Aivila

I don't understand why
Why I'm deep in this mess. 
I thought I'd fix problems, 
I thought I could dress-
The wounds that the fighting
Has left in our soul, 
But I can't,
And you won't, let me regain control. 
I knew that you loved me, 
Once long, long ago. 
I know now you hate me,
But I want you to know,
No matter how often you burn me or bite me
To get back from your pain,
You purposely spite me-
I don't care that you will not forgive all my lies. 
I don't care if I'm never redeemed in your eyes. 
You once were my sister. 
You once were my friend. 
I thought we would battle the odds 'till the end. 
But after what happened,
The pain and the tears,
The scar in my heart,
Will not heal up for years. 
I know that the scar,
Is twice bad in your heart-
Perhaps that is why,
I have not stopped your start...
Now that you've left,
I miss you with with vengeance.
But maybe it's better
That our friendship ended.  


Dedicated to my best friend, Cass. I miss you. 

this is very very easy to relate to. the feeling of loosing something simple, but great. A true friend. I can feel the storm of feelings, emotion that blew over in your heart as you wrote this. I too have lost a friend that cannot be replaced or brought back last night. She'll never speak to me again, and I feel so much of what you say standing out as feelings many if not all people at one point can sympathize with. I hope you and your friend reconcile, I believe you care enough to make it happen.

Hello there

A good second offering, I think. An interesting topic. I think it's very easy to write with vitriol. Bitterness is a key flavour of any good poem. I particularly liked

The wounds that the fighting
Has left in our soul,

Interesting use of possessive case; you share one soul that you both wounded, rather than wounding each other's own soul. Very clever.

Alright, now to the nitty-gritty.

First, it's rather difficult to read. I found myself leaning forward and having to concentrate to keep my place. You have a simple four-line rhyme (a-b-c-b) sort of thing going, so I think you should break up the piece into four-line stanzas. I think it would make it much easier to read.

Second, the rhythm and phrasing is a bit haphazard. Some lines are very short, and some are very long. With a relatively simple, but strong, rhyming scheme it pays to keep all your lines of similar length. If you break the piece up into four-line stanzas, making lines 1 and 3 the same length, and lines 2 and 4 the same length makes it flow very nicely, especially if lines 1 and 3 are slightly longer than 2 and 4. For example, the first four lines would read:

I don't understand why
I'm deep in this mess.
I thought I'd fix problems,
I thought I could dress-

I've moved 'why' to the end of the first line. This gives lines 1 and 3 six syllables each, and lines 2 and 4 five syllables each, resulting in a fairly strong pulse.
Also, as I mentioned before, some lines are quite short, followed by a line that is quite long (or vice versa). For example,

But I can't,
And you won't, let me regain control.

A 3 syllable line followed by a 9 syllable line. Perhaps you could rewrite it thus:

"But I can't, and you won't
Let me regain control."

Two six syllable lines. Also, the comma after won't is unnecessary (hence I removed it).

No matter how often you burn me or bite me
To get back from your pain,
You purposely spite me-
I don't care that you will not forgive all my lies.
I don't care if I'm never redeemed in your eyes.
You once were my sister.
You once were my friend.
I thought we would battle the odds 'till the end.

The rhyme scheme and meter seems to go out the window here. The rhyme was was previously a-b-c-b, but in this section it is a-b-a-c-c-d-e-e. It then moves back to the original form. This section also has some much longer lines than the rest of the piece. I would break up the long lines like this:

"No matter how often
you burn me or bite me
To get back from your pain,
You purposely spite me-

I don't care that you won't
Forgive all my lies,
I don't care if I'm never
Redeemed in your eyes.

You once were my sister.
You once were my friend.
I thought we would battle
The odds 'till the end."

Can you see how this retains the original rhyme scheme, and flows much better? The two corrections are just to help the flow and rhythm a little.

Third, I was a little confused about the meaning of the following lines:

Perhaps that is why,
I have not stopped your start...

Am I missing something? I just can't work out what you're trying to communicate here.

Overall, a potentially good piece. The content is great; very honest, obviously personal, and thus very easily empathised with. I just think you need to clean up the form a little.

K

Will not heal up for years. That line is one of the only ones where I wanted to change something. I don't think the Up is necessary, it disrupts the flow a bit. Also, in one of the last lines And with with vengeance. You accidently repeated with, which happens to the best of us =]

Other than that, you have a really great piece, gorgeous flow, easy to understand, something that everyone feels once in a while. This is a really great piece =] well done!

Oh my God, I love the rhythm of your poem. It never misplaces a step, and every line contains important info. It reminded me in fact of the ancient ballads of Robin Hood, for some reason.
http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/sherwoodtimes/carol.htm

Rob roamed the glen with his merry men.
Giving substance to the poor.
Folk far and wide spoke his name with pride,
In the bygone days of yore.
In days of old when the knights were bold
Lived a man called Robin Hood.
Who robbed the rich to feed the poor
He was valiant, brave and good.

Compare to

I don't understand why
Why I'm deep in this mess.
I thought I'd fix problems,
I thought I could dress-
The wounds that the fighting
Has left in our soul,
But I can't,
And you won't, let me regain control.

Or compare to this: http://www.boldoutlaw.com/rhbal/bal123.html

The topic may be different, but the rhythm of your poem is classic Yomen Anglosax Bard stuff, haha.

Robin Hood shot passing well,

Till his arrows all were gone;

They took their swords and steel bucklers,

And fought with might and maine;


24 From ten oth' clock that day,

Till four ith' afternoon;

Then Robin Hood came to his knees,

Of the frier to beg a boon.


25 'A boon, a boon, thou curtal frier,

I beg it on my knee;

Give me leave to set my horn to my mouth,

And to blow blasts three.'


26 'That will I do,' said the curtal frier,

'Of thy blasts I have no doubt;

I hope thou 'lt blow so passing well

Till both thy eyes fall out.'


27 Robin Hood set his horn to his mouth,

He blew but blasts three;

Half a hundred yeomen, with bows bent,

Came raking over the lee.