The Countdown

(This was for a contest on a different site. It had to be 100 words or less and contain personification. The contest is now over but I thought I'd put this up here. Tell me what you think. Remember, it's flash fiction, and not supposed to be novel length. Thanks, Brie ♥)

The Countdown

Five. Cold metal bit into his temple and he shivered. This idea he had, it was different in his mind.

Four. He fingered the trigger hesitantly. In his mind he heard a voice. “A disappointment,” the voice said. “Nobody will miss you.”

Three. He gritted his teeth, finger heavy, a weight of doubt. Tears dripped.

Two. Another voice. A voice once cherished. “You’ll regret it,” it said. “This isn’t what you want, Sean.” His eyes narrowed.

One. “You don’t know what I want.” His finger twitched: too hard.

That night, the wind sang the saddest song; the countdown ended.

Zero.

Wow. This is sooo sad. A little too sad for my taste. But some people like that. It's very dramatic.

Hey there!

I don't know how you got on in the contest, but I certainly liked this. The ending was so sad. I guessed that he was almost going to listen to the doubts he had and change his mind about killing himself, but then you had him pull the trigger by accident. I think that's the part that made the story different from others like it. Having the doubt almost be listened to made it less 'Woe is me' and more original.

I know you had a word count to stick to, but if you were thinking of expanding on this, I would like to see more of the thoughts that are going through his head and the real reason why he's thinking of killing himself in the first place.

I don't know how close you are to the word count, but I think this sentence -

He gritted his teeth, finger heavy, a weight of doubt.

- could do with rewording. The 'heavy finger' part is a little odd. Did you mean that his finger was leaning heavy on the trigger? If so, maybe state that fact a little more obviously. At the moment, I like the 'a weight of doubt' part, but the 'heavy finger' bit lets it down a tad. If you're too close to the word count though, the sentence will suffice.

I enjoyed reading this. It was short, being flash fiction, but the suspence was well built for a piece with a short word limit.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

It does help Thanks! And it's 100 on the dot actually...I'll look into it

Thanks for the reviews
-Brie

Love this! Very interesting!

Hello there

I've got to say, in 100 words, this made an impact.
I've been there, done that, and this made me think of that one time. When you do start the countdown in your head.
I'm just glad I stopped.

I do think that you did a great job with adding in some of his thoughts there, when he started his countdown, But you should probably put them in italics, instead of putting them in quotation marks.
Thats pretty much it.
Great job!
--Ash

I'm glad you stopped too! And sorry for reminding you..

Thanks for the review!
-Brie

This was absolutely fantastic, Brie. I can honestly say this is my favourite from you, perhaps because I can personally relate to this piece, and it really made an impact on me in such a short space.
I love the concept of the backwards countdown. It's used a lot in various ways, but you made it your own and did so very well.

Okay. Because I like this colour, it will by my grammar colour.
Other comments are in blue.

Five. Cold metal bit into his temple and he shivered. This idea he had, it was different in his mind.I know you couldn't do this with the word limit, but maybe you could elaborate the second phrase a little, just by rewording it. Now, I'm not entirely sure what you mean. Is it that he had imagined the act to be more glamorous? Maybe he hadn't expected to be so nervous.

Four. He fingered the trigger hesitantly. In his mind he heard a voice. A disappointment,If the voice is in his head, I would italicize it. the voice said. Nobody will miss you.

Three. He gritted his teeth, finger heavy, a weight of doubt.This sentence is a little awkward. Tears dripped.

Two. Another voice.Personally, I would make this one sentence. So comma instead of period and lower case "a." A voice once cherished. You’ll regret it, it said. This isn’t what you want, Sean.I love this name, by the way. His eyes narrowed.

One. “You don’t know what I want.” His finger twitched- too hard.

That night, the wind sang the saddest song; the countdown had ended.

Zero.

I love, love, loved this! As has been said, I was really rooting for the second voice, and I thought it might win. I'm guessing the actual pulling of the trigger was an accident, based on "...His finger twitched - too hard." But in context, he may have done it on purpose. I appreciate the mystery. I'm so tittering with how much I enjoyed it, I didn't even take the time to put smilies in this review, it seems. Better late than never, I suppose.
Wonderful!
-Sea-