Ice

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This seemed a bit short to me. Although I'm not sure how to continue it. Please tell me your thoughts on it. Critiques are also more than welcome. :)


A silent teardrop shed;
A consequence of those hating words,
You will never understand,
The whirlpool of hurt that followed.

Or the direction my heart went.
But I'll tell you,
My heart took a worse turn
And plunged into icy hibernation.

Numb, forever-frozen and unloving.

The heart solidified.
A frostbitten icicle, it was.
I knew not whether it will heal.
Or whether it'll see spring's bloom again.

But whatever path lies ahead,
For now, the heart
Is a winter wasteland.
Not a winter wonderland.
Last edited by MiRaCLeS on Wed Jul 06, 2011 12:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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I liked it! It was short but well descriptive. I could see the sad, frozen, broken heart.

I just have to ask: can you use colors? That always puts a vivid image in my head.

Other than that, nice poem. You should make more! ;)

-Ariel.
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
- Lewis Carroll




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It's not really a matter of being short, so much as whether or not it said everything you wanted to say. It felt complete to me as a reader, but it's up to you as a writer.
I agree with the above suggestion, so I won't comment there.

Now that that's over with, I really like it. I was going to quote the lines I liked, but I ended up liking too many of them.
I felt like the last stanza didn't fit into the flow of the poem all that well. It just seemed to have a slightly different feel to it. I got just a little disengaged from the exquisite emotion you were portraying, (I really liked the message you sent in it though).

If you feel it needs tweaking, I would suggest you start there. If you don't think it needs tweaking, then don't change it, because you probably ruin the brilliance of it.

Overall though, a spectacular poem. This is the first work I've read on this site, so it's a great first impression.
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You overuse the word 'frozen' in some of the stanzas, but if you found good enough substitutes, then this poem would be fantastic. You've got quite a good grasp of the theme and you can feel the pain and retribution in it. Another nitpick, I think that in the first stanza, it feels a little like you're trying to grasp a rhyme scheme but you don't quite get there - that could just be me, but you might want to take another look at it.
Keep writing.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers.
To envy.
To madness.
Betrayal.
Love.
And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing.
But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love.
To be human.



“And how shall I think of you?' He considered a moment and then laughed. 'Think of me with my nose in a book!”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell