Ambivalence

"I fear absolutely nothing but fears!"

That distance they talked about,
it felt so close that night.
I had feared my fears for so long,
but ambivalence conquered my heart.

I lost so much, yet I had nothing at all.
You were mine, but you were not.
Summarizing, I would say-
that I had my fears but I still loved.

Then you said three enduring words,
those I tried not to say back.
Because even when I felt what you had said,
my mind was drenched in unduly doubt

I'd rather spend my whole life trying to pretend,
even if it causes pain,
I'll try to convince myself that it's wiser to forget.
Try... three letters echoing in my head.
Try... doesn't know what commitment is for.
Try... a very disgraceful word.

You lost so much, yet you had nothing at all.
I was yours, but I was not.
Summarizing, I would say-
that we weren't together but we loved.

I still ask God every night-
what to do with my blemished heart;
Blemished with dubious fear,
blemished by the fear of doubt.

Hello, Sol! ^_^ First review! xD

Nitpicks:

I had feared my fears for so long,
but ambivalence conquered my heart.

- Nice lines. ^_^

I lost so much, yet I had nothing at all.
You were mine, but you were not.

- This ironies seems a little cliché already but I don't think it's really a problem.

Summarizing I would say-

- I think there should be a comma after 'Summarizing'.

that I had my fears but I still loved.

- Nice line.

But even if it causes pain

- Put a comma after 'pain'.

I'll try to convince myself that it's wiser forget.

- You forgot to put 'to' after 'wiser'.

Try... three letters echoing in my head.
Try... doesn't know what commitment is for.
Try... a very disgraceful word.

- These lines are really powerful.

that we weren't together but we loved.

- Another nice line.

what to do with my blemished heart.

- I think it should be a semicolon instead of a period after 'heart'.


I like this poem. I think the only problem it has is that it's not consistently strong. I mean, some parts are not really strong. The wording is nice by the way. The title is interesting too.

Never stop writing!

Wow, nice job! You took a rather cliche topic and twisted it into something original and interesting. Good job on that!

Solvalery wrote:That distance they talked about,Who's the 'they'? Wouldn't it be 'we'?
it felt so close that night.
I had feared my fears for so long,
but ambivalence conquered my heart.

I lost so much, yet I had nothing at all.
You were mine, but you were not.
Summarizing I would say-
that I had my fears but I still loved.

Then you said three enduring words,
those I tried not to say back.
'Cause even when I felt what you had said, I like 'because' better then 'cause'.
my mind was drenched in unduly doubt ...unduly doubt. Hmm. I don't like 'unduly' here, maybe too many 'd' sounds?

I'd rather spend my whole life trying to pretend,
But even if it causes pain The 'but' doesn't seem necessary.
I'll try to convince myself that it's wiser forget.
Try... three letters echoing in my head.
Try... doesn't know what commitment is for.
Try... a very disgraceful word. Agreed; very powerful, emotional lines!

You lost so much, yet you had nothing at all.
I was yours, but I was not.
Summarizing I would say-
that we weren't together but we loved.

I still ask God every night-
what to do with my blemished heart.
Blemished with dubious fear,
blemished by the fear of doubt.Nice tidy ending. The repeat of 'blemished' worked here, for me, but others might find it repetitive. Just saying. This ending almost gave me the chills...great job!

Love this poem! The imagery, emotion...it's so REAL feeling. You did fantastic on making this into something that is 'you' and not "Oh, I feel like I read this before..." Ya know? *ahem* Anywho. *likes*

This is fantastic! Keep writing poetry, you're really good! I love it so much, and I can really relate to it.

Thanks you, guys! ^_^ <3

Beautiful. All I can say is beautiful.

Wow. That was really good I'm not say anything beyond that. Brava

Keep on Writing
-Roxy

Hello.

So, I'll be picky, as my inherently dark and cynical nature requires me to be.

It's a good poem. But it's far from perfect. You've taken a very important theme and you've done it justice I think - it's not cliche and it's not repetitive. But your poem lacks substance - you use a lot of different and unconventional techniques, but I don't think that's the right approach to this. You could make it a lot better by keeping it simple towards the end. Also, I didn't like the lack of imagery. I'm big on imagery, as it gives me something to see in the poem and makes it more real for me; yours didn't feel like it had enough.

It is a great poem, and don't let my harshness bring you down - I'm just trying to be more objective and critical. Keep writing; I'm sure you've got a lot more great work in stock.

Hey! I would just like to start off by saying you have a great topic for this piece! A long distance relationship is not only hard to conquer for the lovers who endure it, but it is a hard concept to grasp and you definitely, in my opinion, grasped it well!
However; it does have a few confusing lines:
Blue= Changes Green= Comments Orange= Likes!

That distance they talked about,
it felt so close that night.
I had feared my fears for so long,[This line is a little bit confusing. I suggest maybe finding a synonym for fear?but ambivalence conquered my heart.Great line!

I lost so much, yet I had nothing at all.
You were mine, but you were not.Re- word this? You were mine emotionally but physically you were absent.
Summarizing, I would say-
that I had my fears but I still loved. Find another word that resembles fear. Adds more character to your writing!
Then you said three enduring words,
those I tried not to say back.Maybe just : I tried not to say back.. take out the 'those.'
Because even when I felt what you had said,
my mind was drenched in unduly doubt

I'd rather spend my whole life trying to pretend,I love these 3 stanzas! Perfect understanding of the topic.
even if it causes pain,
I'll try to convince myself that it's wiser to forget.
Try... three letters echoing in my head.
Try... doesn't know what commitment is for.
Try... a very disgraceful word.

You lost so much, yet you had nothing at all.Great!
I was yours, but I was not. Confusing.. Try to re-word by telling the reader how you were his yet physically you were not? (( Previously stated.))
Summarizing, I would say-
that we weren't together but we loved.

I still ask God every night-
what to do with my blemished heartUsually, I would critique to the usage of the word blemished 3 times.. yet here it adds an extra meaning on the fact that the girls heart is truly damaged!
Blemished with dubious fear,
blemished by the fear of doubt.

This has a few mistakes... but once fixed I think this piece will be extraordinary!:)

KW (keep writing) -Dreamer

Everyone feels fear. In romance, it's no different. But with it, many new fears arise. Deception. Heartbreak. Loss of interest. Painful argumentation.. There's fear to be had and blended with the wonders of romance. And this poem illustrates the former. In long distance, relationships are harder. You never know. You can never be sure. You can never fully trust the others actions. Nor can you prove your own. You can love like they're close, feel like they're close, wish that they were. But long distance is a slow venom. I'm a victim to it, myself. I've been torn to shreds by every girl, close and far that I've been with. I can find the inner monologue so similar to conversations I've had with myself many nights. This poem is very clear. A person with true love in their hearts, but eyes tinted with worry everywhere she looks. No real peace, but no real pain. As far as she's concerned, "It's too far away, for it to be serious enough to hurt.. right?" Standing up tall, but still quivering with fear at the knees. You can tell, almost feel the doubt echoing in her words. the passion blended with the frustration, of not being able to truly express the love or fear she has. And yet, smiling away. Putting on a smile for her other, and likewise. Such is the beauty, and the blight of romance. Especially one with distance. Fantastic. Very well done, Sol. You're mental illustration is impeccable.