" 'Woman' on the Balcony "

" 'Woman' on the Balcony "
-by theluckyflower
(this is in a male's perspective)

There she was on the balcony.
Her vivacious beauty - a felony:
With pearl-soft skin and angelic hair
And luscious lips and blue eyes fair.
To her I sang a fool's love song,
Fearing her voice ringing, "Leave; be gone!"
But there she stayed, listening 'til the end,
But a movement she made, and then - !!!
A bright light shone upon her; from there I ran.
The woman I love was indeed a man.

Please tell me what you think!

You already know what I think of it...

I think it's clever. I'm definitely not skilled enough in the poetry area to give you any useful advice, though. I personally didn't find anything wrong with it. I said it aloud to myself and found that some of the lines were a little hard to "flow," if you know what I mean, but that's probably just me.

Good job.

HAHA I BET THAT GUY FELT SO EMBARASSED! *laughs*

I liked it, actually, usually I think that rhyming poems are terrible but this... oh my goodness this was hilarious...
"Leave;be gone!"
could be just, "Leave! Be gone!" I'm not sure if the semi colon was meant to life *dies*.

Hilarious poem, I have to show the world!

With pearl-soft skin and angelic hair
And luscious lips and blue eyes fair.

too many "and"s.

Fearing her voice ringing, "Leave;be gone!"
But there she stayed, listening 'till the end,
But a movement she made, and then -!!!

eek! this rhyming sounds forced.

on a happier note - this made me laugh. very good twist at the end of what seemed to be a truthful poem.

WEE!! Good job. I suck at writing poems, so I can't really give you any advise and stuff. But it rocked my lame socks...

I sort of forgot to mention --
By the hair... wouldn't that guy have been able to tell he was in love with a "guy?" Or was it a long haired guy?

Still good, had to come back and read it.

As TBR said, the guy would prob have had to have long hair for this to work, but then if you watch Pride & Predujice, there are some guys in the movie with long hair. The worrying thing is though.. this guy is prob wearing a dress.. or at least, I think he'd have to be.. Is anyone else worried by that..?

Anyways, I'm liking this poem, even though there are one or two things you might want to have a look at, such as::

"Leave;be gone!"

^ Someone's already said this, but I reckon it'd be better with different punctuation. Maybe, "Leave! Be gone!"
or "Leave; be gone" <-- note space after semi-colon.

listening 'till the end,

^ Maybe I'm wrong, but I think you only need one 'L' in 'til. You might want to check that one though...

A bright light shone upon her; From there I ran.
The woman I love was indeed a man.

^ 'From' doesn't need a capital letter, and in the last sentence, I think it would be better would be past tense, e.g. 'loved' instead of 'love'.

Overall though, I think this is fairly well-written, and doesn't need too much improvement. Just bear in mind what other people have said, and keep on writing! Loving the topic choice lol.

~KayJuran~

Thanks for sending in your comments! I'm glad ya'll thought it was funny. I have to admit I read it myself and thought "Yikes! Too many 'ands'."
But just to clear things up on how the he/she thing could have worked -
what I was thinking about was all those years back when men had long hair (not the hippies) and women wore corsets. Kind of like in Pride and Prejudice (or that weirdo blondie from Shrek). And there are no cross-dressers in my poem. When I said "balcony," I was thinking of the kind way up on the second or third floor which had a "barrier" to hide half the body of the dude. That way there were no clue as to what he was wearing. And since it was dark, only the guy's outline could be seen, so obviously, there's no way to tell whether the guy had blue eyes or blond hair, unless the singing lover had already seen "her" before. So basically this entire poem is about a stupid loser going to the love-of-his-life's house, singing her a song, and realizing - OMG, I'm at the freaking wrong house!!! And to make it worse, it's a GUY!!! - yeah, I've got to work on making my poems a bit more clear.
And as for the grammatical errors, my apologies, and thank you telling me. My excuse was that I was suffering from sleep deprevation at the time I typed it in.