On Going War

(This is a revised version off my poem- I Can't Win. Please comment/review. Will appreciate it if you do.)

She snaps at him
Pissed that he’s drunk
I turn away so I don’t have to see
The tears on her face
And disappointment in her eyes
It’s too much for me to bear


He growls at her
Says she complains a lot
I have to step back
The rage on his face
And pain in his voice
It’s too much for me to handle

The fighting is a war
It never seems to stop
Sounds like gun shots
When they pull the trigger
Aiming at their targets
But shooting too far

The fight’s about me
Who made me late?
Her hair took too long
He wasn’t home in time
Who was supposed to pick me up?
He said he would
But she was just around the block


I can’t win
All I do is scream at her
And yell at him
What side do I take?
It doesn’t matter
The war always goes on

This poem is very powerful. Maybe work on clarifying certain parts PM me and we can go into details. Sorry this review is so short I'm in a rush but I really wanted to tell you how awesome this is and to keep it up!

-Kels <3

Will do Kels...

Thanks,
-Brie

Wow, this poem was very vigorous and emotional! I love it. It's confusing, but in a good kind of way, like it's a mystery or something. I love how there's like two different stories in the poem - the fighting, the lateness. Very interesting. There's not much for you to work on, because this was very amazing.

Hiya there.

My thoughts aren't as coherent as I'd like them to be right now, so I'm sorry if this turns out to be a waste of a review Anyway. We'll tackle the mechanics and whatnot first.

As your friend already pointed out, you need to clarify some parts of the poem. But, seeing as that's already been said, I won't elaborate anymore than what's needed.

I think my biggest issue with the piece is that the emotion tends to fall flat in places where it should be sinking through the reader's heart. You rely on bland, simple adjectives and syntax to describe something that is truly complicated, not to mention that there really isn't much figurative language in the poem at all, save for the comparison between the man and woman's fighting and a war (though even that was rather redundant; wars typically include fighting, anyway), and the simile about gun shots. Poems generally thrive on strong figurative language to carry out underlying emotions. With so much to say with so little words, keeping your language concise and descriptive is crucial so that the reader may empathize, or at least sympathize, with what the poem is saying. Try digging deeper to find the proper words to describe the complexities of the speaker's situation, as I'm sure you feel the pain you're trying to convey. Unfortunately, however, we don't.

As for the subject itself (on a much more basic scale) I can at least relate to the speaker. She's standing there watching her parents argue, neglecting/oblivious to her presence. They're fighting over something that concerns the speaker, but she is interpreting the situation as her parents fighting over her, as if she's at fault for what's happening between her parents. It is in that sense, I suppose, that I can empathize. You picked a subject to write about that I think a lot of people on here are familiar with, and it's nice sometimes when one can read something that describes how one has felt at a point in time and know that there are other people out there who have experienced similar hardships.

Anyway. I'm rambling now. Overall, you're off to a good start.
-Earendil

This makes me think of my own parents fighting.

I think this is a good poem... I don't know, I want to say you could spice it up more, but sometimes I think some peoms are meant to be all flowery and wonderful in their language and word choice, and then other poems, like these, are okay with simple little words and phrases and even work better this way. This poem I think works well this way is because, in my opinion, when we talk about people fighting or talk about bad things, we almost try and sometimes detach ourselves from it so we don't get too emotional. In a way, the wording of this poem is very detached, very separated and very a non-emotional point of view. Until the end when it really starts delving into the narrator's feelings. So that's why I think it's okay for it to not be full of wonderfully colored imagery.

I just want to point out my favorite lines:

Aiming at their targets
But shooting too far

I loved this part. Only because it makes so much sense to me.
I know so many times how other people's fights and anger can reach further than intended. I know when people, such as my parents, fight with one another, they are only mad at one another. But, they way they express their anger it reaches out further and indirectly attacks me. When people fight, it always somehow involves others. Even if a person is mad at say, their friend, and not anyone else, being mad at their friend can also unintentionally hurt other friends.

And then it also makes me think of how parents will drag their children in to it, like you go on to say in a later stanza. I think it's awful, because there's so much damage that comes about. And it's not healthy at all.

That's all I have to say, though. Nice job.

You developed this poem quite a bit, Brie. Things I was guessing at in the first poem were elaborated in this one. Good job.
I agree with the others that you need to explore word choices to really let the reader connect to your piece.
I didn't see any grammatical errors. Yay!
The last stanza really tied everything in nicely. I only have a few criticisms.

It’s too much for me to bear

and

It’s too much for me to handle

These last lines of the first two stanzas seem to dampen the power of the piece. These lines are a little over-used and I personally don't think they add too much to your writing. It's entirely up to you, of course.

I do love how you juxtapose the structure of your first two stanzas. Starting with their actions, then the feeling behind the action, your reaction, the physical appearance of their face, and then the emotion in their eyes. Nice.

As for the stanza regarding the shots, I almost liked the first version comparing it to objects being thrown.

When they pull the trigger

This is the only line that bothers me. Maybe I'm just too much of a literalist.

All in all, I think you've really improved the piece! Great job.
Happy writing!
-Sea-

I loved this poem. I made me think of parents fighting because of the child. I think the poem has a real great flow to it, and you put in a lot of effort. Its shows really clear emotions, I think you did that really well. It was confusing at first, but once you kept on reading it all explained itself. I really like this poem. The idea was good and it all fit really well. Keep writing!

Deanie x