The Death of Spring

This was really cool. The set up was very original and rather refreshing =]. It was a bit odd to read, but I think thats just because you don't see many poems like these. Overall, a job well done. =]

Really good! Just a flat out good idea, and an even better delivery. It's refreshing to see someone providing some good commentary on topics that America has deemed "controversial". The poem managed to flow very well, which can be tough with such abnormal line breaks. Abnormal or not, this is a job well done! Keep up the good work!

Whooo.

On Todber farm, two men gather
glissandos along their heartstrings;
blades of grass become reeds
with whistles auguring the death of spring.

This opening is absolutely gorgeous. I can see them, I can feel the feeling of glissandos, the way they'd catch on every string, but still ripple afterward, and the blades of grass becoming reeds begs wind, so I see the stalks bending and the sound of the window blowing across as whistles and I am immediately in your poem.

Then you move here:

They were fresh from the Ivy League,
the marching snares, the MBAs,
but trapped like wrestlers in a ring,
they went to a country chalet

And this sets up something more concrete. Okay, so we know where they came from, and where they're going and we get a better sense of them, still, outside of this mystic word of bending grass. Now we know they're real people and they're just in a new place. Now I want to know what happens.

where springtime crows of Immaculate Conception.

But I get lost a little here. It doesn't seem to fit. Is it trying to hint again to the fact that they're two men? Love being birthed between them because well, they couldn't possibly have had baby-sex? But I don't need to hear that in this heavy way. I know what's going on. You've set it up so well, we don't need another explanation here.

And the next part is beautiful as well. Here's just something to ponder. You brought out the rhythms in onomatopoeiatic words, and that difference in rhythm CLEARLY comes out. I love it. Not tap tap tap, but Boom boom boboom. It's good, and it works so well. But I wonder if we could somehow find the same strength and also reveal more in words. Can you find words that slip into that rhythm but also show us another image or something more about these men? It'll be a hard search, so for now these words are good, but maybe you'll stumble upon them, or a similar juxtaposition of different rhythms at some point.

And then, I wonder why you need the last stanza:

Fitting as how the two men love
like autumn.

I DO think you need a repetition of the idea of the men loving, but the rest seems arbitrary. I don't understand what loving like autumn means, or why that's related to sending meadowlarks flying. Maybe it's just over my head. But if it seemed a stretch when you were writing it, or if you were at ALL displeased with this section, you should take another look at it, examine it one more time and see if you can find the words to say what would better close off this piece.

It's strong. Make it stronger!

Let me know if you have questions, if you didn't understand something I was saying, or if you'd just like to talk more!

Hannah