Serving For You

Imagine how many people have died over the years

People who have served for our country and our rights

What if that was you?

You only have one chance at life

Live it to the fullest

Imagine standing there risking your life at a war site...

People die everyday risking their lives for our Freedom

Be lucky to be alive

Cause many didn't live their life fully.

Didn't get to experience everything they wanted to do...

Stop thinking it's all about you..

Because in reality look what is happening.

People care for one another and risk everything they have just for YOU

Just remember the live that have been taken and all the families that lost the ones they love..

You have a very powerful message in this piece, which I admire. I feel like you could rearrange some of these lines to create a more powerful poetic piece. Maybe describe a dire situation that selfish people do not understand? Compare and contrast the two lives, how selfish people are in comparison to the soldiers who are fighting for their lives, fighting for freedom. Which brings me to another point. Why are they fighting for us? Is it out of pure selflessness? Or out of passion for their country?

Above all you have a very good start, just play around with the piece and just go for it, don't leave anything behind.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
<3 Sara.

Helloo! =)
I want to start off with saying that this is a strong piece and It has a good message behind it. We should never take life for granted nor the people that died for us.
Just a few little things:

Imagine how many people have died over the years,

People who have served for our country and our rights.

What if that was you?

You only have one chance at life,

Live it to the fullest.

Imagine standing there risking your life at a war site... I think it would be better if you just put a period at the end of this sentence. It would be easier to read that way.
People die everyday risking their lives for our Freedom.

Be lucky to be alive, Maybe change 'be' into 'You are'? I think that would sound better

Cause many didn't live their life fully.

Didn't get to experience everything they wanted to do...

Stop thinking it's all about you...

Because in reality look what is happening,

People care for one another and risk everything they have just for YOU.

Just remember the lives that have been taken and all the families that lost the ones they love..

But other than that I really liked this write and enjoyed reading it. Hopefully this helped a little
-qaralynn-

I think this is an excellent start. You clearly have a solid theme and message that you want to communicate, and the theme by itself is powerful. You have a couple grammatical errors (e.g. the line that starts with "Cause" for example--you should either change that word to "Because" or put an apostrophe in front of it to show that you're shortening it--"Cause" does not mean "Because" without that apostrophe).

I think that you could make this stronger by reworking a lot of it though. The phrase "Show don't tell" has become so common it's somewhat cliched and it can be hard to understand what people mean by that (this is something I'm far from perfect on, and my fiction is particularly bad in this regard), but I think that you'd benefit from showing more and telling less. This is particularly true because this is really a message poem. We want to hear about the soldier who was riddled by bullets so that we can remain free. Paint a picture of the sacrifice, don't just talk about it, or you risk sounding a little preachy.

That said, I really enjoyed reading it and I hope to hear more from you! Keep writing!