Bullets (1)

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A/N; This is...different character view then I'm used, definitely more free flowing and natural. So, if it seems a bit off in places feel free to tell me.

The diner smells of death and brew.

I'm sitting here, feet propped up on the rackety-shack table, blood dribbling out of my lip. Little by little, it eases down the thin surface of my chin and lands on the table in a plop...right next to my coffee. Almost in it, but not quite. I consider briefly if that would taste any good...chances were just not high up there. The coffee was just too bitter for the bold, brass taste of the stuff.

The sun's setting down, and lemme just tell you real quick, the blood's not mine. It's the waitress's, and she's at the end of the table with pistol shots widening the space between her ribs and a glossed over look hanging in her dull brown eyes. I'm preparing to leave, and on the way out snack on some bacon that was for the customer who ran when he heard murder and saw my canines extending to just below my lower lips. They're in now, those little teeth, now that I've already fed. Deep in my gums, hiding there and waiting for the next opportunity. Despite the warm sensation settling in my gut, dead pig greasy with fat sounded perfect right now. Really, that and coffee were the only 'human' foods that could stay with me these days.

I gear up to leave, pistol in hand, locked and loaded. Safety's not on. I'm already dead, a little shot by this thing wouldn't, couldn't make a damn difference. Resting just below my waist, hanging in the air within it's little leather holster, hangs another gun of a different sort. The pistol's for the weak willed humans, the other...well, let's just say it's for my sort.

One last swig of coffee and a handful of crusty, crinkly bacon and I'm out the door, the soles of my feet banging the ground through my boots. The goggles that had been shifted to my forehead earlier on are now slipped onto my eyes as I enter the desert atmosphere. There's just a slight, slight breeze yet the earth dust rises up and whips my face, whacking against the skin and entering my insides through the crack between the two thick skin slabs of lip. I lick the gritty texture, running the sand along my teeth and tasting it, then spitting it straight on the ground, the wetness pooling up just a tad in the hot sand. If I could sweat, believe me, I would.

Just outside the diner with the dead waitress, my little ATV sits with patience, rusting more and more with each and every day. This ATV, this funky little yellow thing, it's been through a lot as evidenced by the dried blood on the side, crawling up the treaded tires. I swing my body on the seat, placing my rear-end on the ripped but decently squishy surface, and bounce myself into position. The key's always in the ignition, don't forget about that, although I will readily admit that that's not the best idea. But hell, with the jingle-jangle of stuff that's already in my pockets, it would just get lost in that abyss and I'd end up dumping it all on the ground in some sort of fit of rage. My stomach's full, but of course I could use more. Anyone, anywhere in this territory could always use more.

****

“Audrey, I need you to listen,” The ATV stops at it's destination, thirty miles away from the diner, and the pleading blue eyes of a blonde are staring at me from its stopping place. His hair, shaggy and greasy and dripping just barely over his scrawny shoulders.

“Torrance,” I respond blankly as I hike off, shaking what little hair I have. Long before, ages ago actually, I cut it short, and that was that. I would never look like a female should, just with the quick hacking of some dull scissors. Bam, male. “Where's everyone?” I look at the blank campsite. They were my team-mates, until later on. At some point, they'll all be gone completely, either resting or slaves, but perhaps one will stay in the end to win the prize. Doubtful, with what a lot they are...not that I don't enjoy their company, nor do I think I'm any better.

Really, we're all just old idiots who want to die. I mean, that's the prize. You either get annihilated (See: the other weapon hanging on me besides the pistol) and are to work as a test subject, slave, whatever or you finally... die. After all the shit and damnation that you've seen throughout your years, you die. Good riddance to being a vampire, a freak, a reject. You get to be buried with a funeral and the lowering of the casket and all that. Lovely. Compared to most here, at the age of one hundred and three, I'm a spring chicken. I should be a slave, that's a common idea about me. Too young to die, that's an idea about me. Whatever. When the teams are separated, due to a small amounts of us left, and it's every man and or woman for themselves, I'll be happy to gun whomever down.

“Um...” Torrance starts to think. He's a good person, he really is. But...he's spacey, and that's the truth in it all. “But...anyway, Audrey, I need to tell you something.” He keeps his hands together pretty much twenty-four seven, clasped in this awkward fold, but he lets them go for a second to tap me to get my attention.

“Yesss?” I stretch out my word as I start to unpack things from the ATV. Just supplies, a few knifes from the diner that I stole a few nights ago. I secretly hope that that dead waitress is replaced, because I don't mind her being there. She's nice.

“I think Team C's going to be here soon,” He leans close to me and I can smell his breath. Yeah, blood. His black eyes stare eagerly at me, waiting for a response.

“Then...let's pack up?” I shrug. “Does Bitty know?” Torrance has always fancied himself a predictor...not in a physic sense, he's just damn good at being right about things. It would just be wrong to doubt him, especially since he saved my ass a few times before.

“She ran off before I could say anything,” He sighed. Bitty, the other team-mate...she's doesn't like him as much I'm so fond of him; she thinks he's creepy, and while that might be a sliver of truth, at least he tries. I rub his hair, fluffing his straight locks. I can feel the oil strands slip through my fingers. “Gahhh.” Torrance swats my hand away, and I meekly smile.

“Just go start packing, okay? Shove your stuff on there,” I nod in my ATV's general direction. There's a black plastic box tied to the back, and in goes whatever I was unpacking earlier.

“Alright,” I whisper to myself. Most that I need is on my body , but the tent and the things inside it need packing. I start to toss stuff out when the sound of another ATV comes rolling in the direction I'm in. My first instinct is to shoot, but I calm when I turn and see a mess of ginger hair.

“What's up, what're we doin'?” The ginger hair, that big mess of fuzz, says. She speaks in an odd sort of accent, not one I've ever been able to to place.

“Start packing, Bitty,” I say. “Most of your stuff is still in here.” I launch a few of her books outwards.

“Hey!” She retrieves the novels and holds them close to her, narrowing her eyes in a form of anger at me. Then, she turns to lovingly tuck them into large cargo canvas bag hanging from her side. “I'll shoot you.” She mutters. It's a joke, but if she wasn't what could be considered a friend, it could easily be twisted into a threat.

“Yeah, yeah,” I nod. Besides, Bitty hates shooting. She prefers others to take charge, which wasn't a bad thing. Lessens her chances of being killed anyway. Honestly, I thought she'd be taken out a long time ago. I noticed the prettier ones were picked off faster. These days, however, everyone was lookin' rough. It's not like there's showers in the middle of nowhere.

“Torrance is here, Torrance is ready,” He calls out as he exits through the flaps of his little home on stakes. His expression's dull, but at least he's awake and actually moving. He does this whole 'speaking in third person' on occasions, it really depends on his stress level. For the record, it's been rather high as of late.

His arms are stuffed full of random knickknacks, objects held close to his body for fear of them being lost. Along his face, just below his brows, an open wound puckers the flesh. There's no blood, nothing trickling or sickling out. I start putting my tent down, crashing the frame with my boots and a little effort.
It's during this I feel the shot, just gently ripping through the faux leather fabric hanging off my body.


“God dammit!” I yell, whipping my body away from the area. I sputter out my words, syllables of swears cutting past my lips. If I had a beating heart within me, the shock would collapse it. There's nothing thought past that moment, just doing. I don't care about anything but myself, and really, that's okay. That's what I tell myself as I twist my body and pull my ToRrent from it's shield and prep it.

“Audrey-” I hear my name, but it doesn't really register to me. My body and mind don't want to talk. “AUDREY.” A sharp pain is slapped through the shaped back of my skull, underneath my rooted hair. I can't recall the exact severity of the pain, but I could damn well tell it wasn't a bullet wound. I'm being pushed down, pressure exerted to my spine, and I'm wishing for a brief second I would have worked out more. Somethings being released, and I see a shiny glint in the side of my dead pupils, just barely there. It's a knife, being retracted and pulled from the concave of my head. There's a thump, light, the sound of a skinny and bony body hitting the sand, and I see this bright orange crashing down, like an ablaze building toppling to its final demise.

Bitty comes and lands at my side, and it's funny, I have this feeling that she won't be moving again anytime soon. Basically, she's a goner, good luck trying to save her. My head's pounding and my eyes are cringing, but I tighten my teeth against each other. Gritting and ignoring it. I'm pinned, hands pressed underneath my body, and my rage level is reaching a high as a friend's body is motionless beside me and there's not a thing I can attempt to do, even if I do want to break the victimizer. My ToRrent is pressed up against the skin of hip, pressuring the skin, and I want it more then ever. I want to feel the steel of the trigger glide against my fingers. I want to aim and shoot and demolish-

An enemy's ToRrent is pressed and nuzzled against my neck, and that's when I choose to shut my eyes.
As I committed my crimes in a darkened room
A bird flew by, and saw what I'd done, it set up a nest outside.
And he sang about what I'd become...sang so loud, sang so clear.
I was afraid all the neighbors would hear.




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Holy crapola.

The diner smells of death and brew.


That is one fantastic first sentence. And now I will read on. ^^

I'm sitting here, feet propped up on the rackety-shack table, blood dribbling out of my lip. Little by little, it eases down the thin surface of my chin and lands on the table in a plop...right next to my coffee.


I would try to limit the adjective use here. For me, this piece just became weaker because of that extra bit you added. I would suggest removing some of extra details like 'rackety-shack' (I've never heard anyone say that, by the way. I stopped and stared at that one for a second) and 'thin.' You have strong verbs in there and the images are vivid, so it's safe to remove these. Extra details like these slow the reader down.

I consider briefly if that would taste any good...chances were just not high up there.


That seems to be worded awkwardly, I would suggest rewording. I had to back-track and read it again to figure out what you were saying.

The sun's setting down, and lemme just tell you real quick, the blood's not mine. It's the waitress's, and she's at the end of the table with pistol shots widening the space between her ribs and a glossed over look hanging in her dull brown eyes.


Your extra description is slowing you down! Do you realize how effective your sentences would be if you just got straight to the point? Amazing, that's what! Lookie here: "Lemme just tell you real quick, the blood's not mine. It's the waitress's, and she's at the end of the table with pistol shots widening the space between her ribs." Kick out the description, especially in the beginning. It makes for a more compelling read. You started off well with that powerful first sentence, so keep it going! There's a distinctive voice here and a wonderful concept, and you need to back that up with a fast-paced beginning instead of one that nobody will have patience for. I'm not going to read the rest of this, but I can tell you have skill. Thanks for posting this!
You treat life like a picture
but it's not a moment that's frozen in time




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Thank you for the review! To be honest, compared to my last attempted (but in the end failed) novel, the description in this is rather cut down. But eh...it would make sense why people were telling me it was a bit boring then when I asked for reviews on that one. I shall go back and edit. :D
As I committed my crimes in a darkened room
A bird flew by, and saw what I'd done, it set up a nest outside.
And he sang about what I'd become...sang so loud, sang so clear.
I was afraid all the neighbors would hear.




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The diner smells of death and brew.
Usually when I see something this big I leave because of the length(I have a short attention span), but this sentence definitely got me interested in the rest of the story.

placing my rear-end on the ripped but decently squishy surface,
<----Don't know why but this sentence made me laugh.

This is kinda like a vampire-maximum-ride with the "pack", and Audrey's a bloodthirsty foul-mouthed vampire(love it).

Like the general idea too but what do you mean about the whole 'slave' part and what's with the teams?
We've all been sorry. We've all been hurt. How we survive is what makes us who we are.
{20150529)




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Thanks for commenting. :)
I suppose I should have separated this chapter into chunks on here...I think that would be best for me to do with the next chapter and so on. Anyway, the 'slaves' are what will happen if say, Audrey or any of the other vampires don't succeed and acquire their place as the last one standing...they get put into a placement program and are given to humans as a sort of...well, slave.
The teams are just a way of separating the contestants up, and in the end they really don't matter. It's just a grouping, although if it ends up confusing the reader it might be easier to remove the idea altogether. To be honest, I'm a bit concerned with my displaying of the back story anyway and the whole competition idea. I don't want it in the end to push away the reader, but at the same time I don't want to explain it in one big info dump. If my second chapter doesn't help clear it up, I think I have serious editing to do. ^.^;
As I committed my crimes in a darkened room
A bird flew by, and saw what I'd done, it set up a nest outside.
And he sang about what I'd become...sang so loud, sang so clear.
I was afraid all the neighbors would hear.




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I really like the beginning of this story. I agree with other people who have commented that the first sentence is particularly engaging, which is what the first sentence of a story needs to be. I also like how you do a lot of showing instead of telling which is what makes your story so much more real, and in my opinion more like an actual novel. For example I love the way you slowly revealed that she was a vampire and that for a while we didn't even know she was siting opposite a dead body that she had just killed. It shows what you characters like and how this doesn't even faze her.

The only criticism I can give is that after the scene changes from Audrey being on the road to when she meets other characters, the story got a bit more harder to follow and complicated then. I'm not sure I completely understand about the slave and team mates thing. But then I again I believe that, that is something that will be revealed later on, and by telling us less it keeps the reader guessing.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this and can't wait for chapter two. You are really talented as a writer, don't stop writing!
Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson




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Thank you for the review. ^.^ I hope I can reveal it more easily as it goes on. If it interests you, I added a second chapter last night.
As I committed my crimes in a darkened room
A bird flew by, and saw what I'd done, it set up a nest outside.
And he sang about what I'd become...sang so loud, sang so clear.
I was afraid all the neighbors would hear.




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Gender Female
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Hi there! I'm here as requested :)
I'm going to be really nitpicky here, it's not intended to be harsh, just to help you improve.

LiverTeaTime wrote:The diner smells of death and brew.

As the others have said, this is a good starting sentence. It's short and snappy and will hopefully grab the attention of the reader. This isn't so much a critiscm as a little note but can you compare death to brew? If this is done for comedic value, great! You've acheived your aim. But if not I would consider changing it.

LiverTeaTime wrote:blood dribbling out of my lip.

This isn't how I would phrase this. Perhaps reword to something more along the lines of 'blood dribbling from the cut on my lip'. Okay, that's a bad example but you get the gist.

LiverTeaTime wrote:thin surface of my chin

This bothered me as well although I can't quite understand why. Maybe it's just because I can't quite imagine a thin surface. Does that make sense? Surfaces tend to be bumpy/smooth/flat etc... but not thin.

LiverTeaTime wrote:on the table in a plop...right next to my coffee.

It either lands with a 'plop' or in a puddle. Plop is generally used to describe a sound rather than an object.

LiverTeaTime wrote:Almost in it, but not quite. I consider briefly if that would taste any good...chances were just not high up there.
You've messed up your tenses a little here, I think you need to look it over.

LiverTeaTime wrote:It's the waitress's, and she's at the end of the table with pistol shots widening the space between her ribs and a glossed over look hanging in her dull brown eyes. I'm preparing to leave, and on the way out snack on some bacon that was for the customer who ran when he heard murder and saw my canines extending to just below my lower lips. They're in now, those little teeth, now that I've already fed.
Massive info dump here and two very run on sentences. Try to spread them out more.

LiverTeaTime wrote:Really, that and coffee were the only 'human' foods that could stay with me these days.
I don't understand what you're trying to say here.

LiverTeaTime wrote:Safety's not on. I'm already dead, a little shot by this thing wouldn't, couldn't make a damn difference.

Try to explain a bit more here. It's hard to work out what you mean at this point. A reader's thoughts here could potentially be:
a)The gun doesn't do any harm to anyone, therefore it's useless
b)The MC is literally dead
c)If someone shot the MC with his/her own gun it wouldn't matter
d) Even if the MC fired the gun at themselves by mistake they wouldn't care.

Since I'm assuming the answer is D... or thereabouts, you need to clarify this.

LiverTeaTime wrote:This ATVis a funky little yellow thing fullstop. It's been through a lot as evidenced by the dried blood on the side, crawling up the treaded tires.
This is easier to read and makes more sense.

When reading this chapter, I found one main thing I think you need to work on. We, as the reader are still unsure as to whether your MC is male or female. There are certain mannerisms that convince us of their personality, but not gender. Try and clear this up pretty soon.

I'll get to the next chapter as soon as I can, remember to keep me posted! Good job in chapter one, and if you have any questions feel free to ask :D




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I really love the descriptions. Very nice, dark, and gives an overall impression of a different world. I liked it, except I am a little bit of a G-rated person and am not quite used to swears. Sorry about that...
I found it a little difficult to understand on the guns. Are you planning to elaborate on the other gun in the next chapter? And when you said that the main character would miss the waitress and wanted her replaced...do you have some kind of supernatural role waiting for the waitress or something? That would be interesting...
And it would be nice if you went a little more in detail if you mentioned more pain and anger on losing this friend, Bitty.
I hope this helps. This is my first time posting something....I hope I'm doing this write...:)
"Which came first? The Phoenix or the flame?"

-H.P. Deathly Hallows



Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice