By the Road

By the Road

Bouquets of flowers-
lilies and orchids-
stuck in the ringlets of the fence.

Dirt and tumbleweed cross the road.
Candles-
with Jesus, Joseph, or Mary on them-
burn furiously-
until the flames given to the tears.

God cries- mourns- for her,
since she was and still is His child.

All that is left:
the glass shards with her blood,
the marks of her blood-
dried on the gravel.

Now all of it is washed away by the tears-
but she is not.
Her name will always be Rachel.

I like the first half of it- I can totally see it. I picture a dusty space with sun too bright, scarlet glass that's baked to the asphalt, and a memorial where the candle's can't stay lit because of the lack of oxygen. I love the provocative language. (Not provocative as in sexy, provocative as in thought-invoking.) The second half went down the slope too quickly for my taste. I think you need a gap between God and the Road, a bridge stanza, or perhaps a re-arranging of them. Excellent though,

So I read this twice. The first time I wasn't sure if I liked it, so I took the liberty of rereading and found that I did like it. Very much, actually. Your description was perfect as I could picture every single little detail. Beautiful, wistful, and brilliant. I loved it

Fran94 wrote:until the flames given to the tears.

given= give in? Or did I just not get this line at all?
I've seen these shrines: on rock walls, in front of supermarkets. They strike such a painful, provocative (stole that from Warwird Bird) image.
I agree with Bird that there should be another stanza between the road and the girl, because it feels a little imbabalanced as it. Besides that, it was a really good piece and I'll definitely pause when I see one of those shrines again.

I live right next to a fence that has one of those shrines, and reading this I was able to picture it perfectly. Your descriptions were spot on and you controlled the cadance very well. I think Empress is right about the line

until the flames given to the tears

Unless i didn't get it either....
Wonderful job with this poem, you had a powerful image and you definetely were able to evoke emotion from me.
Keep writing!! I wish to read more!

I liked your poem. Though simple and precise, was very meaningful. Keep writing

Hello Fran94,

At first I wasn't sure if I liked this poem but then after rereading it several times I began to fall in love with pure simplicity of it. I liked how the meaning wasn't hard to decode and how the topic just flowed nicely and you developed the meaning of this throughout the entire poem. Nlow i have a few things that i would like to mention that I think could help improve your poem.

The first thing I have is small but nevertheless still a little important. Okay, so if you are going to put the title at the start of the poem you need to make it clear that it is the title and not the very first line of the poem which is the mistake that many people can make, so you have just written.

By the Road

The only reason that I know this is the title is becasue you have capatilized the 'R' in the word 'road' and it's is at the very beginning of your poem. Next time you could underline it, bolden it, make it slightly larger than the rest of the poem or center it. Don't put the title in a different font ot italize it though, it doesn't look very effective.

the next step for the actual writing of your poem would be to take this further by making the sentences longer, you have written really simple, basic sentences and I think you need to write fuller sentences. You have the main body of your poem and you have decided what the main scheme of your writing is going to be but you just need to write more descriptive sentences and include more imagery throughout the entire poem, you have only really told what was happened you haven't really gone into more depth and at the moment I think it has potential to be more poetic.

Another nit pick I have found was here, it has already been spotted and brought up by a couple of other people but they are right and I think it is important so here it is.

until the flames given to the tears

So I was really confused as to the meaning of this, it just didn't really make sense at all. I think you need to pay your attention to this line and correct it as appropriate, I honestly found about five different interpretations that people might make of this.

Another suggestion would be to make this poem a bit longer! It was rather short and by the time I had finally started to get into the interesting part fo the poem it had ended which was quite disappointing. I honestly do think you could have taken this further but if you like it this length and your are happy with it then i see no reason for you to change it as it is your poem, that is just my opinion.

Overall this was an excellent poem that was interesting to the reader and it holds amazing potential. I would really love to see you follow some of my advice, should you chose to take it and I would love it if you PMed me the final product. Also if you want any more reviews then feel free to PM me and it would be my pleasure, I am really sorry if the review I wrote sounded a little harsh, that was never my intention and this is without doubt and incredible poem.

From DreamingForever