Today's Poem: Patriarch Sky

Just for the hell of it,
you took out scissors
and cut up the sky.

Mostly clipped shapes
of the svelte female hip,
water jugs,
Cheshire leers,
grinning way the blades opened
and closed.

Loose raiments curled, torn, wrung,
flying
limp as old bed linen kids jump on,
ripping when the wind blows.

This is what's left of my
ceiling,
helter-skelter
puzzle,
mansion of the mind.

Ooh, I like this! Very nice! I especially love the opening stanza--it had me totally hooked for what you were going to say next--very beautiful! I also loved the last two lines of the second stanza. The third one, compared to the others, seemed a bit weak. Could you somehow strengthen it by tying it back to the concept of scissors? And the last one, especially your final line, is fantastic. The one thing I think you could do to strengthen this is to think about the way you fit the words onto the lines. Right now it feels a bit arbitrary. I like that for the last stanza, which is supposed to be a puzzle. But you could make it more of a contrast by organizing the other stanzas so that there are roughly the same number of syllables on each line, or so that it makes sense. Other than that, really great job on this! I loved it!

Sare

Le review:

Just for the hell of it,
you took out scissors
and cut up the sky. (I love this stanza! The first two and a half lines you're like... oh no.... emo poem.... emo poem... oh! cool poem! What do you know?!)

Mostly clipped shapes
of the svelte female hip, (nice)
water jugs,
Cheshire leers,
grinning (?) way the blades opened (I don't think leers can grin. I see what you were trying to say, but these two lines don't really work for me.)
and closed.

Loose raiments curled, torn, wrung,
flying
limp as old bed linens kids jump on,
ripping when the wind blows. (nothing amazing, but nice.)

This is what's left of my
ceiling, (I would make this all one line. Then it'll be awesome.)
helter-skelter
puzzle,
mansion of the mind. (I don't like this ending. it seems inconclusive and fragmented.)

So, overall, I like this poem! It's very interesting and different. However, I would make the ending conclusive and make sure that you spell check and use proper word choice. Right now the ending leaves me hanging as to what the poem is about. it just seems like words,words,words.

Cheers!
-Tori

First of all, I love the title. Rarely ever does a title absolutely strike me as something I must read, but this did.

emXshorty wrote:Just for the hell of it,

I understand the kind of flippancy you're trying to convey, but I don't really like this line. The stanza overall is good, but this line alone is just kind of irritating. It ruins the music of the rest of the poem.
I actually like the way ceiling is its own line

emXshorty wrote:This is what's left of my
ceiling,
helter-skelter
puzzle,
mansion of the mind.

I actually like everything about this last stanza. The last line is a little opaque in meaning, but I did like it.
Overall, it was a nice piece of imagery. Most importantly, you experimented with or used words in a way that denoted play. Sorry if that didn't make any sense, I'm having trouble putting that idea into words. Basically, you wrote a fine poem.
I would say fix the first line and it's perfect.