Sinking

i
sink
d
o
w
n
below,
way down,
way down,
way down,
i cant
breathe,
just
keep
f
a
l
l
i
n
g,
just keep
s
i
n
k
i
n
g.
everyone
sinks,
everyone
dies,
everyone
drowns,
i suffocate.
i see
a sea
of green
lost in
a wave
of
emotions.
regret,
guilt,
memories.
please
don't
forget
me
as i
s
l
i
p
below my
consciousness.
way down,
way down,
way down.
buried
beneath
diamonds,
memories,
treasures.
secrets.
let me
sink.

Do you think that when you sink, you fall straight down the edge of a piece of paper?
I feel like there would be more movement, some kind of floating askew, following a current, or a movement of something passing sideways in the column of downward.
And why are you going to be buried beneath diamonds, memories, treasures, secrets? Why those specific words?
Where are you seeing this sea of green? Is the wave that covers it made of something separate, or is it part of the same sea that you see?
And why, when you start off so matter-of-fact, then ask us not to forget you, why do you end by asking us to let you go? How did you earn this feeling?

The reader wants to be able to follow your train of thought. We aren't able to track your path through these words. It just seems to be lists and lilting, nothing of substance. It seems like the kind of blank thoughts that someone who's drowning and doesn't care might have, but why wouldn't they care? What would be powerful enough to make them not care that they are sinking?

These are just some questions that I think would be good to think about when considering whether or not you want to reshape this poem.

Lemme know if you have questions.

Hannah

Hey there! I saw that you were a girl and you're my age so I thought I'd read and review this. Maybe we can be friends Anyway, the poem! The concept is one familiar to me, figuratively and metaphorically speaking. I'm wondering if this was written from personal experience or from a concept you thought up. It feels like the latter but it should feel like the former. Poetry should feel real. I should believe that you know what it's like to drown.

cyancheshire wrote:i sink
d I think your format is pretty cool. Makes me feel like I'm sinking.
o
w
n
below,
way down, I understand what you were trying to do but it didn't really catch on.
way down,
way down,
i cant
breathe,
just
keep
f
a
l
l
i
n
g,
just keep
s
i
n
k
i
n
g.
everyone
sinks,
everyone
dies,
everyone
drowns,
i suffocate. Tell us about how the icy water invades your lungs and steals away your breath like a thief in the dark and how the pain feels like a sharp knife ripping through your chest. Well, you don't have to do that much but you get the point. Description is key.
i see
a sea
of green
lost in
a wave
of
emotions.
regret,
guilt,
memories.
I'm not quite sure I get this...
please
don't
forget
me
as i
s
l
i
p
below my
consciousness.
way down, It worked a little better here.
way down,
way down.
buried
beneath
diamonds,
memories,
treasures.
secrets.
Might be better if you take that out.
let me
sink.

L

I like it and the potential it holds. There's so much you can do with it and I'm sad that I didn't write it XD. Looking forward to reading more from you! Pm me if you have any questions!

Veritas

Hi!

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of the formatting. I like the idea, but, I think that it'd be better if you tweaked it a bit. So that it becomes a little like this:

I
sink

D
o
w
n

Below,
Way down,
Way down,
Way down,
(and so on)

In my opinion, if you split it into stanzas and make it into little groups it'll look more neat and organised. Which is a lot easier to read. A bit of puncutation and capitalisation doesn't hurt either.

Also, I see that you have on average about two words on each lines. That makes the poem looks choppy and long winded, not to mention that it doesn't particularly help with the flow. It also doesn't signify anything particularly important in the poem, not one that I could see anyway. My suggestion to you is to just put them together. A bit like this:

I see a sea of green,
Lost in a wave of emotions.
Regret, guilt, memories.
(and so on)

I think that that is a lot easier and smoother to read rather than having about two words on each line.

As for the content, I wouldn't mind seeing some of the lines elaborated and explained more clearly. Most of the lines in there are quite vague, I'd like to see it to be more specific. Like near the end where it says, "Please don't forget me as I slip below my conciousness." You can tell us why; why it's so important so that the narrator is not forgotten. There's also a few more lines like that in the poem. I think that you can be a bit more specific about those.

My main critique is the formatting I guess. I'd suggest you to split them into stanzas and format it in a way so that it's easy to read and looks good. I just think that the poem is a bit hard to read at the moment. But other than the formatting, the poem itself is not bad, could use a bit of elaboration and tweaking. But, definitely not a bad try. Feel free to PM if you have any questions.

I really enjoyed reading this! Not only was the message it was trying to get across clear, and the emotion was felt (at least for me) as well.
I don't really have a complaint, because any type of art form (poetry, sketching, photography, etc) is all subjective, and I truly enjoy your writing style a lot! It's almost exciting to read. Reminds me of "Crank", or the way Ellen Hopkins writes.
All in all, I really did enjoy this poem. : )
Keep writing!

Very interesting. Not sure how I feel about it. Great work!

I like how you express death and the emotions that go along with it. I loved it. Keep writing!