fled

and so
still fighting
though the darkness
has forever stilled
me

Good! Very good indeed.
Yeah, I do sound like a creepy old evil genius applauding his apprentice's conversion to the dark side, but hey. We all have our problems.
So, before you start thinking I'm seriously disturbed, I'll get on with the review.
You already know my first impression. It was great - kind of disturbing and dark, but as that's the style you were going for, it was great and worked really well.
The only circumstance in which that kind of impression it wouldn't be great would be if you were writing a poem about a happy little teddy bear family who are skipping along to the park to have a picnic.
Unless the teddies were cannibals or something ...
ANYWAY - yeah, it was good.
One thing I found a little weird was the arrangement of the sentences that ended with 'me'. For example:

scraping against the coffin that encloses
me

I dunno, maybe it's just me - or maybe that was the sort of detached style you were going for - but the 'me' seems a little out of place.
Scratch that, I like it in the last line. It sounds good in a detached sort of way.
If I sound like a nutter to you, ignore me. I'm just being pernickety.
One other thing: in the first verse, you wrote 'my lungs pump in desperation//but no avail'. Grammatically speaking, it should be 'to no avail'. Just saying.
Other than that, it was a really great piece with a dark but persistent and grim sort of attitude. I thought it was really great.
My favourite verse:

so I scream
even when my lungs have no air to fuel it
and I thrash
even when my arms have long since lost their strength
when hope has fled

So long,
Ignis

I don't really have much to pick up on here - Ignis' review was hella detailed.
The one thing I would make a point of noting is the way your poem was structured - some of your lines were slightly off and didn't feel right, especially the last one. I'm assuming you singled out the 'me' specifically; however, it made it more odd to read, instead of more interesting.

Its very good I like it and dont see anything wrong with it.

I actually enjoyed this piece of poetry. It was very well written, other than no punctuation, but I found that my mind naturally created how it needed to be interpreted. This is one of the few pieces of poetry that I have read that actually gives the unpunctuated poem a good name. Good job. Keep writing.

I can’t breathe
my lungs pump in desperation
but no avail

I’m dying
Even as the fight inside me grows stronger
I know that I am done
Everything is finished

No
I fight harder
scraping against the coffin that encloses
me
I shriek
my fear
will not let me accept defeat

so I scream
even when my lungs have no air to fuel it
and I thrash
even when my arms have long since lost their strength
when hope has fled

and so
still fighting
though the darkness
has forever stilled
me
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