Stardust

There's a really long story to this poem, lots of things that are close to me, things Ryan and I have talked about and laughed about.
Enjoy.


As we lay here on the grass
surrounded by people
but so alone
I am reminded that you're not mine.

I am reminded that you're my best friend,
that you don't like me back.
You never will.

We gaze at the stars
dancing around the night sky
and some leaving trails
of where they've been
but they don't know where they're going.

Where are we going, Ryan?
Where are we going to end up?
Are we going to stay this way,
brother and sister?
Or are we going to drift apart
like so many before us?

These stars...
They're beautiful,
But sometimes they mean more
than what can be seen.
Maybe they're Kings,
maybe they're dreams
that have been lost over the years.

Are we going to end as a star?
Nothing but a lost dream?

Seasons may change.
People may come and go,
but I will always stay the same.
I'm your rock?
I'll be the best damn rock you've ever met.

So every time you see the stardust
rain down from the heavens,
think of me, okay?
Even if I end up a thousand miles away,
don't forget our songs
and how we sang them so loudly
that night at the bonfire.

If you ever catch the stardust,
keep it in the jar
with my name on it.

I like you writing style. It's pretty straightforward, which I really appreciate, and you say what you need to say without much embellishment. However, it could use a little more. It's kind of bland the way it is, and I feel like you can do more with the stars metaphor you have going on here.

As we lay here on the grass
surrounded by people
but so alone
I am reminded that you're not mine.

It's an okay start, but, to me, it sets up a vibe that I don't really like. Maybe it's because I'm old, but "Why don't you like me? Will you ever like me?" is a narrative that I play too often and I don't particularly like reading about.

So every time you see the stardust
rain down from the heavens,
think of me,okay?
Even if I end up a thousand miles away,
don't forget our songs
and how we sang them so loudly
that night at the bonfire.

If you ever catch the stardust,
keep it in the jar
with my name on it.

Other than that one stray word, this was nearly perfect. It's a very strong ending that I wish would have been present in the whole thing. Simple reworking is all that's needed.

Excellent work otherwise. Keep working on your craft.

kf

I really like this. It's so straight-forward, and I love the story in it. I've gone through a situation like that before, where we were just best friends and considered each other family...but now we're a year. So, there is hope!

And, I love the stardust. It's so unique and beautiful. There's not much that I can say about it, to be honest. You're writing is very sublime. Keep that up! :3

This had alot of meaning in it, and it made me feel a rush from my past. It made me feel the longing that I think is what you were trying to get across. It was very enjoyable to read and it was like a story in the way that it told about the present and the future unknown. I really liked how you used that starbust it was very good and over all this was a excellent poem!! Loved it!

I love this poem, and unfortunatly for me, I can relate to it. A lot.

I am reminded that you're my best friend,
that you don't like me back.
You never will.

So true.

Where are we going, Ryan?
Where are we going to end up?
Are we going to stay this way,
brother and sister?
Or are we going to drift apart
like so many before us?

Yes, again, I can realate to that. We are as close as brother and sister, he calls me his sister, but he'll never like me the way I like him. This is my favourite stanza.

I love your style it flows. I love it. It deserves a like and a follow.

Just a comment. You and Ryan sound really sweet together. :3

This was so sweet! (kinda what the other reviewer said, but whatever) I loved reading it. Especially your ending lines. There's nothing I really think you need to change- keep writing!

Hi, Olivia.

Here's what I think would help this poem. It's a lovely idea, something that a lot of people can relate to, but I think you've closed us off and made it too specific in some areas. Using a person's name and specific references to something you've talked about with that real person make us understand that this is a poem only between you two. Why do we even need to read it? Because, there's that feeling that you want to share, right? Then open it up to us more.

The best part of this poem is:

So every time you see the stardust
rain down from the heavens,
think of me, okay?
Even if I end up a thousand miles away,
don't forget our songs
and how we sang them so loudly
that night at the bonfire.

If you ever catch the stardust,
keep it in the jar
with my name on it.

Because even though it's addressing a person, it's not a specific person, it's a wish that many people can say to their many friends. Many people sing at bonfires. It's something we can access. I'd like you to experiment more with taking it away from specifically you and Ryan, and just working through that feeling between two people in similar relationships. Instead of Olivia and Ryan, it's a boy and a girl who are friends but someone wants something more. That's something a reader can relate to easily.

I love the setting that you have, because it keeps us grounded, especially as you periodically reach back out for more relation to the stars, so I'd like to see you keep that, but rework the way you bring us in.

Let me know if you have questions.

Hannah

I liked it. It put this image in my head of a young girl and a young man sitting on a blanket, watching the stars. While she sneaks wistful glances at him, he is daydreaming. Nice job! d(^-^)b

The blunt honesty in poetry can often be a double-edged sword. Having poetry without really strong imagery or diction can be seen as childish, juvenile, and some may consider it to not be poetry at all.

But sometimes the blunt can be good.

I found that in this poem, there was a lot teetering between doing something really good and crashing it. You laced your idea of stardust and you kept that going but the imagery in itself was rather... flat. The use of simple words killed any chance of you really bringing some serious bang to this.

For instance, that first stanza needs to be redone. It gives the idea of this poem being silly and childish from the start so its hard to really keep following throw and or taking it seriously. As someone whose passed the years of childish adolescence, the idea of unrequited love is not technically gone, but I've also seen it many times before. There's no originality in that idea. That being said, when you give the imagery of stardust, you're making it your own in a sense.

Because stardust is you big tie, you need to make it strong. And make it strong by using words you may feel a little uncomfortable with. Give imagery that is beyond exteriors. Really reach for what you want to show and this poem will glide instead of just merely telling.

I suppose you could say I've never been the type to truly enjoy contemporary poetry. Either way, I didn't hate this. On the contrary. There were sections I did enjoy. Just that there are things of which you may need to reconsider and there are sections of which could use something more.

~Walker

P.s. By the way, were you inspired by a song, perchance? If not, check out the song Boats and Birds by Gregory and the Hawk. It might be why something lacked for me with this piece, simply because the imagery has been done before in an almost... well, exact manner. You'll get why if you listen.

If not, my mistake!

*like* So, at first, I was thinking, "Why is this featured? It is really pretty, but there doesn't seem to be anything... extra- special." Then, by probably the 3rd stanza, my heart started aching and I could really feel this. So, I guess I'm saying that I went into this without super high expectations, but you changed my mind and I LOVED it! Great job, and never stop writing!!! <3

Beautiful, just beautiful. I loved it. It was very inspiring, very wonderful. I can relate. I didn't find any nitpicks.

If you ever catch the stardust,
keep it in the jar
with my name on it.

This may have just inspired a story, if that's okay. If it's alright, I'd like to write a story based on this. I would give credit. I just think that a poem this amazing and inspiring deserves a story.

I really enjoyed this. It sounds just like what i'm going through at the moment. I can not ever say how much this means to me and for the moment it is my favorite poem.

Well—I have a lot of thoughts so here we go!

First: I can relate—just a bit of history to prove it ~ I have secretly been in love with my best friend who is currently my best friend (oooo twist) with benefits—so yeah…I can relate.

Second: I don’t know your age, or I should be saying, I’m secretly hoping you’re not actually 99, although that could be cool in an odd way I guess...
My point! It started off a little on the younger side in the way you stated your feelings and using the work “like” rather than “love”, although—you may not love him—but the poem makes it feel like you do. And this is not a criticism, it’s just the sense I got out of the poem, which for me is my favorite part when I read reviews, hearing what people got out of my writing. Anyway, as the poem continued I really felt the power behind all you’re built up and closed off feelings.

Three: I am a lover of the unanswered questions being stated in peoples writing, along with my own, just a nice fact I thought I would share

Four:

Maybe they're Kings,
maybe they're dreams
that have been lost over the years.

Love love love the way you stated this line--again just a thought.

And I guess for five, to end it on an odd number, the way you finished off with a hopefull tone was nice, but if I was being honest--it didnt leave the reader with enough truth on what you have been thinking all of this time. It was almost expected--ending on a happier note than the start of a piece is how most stories play out--give us the truth!

All in all--great job!
SnowBerry