Sin

I know, I'm a terrible person.

HECKNAW.

I'm taking an internship--Monday thru Wednesday, I'm at a house of prayer all day attending classes that are like church, only we hafta pay attention and have a bit of homework and stuff.

I really only pay attention to the teacher periodically. I alternate between doodling, flipping through my Bible, writing, and just zoning out. (Oh, and listening to the teacher. )

I'm actually gonna leave it at that. I know, horrible reviewing strategy. But with this sort of piece, you're going to get a lot of attention, so I'll just let others correct the little things. Unless you want me to give my opinion--then let me know, and I'll come back in a few days, see if you've revised it according to what others have said/if the things I saw have been fixed, and then comment.

Great job! God's really using you.

I really loved this! You're amazing at rhyming and creating a rhyming scheme that you can stick too. I see no problems with this at all! It's simply brilliant, and church is a great place to get inspiration. You're a really good writer, keep on doing what you're doing.

Let me start by saying this is my favorite poem I have read on this site. As a christian, I am so glad there are people like you, writing poetry like this.
It's true and it's powerful. I don't have a single critisizing note. I love it. It flows perfectly. It's screaming truth all over it. And the fact that you got so inspired during church spreads the inspiration further.
Keep writing always-
~hopeispeace

Wow, and I mean truly wow. I could easily right click to synonyms for the word wow and have knockout or sensation take this three letter word’s place but I will not. In your case, there is no word to describe just how much I related, loved, and admired this piece of writing.

He offers over the din?

If I was going to comment on anything in a reviewers mentality it would be that I would have liked to hear more from this line. I think for the closing part of this poem it was so powerful that this line, for me, may not have enough true and raw detail to help make the end even better than it already is...but thats just coming from me! Feel free to not listen or change a thing.

I also want to point out that I am the second Tori to comment on this piece
Keep on writing—
SnowBerry

This is a very good poem and I enjoyed reading it. In my opinion, it is flawless. I am surprised that you are willing to talk about sin so openly without blaming anyone, which is rather good in my opinion. There really isn't anything for me to say, but I did enjoy it.

-Nana

I must say..the topic is what really caught my attention. The steady bounce of rhymes enticed me as well. I thought what you put into the poem was meaningful--there were no unnecessary bits. The meter was constant, which is sometimes hard to do. I didn't feel any breaks in it while reading. Overall good job. No spelling or grammatical errors, very nice. Your style of poetry really kept me going, and not just because I share some of your same beliefs. Great poem. I look forward to other poetry by you.

Wow, that was really good! I'm religious, and I think that you got the concept right on! I was not expecting you to turn it to Christ in the end, although, I probably should have . Good job!!!

Your sense of rhythm is remarkable and the poem really struck me. It is a long poem, but enjoyable to read. For the people who have felt the pain of sins and the heavy burden that they are will be touched deeply by this poem.

Then comes the faultless one,
His countenance like the sun's warm glow.
He is willing to pay the price
For the fields of weeds you sow.

Will you accept the outstretched hand
He offers over the din?
Or will you reject the gift He gives
For the sinking sands of sin?

These two stanzas were great! This whole poem was, it's a great way to conclude a poem. Asking a question about something so true and serious. I loved this piece of art, great work!

Great poem, I really enjoyed it. Even though I'm not religious, I like the ethereal quality to this poem. You illustrate "Good" and "Bad" quite well here, and how our lusts of life obsess us (which I think is a good think, but that's just my opinion). Nicely done. Keep on going!

I have reservations as to this work. It's original, and you are one of the only people I've ever met that can keep a consistent rhyme scheme, but it's repetitive and you don't expand on it as much as I'd like you to. Sin gives you the opportunity to work with the 7 deadly sins or make biblical or historical references to great sinners. It would have coloured the poem and made it feel more intricate and reflective of actual reality.
All in all, not a bad poem by any standards, but it has a lot of room for improvement.