In my Box

In my box I have:
A mini chest carved and painted by the Jamaican waters.
A necklace intricate and chosen just for me.
A shiny pink piggy bank with diamond silver jewels.

In my box I have:
A bronze memory stick that holds my dreams.
A music book that has been played into the strings of a chestnut harp.
A notebook that shall be filled with creativity and words.

In my box I have:
An album that holds the key to my life.
A little pink book that shows personality.
A certificate which can help confirm my future job.

In my box I have:
A book called the Bible,
And means the world to me.

By Deanie

This is very interesting. It is different from other poetry I have read, but it says a lot. I really liked it! Capitalize the word Bible at the end, but other than that you're good to go. Great job!

So the layout of this was a little different looking at first I think. You underlined "In my box I have", which wasn't exactly necessary, but it doesn't so much take away from anything. One thing that seemed a little redundant was the way the first line read off like "In my box I have another box". Though the way you described it carved and painted by the Jamaican water sounded beautiful, but it still took from my attention the fact that the very first line was a box being inside of another box.

The next thing you say is:

A necklace filed and chosen just for me.

I guess I don't quite get the "filed" bit. Maybe you could have used another word? Like intricate.
>>Also:

A notebook that shall be filled with all creativity and colours.

The part where you're saying the notebook shall be filled with creativity makes sence, but then you add in the word colors, which just seems like an out of place word. Perhaps another word would fit more seemlessly here. I do like the part where you speak of an album holding the key to your heart. When I read that I think of this old picture album I have that has pictures old memories, and I can see how a metaphor like that would make sense.

The way you ended this was sweet I think. Because your whole poem sort of based on the idea of the speaker having everything that's dear to them in a single box. Which is a very humbling concept, so that fact that this ties in religiously in that way really works for your poem.

Overall, this was short and sweet. Which isn't always a bad thing, some poems are. But for this I think it works. Keep up the good work, but also keep in mind the suggestions I made.

-Smylin'

Aww, I loved this! I really liked the idea that you had everything dear to you in one box, then you ended with the Bible... As a fellow Christian, I was obviously somewhat touched by this poem. The way you set up this poem was interesting, and I liked the word choices. I truly found nothing wrong to critique with this, which is fairly rare- usually there are things I would have changed. Never, ever stop writing! Everyone like this; I think it should be featured.

Aww, I loved this! I really liked the idea that you had everything dear to you in one box, then you ended with the Bible... As a fellow Christian, I was obviously somewhat touched by this poem. The way you set up this poem was interesting, and I liked the word choices. I truly found nothing wrong to critique with this, which is fairly rare- usually there are things I would have changed. Never, ever stop writing! Everyone like this; I think it should be featured.

Heey deanie!
I'm going to keep this short because I should actually be making homework XD But I like this write! It's something different and that's good. I think it would look better though if you didn't underline the sentence:

In my box I have:

I love the ending of it =) Maybe form it like this though?

In my box I have:
A book called the bible,
and it means the world to me.

I think it would be easier to read this way, but maybe that's just me XD
Anyway, I like this!! And I enjoyed reading this =) Hope I helped a little.
-qaralynn-