The Angel's Fall

Spoiler

Well this is another half hearted poem I wrote when I was supposed to be taking my Algebra final. What can I say, I'm a word person. This was written before I wrote Freshly Fallen but since I couldn't just leave it as a poem I had to write a story about it. Yes the rhyming is predictable and mediocre (and let's be honest, a tad repetative), I'm just looking for feedback on the content. thank you. Aaaand now my spoiler is longer than my poem, swell.

(read the first spoiler if you want to see the premise of it)

Through Earth and Air I fall,

Plummeting down into velvet night.

My heart too high, their reactions of appall.

Outstretched fingers grasp lavender light,

Oh how could the One have had the gall?

The ground rushes up to meet me, fright o! bitter fright

As I'm cast away from the glory of it all.

My wings are torn, nevermore my flight

And now from the heavens that bore me I fall...

'O cursed the fiend, begone from our sight!'

Broken on the shore, I lift myself and crawl-

This is not the end of me, they shall fear my might

Spoiler

So... yeah. If you've taken time to read this please suggest whatever you think, and if you (for some reason) liked it please 'like' it. happy reading.

Although I don't know exactly what you're talking about in your first spoiler, I did like this poem. It has this authentic sadness. I can't help but sympathize this angel.

However there are 2 things I want to point out. Not sure if I'm right but that's your decision.

1. maybe it's better to start of with From Earth and Air I fall instead of, Of Earth and Air I fall

2. and now I fall...fall...fall looks really out of place to me. Maybe you could make a normal sentence out of that like the rest of the poem.

but overall nice poem ^^

Hi!

Okay, I have to agree with you that the rhyming scheme was a bit repetitive. It was repetitive but I thought that it fit in beautifully with the poem. But if I were you, I'd have gone for a different rhyming pattern after about four lines. Because I find that too much of the same thing gets boring quickly.

Regarding the content, I think that you wrote it pretty well. I liked the end and how you finished it off with a tone that more's to come even in the story after the poem finished. That was really good. Although I don't think it would've hurt if you include a glimpse or two of why the Angel fell. What was it that she did that was so wrong? Perhaps add one or two lines in the poem somewhere telling us why she fell.

I also liked the tone of the poem. The way that you've written it all gives of this sort of oldish atmosphere. If that made any sense. I think what I'm trying to say is the language is very good in terms of giving us hints of the narrator behind it. I got the feel that the Angel was a rather old one, since her narration and the words she used isn't something that was heard these days. So, I think you did a really good job creating a feel and personality of the person behind the narration using the language.

Overall, my main critiques here are:
-the rhyming patter is a little bit too repetitive.
-I would've liked to see why the Angel fell.
The second one wasn't anything major, just a suggestion. The first one wasn't too bad either. The repetitive rhyming fits into it beautifully. But I think that it could've been a bit better if it wasn't so repetitive.

Other than those points, I think that this is a very good poem. Keep it up!

Thank you I can't thank you enough for the reviews and the input. I'm always thankful to listen to peoples' opinions and suggestions on my work. I'll try to work on the advice, and to answer your question: yes, I usually try to keep my poems vague and enigmatic. Gracias to all!

For all those NOT a fan of Renn's beautiful word weaving, the story that this poem is attached to can be found viewtopic.php?t=79442 <--- There

To be honest, when you told me you wrote a poem about The Angel's fall from heaven, I pictured a poem (Shuttup, my mind may work weird, but at least it works!) describing a surreal transition between dimensions and worlds where things don't quite exist in the right order. Akin to Alice's fall down the rabbit hole if you would.

Sooo, yeah, disappointing in that respect but I do have to say that I am impressed with what you've done here. I think it's brilliant to be quite honest, the way it flows is quite smooth.

Keep writing!

(I don't actually know why I say that anymore. We both know that I can't get you to STOP... )

You've definitely earned a "like" for this one! This is very beautiful and i didn't find it as bad and repetitive as you said. This is amazing and even more amazing for something written during an Algebra final (how'd you do on that, by the way? XD) You're one of those Shakespearean types aren't you? You capture some of his style in here and used it well. Props to that seeing as even most poets can't even understand him! Beautiful imagery and language! Bravo!

Veritas

As for how I wrote this during an Algebra final... Well... Let's just say I wrote it and was editing it on the paper I was supposed to be showing my math work on. xD But I still passed!
teacher- "(my name) what're you doing? Does that have to do with showing your work?"
me- "Well, it's my work- if that counts."
teacher- "Not quite. This have to do with that notebook of yours?" (I may be infamous for writing during math)
me- (nods)

This was.. quite alright. I sense that you wrote this in quite a hurry. ? Whatever the case, it's fine; but definately not you're best work. You didn't give good enough visuals for me. I was having a hard time making out a mental picture to your story even though I knew what it was about. You're wording and rhyming scheme was a little rough too. It wasn't that the poem was bad, I just think you could have added or done a lot more with it.

Best of luck.
-rememberme

Hi-ya!!! First off, I haven't read any of your work yet, so this is very interesting!! I love your title because it brings in the reader with suspense.
My favorite line is these two:

Through Earth and Air I fall,
Plummeting down into velvet night.

Through out this whole piece, there's so much space for the reader to fill in the gaps of interpretation. That can be both good and damaging as well, but I chose to positively fill the spaces....I hope I'm not getting why the angel would be falling 'through' the earth, but in the writer side of my brain, I get it in a weird way. Not sure if that makes sense....

Anyway! I love the way you ended this piece:

Broken on the shore, I lift myself and crawl-
This is not the end of me, they shall fear my might

With a sense of hope, new beginning, and the mystery of what's left to happen, as a writer, you bring it all together.
Very Brilliant work! Never let the Whispers touch you!