Hanging by a Thread

Spoiler

All right, this is my second poem outside of school. Hope you like it!

Tiny grains of sand
Underneath my feet
Telling me I'm whole,
Saying I'm complete

I would not admit this
To anyone but you
I'm hanging by a thread,
Not wanting to come to

If you tell me I'm being stupid
I will not point or cry
I'm doing this for you, love
You killed me deep inside

And even though you beg
For me to come home,
I will not go with you,
My soul is already gone

So as I float away
Into a sea of lost screams
Just remember this:
I'll be seeing you in your dreams

Howdy there!

This is a really good poem; I really like it!

The words you have used are as well, very beautiful!

I love the layout it stands out and is very clear and looks so neat! Also it fits in with the way you have written it.

However one thing I would say is that you have used comma's, but not a full stop. It just seems like a really long sentence with no ending. It might make more sense if you split it up into little sentences, or if you want to keep it how it is then just place a full stop at the end. Or you can write it freely, as in no use of punctuation!

Otherwise well done!

I love this - it is woven together brilliantly. The rhyming is great and your wording is fantastic - meaningful, but not too heavy if you understand what I'm saying. The third stanza is lovely and is defintely my favourite - the last and second last lines especially. I must say, I do agree with the previous reviewer with the missing full stop(s) and recommend that you put one at the end of the piece.
Good job and well done!

Hey!

I think this poem was okay. It wasn't anything brilliant but you had a few good points. Your rhyme scheme was really good and kept consistent throughout the whole poem. You also used a lot of imagery in the poem.

I find that the imagery of a poem begins to really work when there's an overall theme to the poem. What commonality will your metaphors have? Some people, for example choose to tie their metaphors down by using darkness: so they use words like shadow, night, gloom. Others for example can use fire as the encompassing theme and use flame, burn, scorch, heat. Your metaphors are scattered. You start of with 'grains of sand' and as the poem progresses your imagery takes on a darker theme.

There's a specific term for it in poetry. It isn't exactly 'theme'. I forget. Haha. I think you've got good language here but something that'll make your images more concrete is if you extend your metaphors a little further. Don't let it just sit in that one line or stanza, find something that links your imagery with the rest of your poem.

I hope that helps. This was a good read. I'd love to read more.

--Nixie

i really like this poem its very good and flows nicely, good job!

This was beautiful and very well writ. The only thing I would say it, if you're attempting to rhyme, keep it consistent. I noticed that the first, second, and last stanzas rhymed with the second and fourth lines, but the third and fourth didn't. Just a little nit-picky thing. Otherwise, extremely good job!