Pinpoint

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The endless face of black
Sprinkled with white freckles
The canvas for the earth
Sphere of life in a silent galaxy
A massive perfectly-curved marble
Textures clash in harmony
Frothy azure water bubbles up
Between cracks in the radiant green
Splattered on the surface: North America
The chunk of land most special to me
Is in the left side, an awkward square
Someone once named it Colorado
A simple black dot lazily snoozes
On the spot that extraordinary can’t define
My city of Boulder
With purple mountains exhaling misty air
Among there silvery glitter-tipped peaks
And hikes at night under fiery orange skies
Then gliding through fluffy powder on skis
Farmer’s markets selling vibrant, fresh vegetables
Where you zoom around your bike to go places
Maybe you’ll find a tiny neighborhood
And a house with a cheerful puppy on the porch
If you went in you would find a freshly-painted room
The walls explode with bubblegum pink
And there is a polka-dot bed in the middle
Where I sit here smiling
And think of how lucky I truly am
To live on this wonderful planet

Wow. I completely love this. Each line creates a vibrant, vivid image in my mind. It was extremely well writ. I only have one tiny nit pick.

Splattered on the surface: North America

The word splattered just didn't seem to fit right here. I'm not sure what other word you could use, but splattered just didn't seem to fit well in the context. Otherwise, this was an amazing poem.

I love the vibrant words you used to really paint in my mind, but while I read this, I felt out of breath. There was no place to stop; to take in what you're actually saying. It felt like one LONG run-on sentence to me. That's basically my gripe on this, as the language you used is beautiful. I just think you need to maybe add some punctuation, and definitely divide this into stanzas.

Just wanted to let you know, I really liked this. The way you used such description, as the reader I was able to feel your energy and really be able to see what's going on in your mind. I liekd the bright, uplifting tone to it all.

The only grammar error I caught was...

Among there silvery glitter-tipped peaks

I think 'there' should be 'their', but I could be wrong.

Some of my favorite lines were...

Sphere of life in a silent galaxy

[qoute] With purple mountains exhaling misty air
Among there silvery glitter-tipped peaks [/quote]

The walls explode with bubblegum pink

I also liked the layout, how you started with the galaxy, then zoomed down to the earth, then North America, Colorado, then Boulder, and finally yourself.

I apoligize for not having any very helpful comments, I just thought I'd say that I enjoyed it! Thanks for sharing!

<..> Kat

Kat-
Don't say that wasn't helpful! THank you so much, and I'm sorry about the grammar error about the their or there thing. Thanks for catching that! (And by the way you are right about it. My English teacher would be furious! ) Also thanks for the detailed reveiw. Could you tell me why you liked those specific lines so I can improve? If not, that's ok. Maybe you don't even know why! But anyway it might be helpful if you could. Thanks again!
-Cammie

Replying to your request. Okay, so for the lines, mostly it's the feeling I get from them, and the way they're written is just so melodic and beautiful.

Sphere of life in a silent galaxy

I liked both the parts' sphere of life' and 'silent galaxy' seperate and together. The galaxy is just so vast, and silent isn't usually a word I associate with it, so it gave me something new to think on. Just so much silence, never-ending seems so lonely and empty. It gives the glaxy itself a sense of being. And with the 'sphere of life' added to it just seemed like a nice focus point, a little bubble of sunshine amid the darkness of the universe. So really, I just though it worked beautifully together, really painted a nice image.

With purple mountains exhaling misty air
Among there silvery glitter-tipped peaks

This one is also really beautiful. I can almost see the the scene, the cloud wisps and mist vapor surrounding a towering, craggy mountain. And the little ice sparkles dusting the snow covered tip. Also, I liked how you used 'exhaling' here, again it gave the mountain a sense of being, more than just a chunk of rock. Very nice description. I can almost feel the cold icy air and the serene peacefulness of it all.

The walls explode with bubblegum pink

More vivid description. The walls 'exploding', really gave some life to an otherwise plain, flat, and generally overlooked object. A wall. I thought you did a great job of giving it some character. The 'bubblegum pink' fits together with it nicely, adding a nice bright color and even going further and descriping it as 'bubblegum'. This also works well with the 'exploding'; I can just imagine the bubblegum bursts.

Okay. Well, I hope this is a little of what you were looking for. I'm not very good at description myself, so I really admire your talent. The way you made everything fit together so nicely was amazing! Great job!

<..> Kat

Hi There!
Well it was an amazing poem! The choice of words was good, and the description was highly vivid. There was a certain flow to the whole poem which I really liked. The starting, especially, was captivating. From the moment I read the first few lines I knew I was onto something classy. However, as I read on, I felt that the flow was somewhat disturbed in the second half - when you started describing your hometown. It was a sudden transition so its better to introduce it in a separate stanza. Infact the only thing i find missing in this poem is that it's not divided into stanzas. And as Kat already pointed out in the line -
" Among there silvery glitter-tipped peaks "

It should be 'their' not 'there'.
Apart from these minor problems, the poem was fantastic.

I like this poem. It is really well written with beautiful description. I love how you are describing where you live. First you zoom right out, so you are looking at the earth in space, and then I can just imagine slowly zooming in to your room, seeing you writing on your bed, with those bubblegum pink walls. Great job!

Deanie x

The endless face of black,
Sprinkled with white freckles.
The canvas for the earth,
Sphere of life in a silent galaxy,.

A massive perfectly-curved marble,
Textures clash in harmony.
Frothy azure water bubbles up,
Between cracks in the radiant green.

Splattered on the surface: North America.
The chunk of land most special to me,
Is in the left side, an awkward square.
Someone once named it Colorado.

A simple black dot lazily snoozes,
On the spot that extraordinary can't define. This line is amazing!
My city of Boulder,
With purple mountains exhaling misty air.
Among there silvery glitter-tipped peaks,

Hiking at night under fiery orange skies,
Then gliding through fluffy powder on skis.
Farmer's markets selling vibrant, fresh vegetables
Where you zoom around your bike to go places.

Maybe youll find a tiny neighborhood,
And a house with a cheerful puppy on the porch.
If you went in you would find a freshly-painted room,
The walls explode with bubblegum pink.

There's a polka-dot bed in the middle,
Where I sit here smiling. I'd scratch "here"
Thinking of how lucky I truly am,
To live on this wonderful planet.

I've marked my suggestions and edits in bold but other than the lack of punctuation and a few flaws this was truly, very amazing! It's very, very original and creative, I loved it.

I love the way you use colours to describe your settings! "Face of black" "White freckles" "Cracks in radiant green" "Purple mountains" "silver peaks" "orange skies" "bubblue-gum-pink walls" VERY CREATIVE AND VERY KOOL!

So, yeh, I LOVED IT

I want to give you twice as many icky, sticky spiders as possible for this! 10/5 - there you go!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

This was a really great poem. It gave me a vivd image of each point of refference to where you live. A really great poem, with the name fitting it most perfectly. However, I have to agree with Mellophone7 when he said that the word 'splattered' did not fit right. It seems a bit too long, perhaps. Maybe change the word? However, very nice poem.