The Lingering Lament

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Glittering like a sapphire in the lap of rolling green,
A glass projection of the moonlight sky, a silver sheen,
Rippling blues and platinums; shimmering pearl ribbons,
Gleaming like sharp, pointed, deadly, fierce hibbens,
Although a form of gorgeous, uncontrollable beauty,
A manifestation of maleficent, inevitable duty,
To erode, destroy and create new life in one,
Foul swoop of a deadly tongue of silver fun,
The ocean, one of the most powerful elements,
Full of a soulful canopy of powerful laments.
Last edited by PrincessOfDarkness on Thu Jun 30, 2011 8:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Awesome! Wow, this is going to be among the top winners I can already tell!
"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to persue them" -Walt Disney
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Hey, I really liked this and you have obvious talent for imagery. One thing I would change:
Rippling blues and silvers, like shimmering pearl ribbons

I'd take out 'like' just to make it fit better with the rhythm.
Great job!
Keep writing,
Megan
~Una palabra no dice nada y al mismo tiempo lo esconde todo~ Carlos Varela




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Hello there =] This was really lovely. The only thing I would change is the formatting. The lines are a bit too long, so maybe shorten them up a bit.
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)




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Here to review, as promised! You used good imagery in this poem. Okay, here I go- my comments will be blue.
Glittering like a sapphire in the lap of rolling green,Good simile
A glass projection of the moonlight sky, a silver sheen,I liked this
Rippling blues and platinums; shimmering pearl ribbons,Nice
Gleaming like sharp, pointed, deadly, fierce hibbens,I don't know what hibbens is; clarify that better. If it is a brand of knives (as someone else offered), say knives instead so people will understand. The rhyme isn't as important as actually making sense.
Although a form of gorgeous, uncontrollable beauty,
A manifestation of maleficent, inevitable duty,Good rhyme! I wouldn't have thought of that one.
To erode, destroy and create new life in one,(no comma)
Foul swoop of a deadly tongue of silver fun,"deadly tongue of silver fun" Am I missing something here? It seems contradictory... are you trying to juxtapose? Maybe I'm not reading it right...?
The ocean, one of the most powerful elements,That doesn't flow right to me. Try rewording it. :)
Full of a soulful canopy of powerful laments.


So all in all, I feel like this was more about the imagery than the message, because I think many readers wouldn't understand some of it. It wasn't bad, though, most of your word choices were great and you used good words for your rhymes, without making them feel forced. So, while this might not be perfect for everyone, it was good work. Never stop writing!
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Thanks for the reviews Guys! :) Love you all. xD
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