tongue

I bit my tongue and I'm tasting the blood
it hurts me although it doesn't seem like a lot
you pulled out all your weapons and took the shot

Now that the blood flows from countless holes
a million arrows, a million bows
I'm starting to lose life but I can see the whole

it's draining me
slowly but steady
I'm going empty
vaguely I see
it's coming down on me

I lost my tongue but I'll keep my word
a million holes, my vision blurred
I stumble, I fall, I realize there's no cure

the site changes into weird dimensions
I see you look at me from every direction
I'll deal with your intentions

It's draining me
Slowly but steady
I'm going empty
Vaguely I see
It coming down on me

I can't feel the pain I'm going numb
I close my eyes my heart makes its last jump
pulled my last card you pulled the trump

with closed eyes I see the end
I see the fantasy and where it went
I smile cause I finally know what you meant
it has never been in my hands

Red=Mistakes
Blue=Correction
Everything about the poem is good. The only thing that you messed up were two spelling errors, in this sentence.

I stumble, I fall, I realise theres no cure

It's suppose to be: I stumble, I fall, I realize there's no cure

Other than those two spelling errors, I really liked the poem.

it's corrected thank you

This was amazing! I loved it. inspireing and cool! there are no mistakes as far as i see. i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you are an awesome poet!

Hello! I really enjoyed reading this poem. The imagery was rather magnificent. However, what drew me away was the fact that there was little punctuation and capatilization. Here's my edit of it all. (Edits are in bold)

I bit my tongue and I'm tasting the blood.
It hurts me although it doesn't seem like a lot.
You pulled out all of your weapons and took the shot.

Now that the blood flows from countless holes,
a million arrows, a million bows.
I'm starting to lose life but I can see the whole. Also this line, maybe could you rephrase it? It's just sounds a bit off, you know? Maybe change it to: I'm losing my life, but now I can see the whole.

It's draining me,
slowly but steady.
I'm going empty.
Vaguely I see,
it's coming down on me.

I lost my tongue but I'll keep my word,
a million holes, my vision blurred.
I stumble, I fall, and/; I realize there's no cure

The sight changes into weird dimensions. I believe you meant sight as in vision not site as in Internet.
I see you look at me from every direction.
I'll deal with your intentions.

It's draining me,
slowly but steady. This time it doesn't need to be capitalized because it's a fragment.
I'm going empty.
Vaguely I see
it coming down on me. *see note above*

I can't feel the pain, and/; I'm going numb.
I close my eyes, my heart makes its last jump.
Pulled my last card, you pulled the trump.

With closed eyes, I see the end.
I see the fantasy and where it went.
I smile because I finally know what you meant. Cause is not a word unless it's with cause and effect.
It has never been in my hands.

Perfectly lovely, just a bit spotty in a few places. Good job, and I hope you do fix the punctuation in this. I like the imagery and it would be a shame to take that away because of those mistakes. I hoped I have helped.

-Nana

Hey there, Metal.
So I’m hoping that, even if my input is a little delayed, it might hopefully still be valid. I won’t sit here and pick at all of the little bits and pieces but there are definitely a few things that could have improved this greatly.

1. The first is a title. Although titles aren’t absolutely necessary to have a good poem, “tongue” just doesn’t grab my attention. I actually almost didn’t read this at all but I am rather glad I changed my mind.

2. Rhyming is a make or break kind of thing. If you start rhyming, it can definitely throw a reader for a loop. And if you abruptly start rhyming, readers may end up baffled. You have half a rhyme scheme started out in this poem. But the wishie-washie attitude in the rhyme scheme of the poem makes it hard to follow.

3. Some of your word choices are kind of uncomfortable. I always recommend that a poem be read, at least once, out loud. How a poem pulls off of the tongue is key to a reader wanting to go back and read it. Not just to read it once but to appreciate it and love it enough to read it a second, third and fourth time.
You have a few words that definitely throw me for a loop as I read this. In particular:

the site changes into weird dimensions

Vaguely I see

Still, you’re vision with this poem is definitely out there and about as well. You paint a very abstract picture and you seem to know where you want this poem to begin and end. But a poem isn’t all thought. It’s a good part execution as well.

If you have any questions, just send me a PM or leave a post on my wall!

~lilster