The Avenue Sisters- Prologue

this is how the sisters parents meet and there are some key characters mentioned here that will appear later on in the novel.please i don't mind hardcore nit picking reviewers because i want the finished product to be a work of art you can put on display in the Hall Of Fame even if it's just my mum's version (in the sitting room book shelf with the rest of my very very earlier works of art) of the hall of fame.
ps:this is the first novel that i'm writing that is on publc display so please bear with me and my mistakes.

Prologue

LA

“These are my daughters Violetta and Julia, did you know that Violetta has just entered a modeling school and already her agent has brought her so many offers it’s kind of a family joke now and not to mention she’s now the fiancé of Dante J Emerson. She’s really done well for herself if I should say so my self”, all the while Julia watched her thin tall beautiful blue eyed mother brag on and on about her older sister. Putting her arm over her younger sibling Violetta silently comforted her sister, “only once Vee she mentioned me only once sometimes I wish she wouldn’t mention me at all”, “you know you don’t wish that and mum is mum you can’t change who she is, you can only do your own thing and hope for the best, also one nice tequila shot wouldn’t hurt” turning to Vee she smiled “you always know the right things to say”, ‘don’t I always’, walking arm in arm the sisters walked towards the bar.

NYC

“Sorry dad but I’m not taking over the firm…… I want to do my own thing and I know Dani’s been a little reckless lately but she’s got the fire of conviction for what’s right kinda like you dad, you don’t have to forgive me, just give her a chance. Good bye……”, saying his piece, Bradley left through the front door of his childhood home without a second glance, leaving his old man speechless but with a slow but growing resentment for his golden boy son.
“Wait, Brad wait up!” slowing down Brad turned to face his hazel eyed little sister.
“Why did you do that of all people, Brad you should know better, he trusted you and your expecting him to just hand over his life’s work to his daughter who is obviously female, I quote “who’s rightful place is in the home with the kids not in the man’s world of higher authority” unquote famous words of our dear father”, she said looking at him like he had lost his mind.
“No Dani you have to earn it show him what you’re capable of , I’ve opened the door for you it’s your decision whether you want to go through or not, so please don’t screw this up little sis”, smiling reassuringly he gave her a tight bear hug and went on his way though he didn't regret leaving his dad he knew Dani would never be far from his mind , that was the last time he saw his sister.

Three Years Later
Washigton D.C

“Julia look to your right there is a smoking guy talking with Kane Johnson and his boys”.
Rolling her eyes as she and her sister walked to the university on -campus library Julia said “Vee your not only a married woman but you’re a mother I don’t think you have the time to flirt”.
“Well his coming this way little sister”.
Julia faces his direction as he walks directly towards her and then makes a sharp turn towards her sister only 5 steps away from them, “you have got to be joking” she said mockingly, she had always been in Vee’s shadow but at times like these she was glad she was.
“Hello” he says with a voice that gave you the impression he had a huge ego,
‘My name’s Jerry, yours is Violetta, am I right?’
‘That depends, why do you want to know’
‘You’re going to let me buy you a drink at 8 tonight in Bliss to answer your question’.
‘You see uh, Jerry right, I’m very much taken but Julia is free for tonight’.
They both looked at Julia, ‘that’s fine with me I guess’, she said reluctantly
’ ok, sure’, he says hastily as he walked away.
Julia glares at her sister ‘what did I do wrong?’Vee asks innocently,
“Oh you just set me up with a guy who obviously came over here for you and has an ego that matches our mother’s”
“Just relax, stop making excuses and have some fun!”
At 9 o’clock that night Brad enters Bliss the newest nightclub on the scene, if it weren’t for the VIP pass Jerry his flatmate gave him he wouldn’t have been able to even see the back entrance to the club let alone the front, now all he had to do was find a girl by the name Julia Monroe and tell her the dates been cancelled by making an excuse. All he knew about her was that she was a spoilt rich girl from LA and that if he asked the bartender about her he would be lead in the right direction, all this information was given to him by Jerry. Meanwhile Julia had two Bloody Marys and one tequila shot at exactly quarter past 8 and lost count by twenty past 9 .When Brad found her she was getting ready to leave, ‘excuse me a you Julia Monroe’ ‘yes I am and I bet you the guy that gives me a lame excuse of why my date stood me up’ slurring her words ‘but I already know why, so don’t bother’ pushing Brad aside she walked unevenly to the exit with her bag in hand ,Brad would have let her go if she hadn’t dropped on all fours all of sudden.
Reaching down to pick her up he was immediately pulled down,
‘Please I lost my phone, it has everything in it, help me find it!’ she asked Julia had sobered immediately when her phone fell, seeing that it was important to her Brad started searching. Finally an hour later Julia stood up with her phone safely in her handbag, now very much somber she really saw Brad with his longish coal black wavy hair, hazel eyes, full lips and as he stood up his toned physique and towering height, catching her staring at him like he was edible or something along that line forced him to suppress a smile and instead formally introduce himself .
‘The name’s Brad and I don’t believe we have formally met’ extending his hand in a gesture to shake hands, while now fully taking notice of Julia’s petite yet curvy figure, waist length hair that framed her face like golden bouncy springs, lips that he imagined were soft and gentle when he finally looked into her deep brown eyes ,they both knew as their hands absentmindedly entangled each other that this would not be the last time but first of many meetings.

Hello. My name is Amelia - you can call me what you like, though: I get A, Am or Alia - take your pick! I'll be revieiwing your work today!

If I must be brutally honest with you, this story is a little weak. I think one of the hardest things an author can master is the ability to make their stories realistic, and, unfortunately, your skills need polishing up. But, don't worry, that'll come with time. All your new YWS buddies ( including me XD) are super happy to help you out in any way possible so that you can learn to write to the best of your ability.

Right, back to the prologue: I think it has potential. Your grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure needs A LOT of work. Think about this: if you were to compare the presentation of this piece with that of a published book, then the flaws would jump out. Not that I'm saying you have polish this to perfection. But your work will seem more professional and effortless if you more or less stick to the format of a published book or short story. It's easy to think that it doesn't matter how you present your work on the page, but really, it can have a big impact on your reader. I'll show you what I mean by all those ramblings ^^^ with my nitpick:

islandsongbird wrote:LA

“These are my daughters Violetta and Julia, did you know that Violetta has just entered a modeling school and already her agent has brought her so many offers it’s kind of a family joke now and not to mention she’s now the fiancé of Dante J Emerson. She’s really done well for herself if I should say so my self”, all the while Julia watched her thin tall beautiful blue eyed mother brag on and on about her older sister. Putting her arm over her younger sibling Violetta silently comforted her sister, “only once Vee she mentioned me only once sometimes I wish she wouldn’t mention me at all”, “you know you don’t wish that and mum is mum you can’t change who she is, you can only do your own thing and hope for the best, also one nice tequila shot wouldn’t hurt” turning to Vee she smiled “you always know the right things to say”, ‘don’t I always’, walking arm in arm the sisters walked towards the bar.

This is how it should be written:

islandsongbird wrote:LA

“These are my daughters: Violetta and Julia. Did you know that Violetta has just entered a modeling school? Already, her agent has brought her so many offers. It’s kind of a family joke! And, not to mention she’s now the fiancé of Dante J Emerson. She’s really done well, if I should say so myself.”

All the while, Julia watched her thin, tall, beautiful blue-eyed mother brag on and on about her older sister. Putting her arm over her younger sibling, Violetta silently comforted her.

“Only once, Vee, she mentioned me. Only once. Sometimes I wish she wouldn’t mention me at all." I don't want to intentionally add anything to the story as it would be from my mouth, not yours. However, I would advise you indicate who is talking. It took me ages to figure out that Violetta and Julia's mum had stopped talking and the second part of speech belonged to Julia.

“You know you don’t wish that. Mum is mum: you can’t change who she is, you can only do your own thing and hope for the best. Cheer up! One nice tequila shot wouldn’t hurt, right?”

Turning to Vee, Julia smiled, and said: “you always know the right things to say!"

"Don’t I always?"

Walking arm in arm, the sisters walked towards the bar. Don't use walking/walked in the same sentence. Try 'strode' or 'sauntered'. It's important for your writing to be interesting, so you may want to go through your piece and change a few bland, repetitive words or phrases for some exciting new synonyms.

I've given you a head-start: the rest is now up to you. Following the 'template' I've set out for the first part of your prologue, I think you need to sit down and re-read your piece and make the necessary adjustments. Sorry If this review is a little harsh: I aim to help rather than put you down! Perservere - You'll get there eventually. If you need anymore help, or you want me to continue altering the layout of the rest of the piece, just PM me or leave a comment on my wall.
Thanks for the read, hope to hear from you soon.

Your friend,
Alia

And I've been beat to reviewing. I do agree with Amelia up there that this work had A LOT of grammatical errors that would drive any aspiring editor such as myself absolutely bonkers.
When starting a new quote for a different person in a dialogue, you MUST start a new line. In not doing this you confuse your readers, and, if you're reading it over again, yourself.
When speaking to a person, you indicate that you're speaking to them by putting commas to separate their names. COMMAS SAVE LIVES. Such as the ole "Let's eat Grandpa!" and "Let's eat, Grandpa!" example.
I'm going to comb through this and point out the general errors, just Amelia did before me.

“Sorry dad but I’m not taking over the firm…… I want to do my own thing and I know Dani’s been a little reckless lately but she’s got the fire of conviction for what’s right kinda like you dad, you don’t have to forgive me, just give her a chance. Good bye……”, saying his piece, Bradley left through the front door of his childhood home without a second glance, leaving his old man speechless but with a slow but growing resentment for his golden boy son.
“Wait, Brad wait up!” slowing down Brad turned to face his hazel eyed little sister.
“Why did you do that of all people, Brad you should know better, he trusted you and your expecting him to just hand over his life’s work to his daughter who is obviously female, I quote “who’s rightful place is in the home with the kids not in the man’s world of higher authority” unquote famous words of our dear father”, she said looking at him like he had lost his mind.
“No Dani you have to earn it show him what you’re capable of , I’ve opened the door for you it’s your decision whether you want to go through or not, so please don’t screw this up little sis”, smiling reassuringly he gave her a tight bear hug and went on his way though he didn't regret leaving his dad he knew Dani would never be far from his mind , that was the last time he saw his sister.

“Sorry, Dad, but I’m not taking over the firm... There only need to be three periods for a long pause. I want to do my own thing, and I know Dani’s been a little reckless lately... But she’s got the fire of conviction for what’s right. Kinda like you dad! You don’t have to forgive me; just give her a chance. This sentence seemed kind of weird to me but I'm not going to rewrite it. Good bye..." Saying his piece, Bradley left through the front door of his childhood home without a second glance, leaving his old man speechless, but with a slow and growing resentment for his golden boy son. That second "but" wasn't necessary or sensible.
“Wait, Brad, wait up!” Slowing down, Brad turned to face his hazel-eyed little sister. Hyphenate compound words acting as adjectives.
“Why did you do that of all people, Brad? You should know better! He trusted you, and your expecting him to just hand over his life’s work to his daughter, who is obviously female, and I quote 'who’s rightful place is in the home with the kids not in the man’s world of higher authority' unquote. When you are putting a quote within quotation marks, put single quotes instead of double. Famous words of our dear father”, she said looking at him like he had lost his mind.
“No, Dani, you have to earn it show him what you’re capable of. I’ve opened the door for you. It’s your decision whether you want to go through or not, so please don’t screw this up, little sis.” Smiling reassuringly he gave her a tight bear hug and went on his way, though he didn't regret leaving his dad. He knew Dani would never be far from his mind, and that was the last time he saw his sister.

And now I'm finished. No more run-on sentences, sweetie. PLEASE. Periods are there for a reason. And commas. That's all for today. I hope I was helpful.
*CMA