The Rose

The Rose

Deep scarlet red
With petals of velvet
Delicate and soft
Yet colored like blood

Blossoming beauty
With a dangerous streak
Entrancing from
A mere glance

Beware of its thorns
Grip too tightly, they’ll bite
Pierce through the skin
They used to caress

A drip of blood
From the prick of the palm
Colored as the blossom’s
Soft petals

It sings like a hymn
Growls like a beast
Warm as the sun
Dark as the night

A mesmerizing gaze
A clandestine strike
Is the mysterious lure
Of a rose

[Yeah, so this is my first poem posted on here. I wrote it the other day in my theology class, eh heh. Anyway, criticism is welcomed just as much as compliments. Thanks!]


-Sam

Hmm, bit of a cliche but I like the idea.
My favourtie stanza:

Sammi D wrote:A mesmerizing gaze
A clandestine strike
Is the mysterious lure
Of a rose

A clandestine strike sounds best. This verse seems to give the poem a little more symbolism, if you know what I mean.

I have a bit of a problem with the "Yet colored like blood" in the first verse - sounds weak and unfitting.
Yet the shade of blood, perhaps?

Welcome to YWS by the way.

yay im the frist one to rply on your first peice here i go in was nice i liked it but keep writting

I guess during the time of my posting this i got beat to first place so go figure hahah

Sammi D wrote:Deep scarlet red
With petals of velvet
Delicate and soft
Yet colored like blood

This stanza was a little awkward for me. Disorganized, maybe. I believe it's the description of the rose's color twice that throws me off a bit.

---

This was my favorite:

Sammi D wrote:Blossoming beauty
With a dangerous streak
Entrancing from
A mere glance

I enjoyed the fifth stanza (it sings like a hymn, etc.) also. The use of metaphorical language makes for a very enticing piece.

As I think it's been said, it is a bit cliche. But I love the overall idea.

Very, very nice.

Keep posting!

Poetriez wrote:I guess during the time of my posting this i got beat to first place so go figure hahah

Seems so...

Heh yes, I do believe it is a bit cliche. But trust me, it was a lot more appealing to me than theology notes! ^_^;


Sophie -- You're right, "shade of blood" does seem to fit more fluidly in there. The "clandestine strike" is meant to add to the depth as you said though, being as the rose and its description does symbolize love itself.

Poetriez -- Yeah, you did seem to get beat, but that's okay, I'm glad you liked it anyway.

k3pt -- I see what you mean about the disorganization of the first stanza; it may also be that I didn't make it clear that all the descriptions are referring to the petals of the rose. I suppose I'll need to restructure that part most of all.


Thank you for your compliments and criticisms everyone. More are still welcomed, but I'm glad that it's generally liked so far!

Cliche because I wrote a poem with all the same-ish lines...
What is with everybody and these 4 line stanzas???
IT'S SO .... Gah.....

.... Gah......

Gah is right. I need to start thinking more out of the box. ](*,)

Well sorry that this is similar to your poem; it was not intended at all, really! And I'll try working on more non-four-line stanzas as well -- it's not a standard I limit myself to, but now I know to pay more attention to it. *nod*

Thank you for the review!

Deep scarlet red
With petals of velvet
Delicate and soft
Yet colored like blood

Yeah, I agree with a comment that "yet coloured like blood" should possible be different - "blood" in itself, though it can have violent connotations, doesn't seem a strong enough contrast to "delicate and soft" in this context. Possibly consider another word. "Deep" in the first line could be superfluous because scarlet is a deep red already: but you'll lose the flow if you lose a syllable. Maybe think about another adjective.

Blossoming beauty
With a dangerous streak
Entrancing from
A mere glance

The last two lines of this stanza are asking for more syllables: with 5 and then 6 in the first two, you drop to 4 and 3. This makes it hard to read. Consider inserting some extra words/syllables to aid the flow.

Beware of its thorns
Grip too tightly, they’ll bite
Pierce through the skin
They used to caress

Uh, cliche. I know you said it was preferrable to theology notes (what isn't?) but still. The old "the-rose-looks-nice-but-has-thorns" is really, really overdone. I was sorta hoping for a different angle on it all (I've always thought the thorns are worth getting through to hold the beauty). The personification of the thorns in the second line of this stanza seems out of place in the poem, but keep it if you like it. Just making some comments.

A drip of blood
From the prick of the palm
Colored as the blossom’s
Soft petals

Rhythm is lost in this stanza too. The last line definitely needs more development.

It sings like a hymn
Growls like a beast
Warm as the sun
Dark as the night

My favourite stanza: very good Reads so easily (this is what you want to achieve in your other stanzas!) and just rolls off the tongue. The metaphorical language is great too, despite it being a bit cliche - but in this context it works.

A mesmerizing gaze
A clandestine strike
Is the mysterious lure
Of a rose

Uh ... for a last line of a poem "Of a rose" falls flat. I liked the rest of the stanza - the mesmerising/clandestine/mysterious long-syllabled word pattern was good, but then you murdered that in the last line. Consider inserting another longish word or adding an adjective, or completely changing it. I think this would strengthen the ending.

Otherwise, despite being totally and utterly done already and cliche, this was a good, solid poem. You've demonstrated you know how to work with words and write poetry - I'm just concerned about your rhythm.

Thank you -- though cliche, I'm glad it is a solid poem in a different sense.

And thanks for setting it up stanza by stanza, because it does help me get a better sense of what I should tweak and change. I especially agree with what you mentioned about the rhythm though, as well as the last line, so thanks for bringing it to my attention.

When I manage to rewrite it, I'll definitely work in what was said in this thread and edit my initial post.

I usually don't use that evil, overused word...but I have to. AH! Cliche. But, like always, I cover up for the poet. We can't help it - it's not like it's horrible corny. After all, cliche's are overused because, frankly, they're so damn good. So I think you have an fair-sized vocabulary and provide graceful images...so...good.

Yes, rather cliche, but there were a couple really lovely phrases and images. Maybe you could kind of filter out the unoriginal parts and work with the better bits?

Some of it seems a little awkward and run-on but I really do love the last stanza.

It sings like a hymn
Growls like a beast
Warm as the sun
Dark as the night

Just a suggestion; I think 'dark' should be 'cold' as it will contrast to warm like sings contrasts to growl.

I like the imagery although you should modify it so it reflects your own techniques as a poet as the poem is a bit cliche.

I say work on it a bit, and you shall have a terrific piece of poetry! =D>