Shimmer

Really I'm just a ghost, cast in chains, in the rain.
Not happy anymore, don't want anything, go away.

Wish I could change it all, bend time and breathe forever.
sometimes I hate it all, drop it all and hit the walls.

Broke the tome, need a remedy, lost my faith, its gone away.
Raise my head, grin again, its not difficult to pretend.

Pictures fade and my hands shake as I try to recall.
All the things that we've done, fuck it all, was for nothing.

Shimmer, shine, my baby shimmer,
shine like you used to do.

Burn the clouds and gimmie the sun,
Just like you used to.

Hi there,

This is very beautiful. The title captivated me immediately! I have a few corrections:

Not happy anymore, dont want anything, go way.

Don't should be apostrophized (just made that word up). Also, do you mean to say "go away"?

Your second stanza is beautiful, so is your third. Well, I don't think that curse words are necessary but that's your call (and you did rate it so I guess that's my problem). The end is very touching. "Gimmie" should probably be "gimme". But otherwise it is correct. I like how you ended it.

This is nice, good work!
sare

This is very interesting! I really enjoyed the ending that pulled in with the title and kind of brought together the whole piece. The only small things I have to point out is to capitalize "sometimes" in the beginning of your second verse, and when you said "gimmie" it's not really a word...but I understand your point;)

Keep writing!
<3 Sara.

Hey there! This is an amazing piece. My favorite part was

Really I'm just a ghost, cast in chains, in the rain

That was a great first line- it really drew me in and made me wonder what it was going to be about. Awesome job.
-Hope

OK, first I have to say you've got a really unique poem here. I'd made me sad and confused. The rhyme and rhythme was really good, but, sorry to say, now I'm going to have to do the nit-picky thing. So, here goes. Sorry if I got the line breaks wrong.

Really I'm just a ghost,
cast in chains,
in the rain. Nice start.
Not happy anymore,
dont want anything,
go way.
Wish I could change it all,
bend time and breathe forever why do you want to live forever if you aren't happy anymore???.
sometimes I hate it all,
drop it all and hit the walls.
Broke the tome, need a remedy,
lost my faith, its gone away.
Raise my head, grin again,
its not difficult to pretend. Why do you need to pretend?
Pictures fade and my hands shake
as I try to recall.
All the things that we've done, it all I don't see a need to swear here. It's distracting and makes you seem angry instead of sad.,
was for nothing.
Shimmer, shine, my baby shimmer,
shine like you used to do. Good job not explaining the source of sadness until the very end. It kept us wondering. And, you said why in a very poetic way.
Burn the clouds .nice imagery and gimmie Don't think this is spelled right. the sun,
Just like you used to nice end. Put a period there..

OK, so I like this poem, but maybe it's just not my style. So, you can ignore the red comments if you want. You probably know better than me in this genre. So, hope this was helpful. Bye.
-Cammie

sarebear wrote:Hi there,

This is very beautiful. The title captivated me immediately! I have a few corrections:

Not happy anymore, dont want anything, go way.

Don't should be apostrophized (just made that word up). Also, do you mean to say "go away"?

Your second stanza is beautiful, so is your third. Well, I don't think that curse words are necessary but that's your call (and you did rate it so I guess that's my problem). The end is very touching. "Gimmie" should probably be "gimme". But otherwise it is correct. I like how you ended it.

This is nice, good work!
sare

Thankyou for your comments. The poem is fixed

Confused.pirate wrote:This is very interesting! I really enjoyed the ending that pulled in with the title and kind of brought together the whole piece. The only small things I have to point out is to capitalize "sometimes" in the beginning of your second verse, and when you said "gimmie" it's not really a word...but I understand your point;)

Keep writing!
<3 Sara.

Hi sara Cheers for the comment. I know that gimmie is not a word with a dictionary definition, but I don't see why that should hold anyone back from using it in a poem like this. There was a time when our language was only just being built and nothing was established...who is to decide what can and can't be used. Its OUR language haha (not getting at you ).

geekchic wrote:Hey there! This is an amazing piece. My favorite part was

Really I'm just a ghost, cast in chains, in the rain

That was a great first line- it really drew me in and made me wonder what it was going to be about. Awesome job.
-Hope

Thankyou glad you liked it.

cammie wrote:OK, first I have to say you've got a really unique poem here. I'd made me sad and confused. The rhyme and rhythme was really good, but, sorry to say, now I'm going to have to do the nit-picky thing. So, here goes. Sorry if I got the line breaks wrong.

Really I'm just a ghost,
cast in chains,
in the rain. Nice start.
Not happy anymore,
dont want anything,
go way.
Wish I could change it all,
bend time and breathe forever why do you want to live forever if you aren't happy anymore???.
sometimes I hate it all,
drop it all and hit the walls.
Broke the tome, need a remedy,
lost my faith, its gone away.
Raise my head, grin again,
its not difficult to pretend. Why do you need to pretend?
Pictures fade and my hands shake
as I try to recall.
All the things that we've done, it all I don't see a need to swear here. It's distracting and makes you seem angry instead of sad.,
was for nothing.
Shimmer, shine, my baby shimmer,
shine like you used to do. Good job not explaining the source of sadness until the very end. It kept us wondering. And, you said why in a very poetic way.
Burn the clouds .nice imagery and gimmie Don't think this is spelled right. the sun,
Just like you used to nice end. Put a period there..

OK, so I like this poem, but maybe it's just not my style. So, you can ignore the red comments if you want. You probably know better than me in this genre. So, hope this was helpful. Bye.
-Cammie

I will answer your questions in the sequence that they were asked -

1) The one who we are imagining is speaking this poem wants to be happy
again. So he want's to live forever with that happiness. I'd also like to point out that not everyone associates their concerns for their own mortality with their current emotional reaction to a given situation. Some people, happy or sad, simply don't want to die

2) Simple. Many people hide their grief, pain and sadness as a defence mechanism or to convince themselves that they are happier than they are.

3) How do you know the character in this poem is not angry? Oh...because he is swearing. lol

I appreciate the time you took to comment and I hope I cleared things up for you.

Hello, this is an interesting poem and I enjoyed reading it.

I really like the first two stanzas:

Really I'm just a ghost, cast in chains, in the rain.
Not happy anymore, don't want anything, go away.

Wish I could change it all, bend time and breathe forever.
sometimes I hate it all, drop it all and hit the walls.

Overall I do not have much to say as I don't have anything negative to add. The poem is unique in its own way and the flow is good. Nice work