Chapter 1

I was shaken awake by my mother, just at the good part in my dream. I turned over groaning hoping she would leave me alone. But she just shook me again. I opened my eyes and glared at her.
“Anna.” My mother said tears in her blue eyes. “We’re leaving, so pack quickly and quietly.” Then she got up and hurried out of the room. Her brown hair was in a messy braid.
I cut my bedside lamp on. There was a suitcase at the end of my bed. I guess my mom put it there. I could hear my mom shuffling around in her room across the hall. I hurried and got my clothes together. I wore Capri’s and a T-shirt with flip-flops. As I did this I thought about my friends and family. It occurred to me then I didn’t know where my step-dad was. He would’ve been fighting with my mom, yelling for her not to leave. But all was quiet and there was no yelling.
Once I was done I carried my bag to the door and glanced around the room for, what I guessed one last look. My unmade bed with its midnight blue comforter in the corner, my lamp still on next to it, with my Bible, my bookshelf full of books, and my desk with my iBook and schoolbooks scattered all around it. Then I went over to my desk and packed my iBook into the bag I got for my last birthday. It was black with skulls on it. Then I went to my bible and picked it up packing it in the bag with the computer. After that I took everything and went out to the car and loaded it with my stuff. Mother had already packed her stuff in the Cadillac.
The trip was stuffy and claustrophobic. We had about two bathroom stops and three fast food stops. McDonalds was annoying after the second stop. The third stop we decided to go to Hardee’s. I had a Frisco.
We were on the road for a few hours when I saw a sign that said WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA!
“Where are we going?” I said. I was tired from the trip and wanted it to be over with.
“To a very good friend of mine. She is letting us stay with her.”
“Oh, okay.”
My mom sighed. “She has been a friend to me for a long time. We met up again a month ago. We had lost contact when she moved to California to live. We got to talking again. I told her about everything and she said she would let us come stay with her for a while if it got us out of that situation. So we are going to her.”
“What’s her name?”
Just then mom’s blackberry rang.
“Carrie.” She checked the caller ID. She sighed and ignored it.
We fell into a comfortable silence. That was fine with me because I had a lot to think about. How would I transfer my grades? What school was I going to go to? What was my mother’s friend like? Would my parents get a divorce? So many questions without answers.
We pulled up to a beautiful beach house. The front was covered in glass. The sun was shining upon it so you couldn’t see inside.
“This is Carrie’s house.”
“Wow. It’s beautiful.”
“She’s a lawyer and her husband is a teacher at the middle school. Her son is about your age.”
“Her son?!” I squeaked. I was never good dealing with boys.
“Yes. Nick is a very fine boy.”
“You know how I am around boys!”
“Dear you’re going to do fine,” my mom said while getting out of the car. Everything after that was a blur. The next thing I knew I was on my iBook emailing friends when a guy walked in my room. I was suddenly self-conscious because of my knee length skirt and tank top. Was it a good outfit to wear? Why should it matter? Then I realized he was still there while I was fighting with myself.
“Hi.” I said shyly.
“Hey. I’m Nick. You must be Anna.”
“That’s correct. Nice to meet you.”
I swiveled around in my purple chair to look at him as he walked over to the bed studying me. I felt my cheeks get hot. Then assuming he was going to sit there quietly I turned back to my email. Once I was done sending emails to friends to tell them what was going on. I logged out and cut the computer off. Then I turned around and came face to face with Nick. My cheeks got hot again.
“Oh! I forgot you were here!”
“Mhm.” Then he kissed me on the forehead. “Nice to meet you to. I hope you like it here.”
I was still in shock when it was time for dinner. I came down quietly and took my seat next to my mom. Nick sat across from me. Carrie sat across from mom with her husband at the head of the long ovular table. I noticed that Nick had brown hair like his dad, but lighter. Carrie had blonde hair. His dad had an angular face. He was very pretty. Carrie had high cheekbones and full lips with a straight nose that looked like she had never been punched. Nick had an angular face but had his mom’s full lips.
“It’s so good to see you again Carrie! How long has it been?”
“I don’t know but it’s been a while. Oh! You must be Anna! Your mother has told me so much about you!” she turned to me.
“Yes I am. It’s great to finally meet you.”
“This is my son Nick.”
“I have already met him.” I said politely.
“Oh!” Carrie sounded shocked, glancing between us. “Ok.” She sounded suspicious. “Well this is my husband, Cody.”
“It’s nice to meet you Mr. Cody.”
“Please just call me Cody.”
I smiled at him. “Ok,” After that we ate silently and went our separate ways. The parents went to the den to watch TV. Nick went to the deck through the glass doors in the back of the house. After watching him walk away I went up the curving stairs and down the hall to my room. I got on my email and stayed there about an hour because of my best friend Emily’s two page email. Once I had read and replied to all I went to bed. It was a twin. The covers had a print of purple flowers.


The next day we went shopping for school supplies. Lucky for us it was a Sunday and Nick didn’t have any plans and could help with what I needed. Once we were done they took me to get my hair trimmed and put blonde streaks through my brown hair. It helped my dark green eyes pop. Once we were done we went back to Carries house.
“Thank god that’s over!” Nick yelled as soon as he was in the house.
“Nick. That’s mean to say!” Carrie yelled after him.
“It’s all right. He’s just a boy.” My mom said as she went up the stairs.
“But he shouldn’t have said that!” Carrie said following my mom. I just went to the den. I was watching TV on the flat screen for a few minutes when Nick came to sit beside me.
“So you’re going to Bay Point High school?” he asked casually.
“I guess.” I just stared at the TV.
“Do you dislike me or something?”
I looked over at him. “I don’t hate you or anything. I just…I’m not used to this, this moving around. I lived in the same house and went to the same school for so long that all this is stressful.” I could see him thinking it over. Of all I’m going through.
“I guess that would be stressful wouldn’t it?”
“I’m just not used to talking to people either. My mom was always caught up in working, getting out of the house, and not fighting with my step-dad.”
“Well so far you’re doing great. But you need to speak to somebody. I’ll talk to you. How about that?”
“I guess.” He got up then. “Be ready to go by seven. I leave then and don’t wear a knee length skirt and tank top. It’s a bad combination where you’re going.” I could hear the teasing tone at the end.
“I won’t.” I blushed.
He chuckled as he walked away. That night I was so nervous I barely slept. So many questions were going through my head that I didn’t have the answers for.

First things first, please put a space between each paragraph. It'll be easier to read that way. So far it seems that you have a really good idea, but you really need to describe the scenes more and really let us step in Anna's shoes. It seems like you are just telling everything instead of showing it too.

Anna didn't seem very shocked when her mother got her out of bed and said to pack up. I would be dazed and when I realized exactly what happened, then I would have a whack attack and be screaming at my mom, attempting to figure out what happened. I wouldn't wait for answers, I would want them now. But that could just be my personality or something, so if it doesn't work for Anna then just forget about that.

I think you do need to describe more; none of the information will stick out unless you do. And some of the information isn't neccesary, like how many bathrooms stops they took and where they ate and what they had. But if something important happened while they were eating, like a conversation revealing why they left so abruptly, then by all means include that, but leave out the other information. It doesn't really add anything important to the story. Other than that though, you did a really good job. I want to know what happens next now... I am going to read the second chapter too.

Hi! My corrections are in green, original in red. Let's get started!

Instead of starting out by telling us that Anna is awoken just at the good part in her dream, try showing us by starting the story in the middle of her dream. Then have her mother come in and wake her up. I turned over groaning hoping she would leave me alone. Aaah! This sentence desperately needs some punctuation. I turned over, groaning, hoping she would leave me alone. " “Anna.” My mother said tears in her blue eyes. "Anna," my mother said, tears in her blue eyes. I cut my bedside lamp on. Huh? Once I was done I carried my bag to the door and glanced around the room for, what I guessed one last look. Once I was done, I carried my bag to the door and glanced around my room for one last look. My unmade bed with its midnight blue comforter in the corner, my lamp still on next to it, with my Bible, my bookshelf full of books, and my desk with my iBook and schoolbooks scattered all around it. AAAAAAAH! SCREEK! Where's the VERB?!!! Then I went over to my desk and packed my iBook into the bag I got for my last birthday. It was black with skulls on it. Then I went to my bible and picked it up packing it in the bag with the computer. After that I took everything and went out to the car and loaded it with my stuff. Mother had already packed her stuff in the Cadillac. You can compact all these sentences into just two. Then I packed my Bible, and my black iBook with the skulls on it that I got for my birthday last year. I hauled my stuff out to the car and shoved it in with my mother's. We met up again a month ago. We had lost contact when she moved to California to live. We got to talking again. Don't start all your sentences with the same word. Vary it up. Again, you can compact these. “[color=#FF0000]Her son?!” I squeaked. I was never good dealing with boys. Haha! I LOVE this part! Then assuming he was going to sit there quietly I turned back to my email. Um, that's kind of rude, don't you think? Would you just sit there and type emails to your friends while someone sat on your bed? (Maybe if they were your bestie or something, but these guys just met. Plus she is a guest at his house, you know.) Love the forehead kiss! Surprising, but not totally out of place. He's just very... outgoing. Try to take the descriptions of people at the table and compact them. Like I've said, a lot of your sentences really could be shortened and made into just one or two. Remember: concision is very important! Lucky for us it was a Sunday and Nick didn’t have any plans and could help with what I needed. Once we were done they took me to get my hair trimmed and put blonde streaks through my brown hair. It helped my dark green eyes pop. Once we were done we went back to Carries house.
Very repetetive, and "Carries" needs an apostrophe. So many questions were going through my head that I didn’t have the answers for. Good ender, but rephrase. It's a little awkward to read. Okay, overall great start! I actually really like this idea, and can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work!

Hey there lovelyheart -

So here's my thing. You say in your description of this novel that it's about a girl dealing with her parents' divorce and finding love and all that other growing up jazz - which is great. The only problem is, it could easily turn into a "yeah, okay, we've all been through this song-and-dance routine before, blah blah blah." So you have to really grab your reader and force us to see why this particular story, about this particular girl, having these particular problems matters more than any other story about a girl having those same problems.

The other big thing I'd recommend you focus on is getting comfortable with your own writing style. Right now you are having some stylistic issues that make reading your prose downright difficult at times. For instance:

“Thank god that’s over!” Nick yelled as soon as he was in the house.
“Nick. That’s mean to say!” Carrie yelled after him.
“It’s all right. He’s just a boy.” My mom said as she went up the stairs.

The punctuation and grammar are all over the place here. What's more, while I sort of get what you're going for here, I feel like I have to slow down and decipher how your characters are saying everything. I get the sense that these cardboard cutouts are just sort of slamming around the house haphazardly. "THANK GOD THAT IS OVER!" one yells awkwardly. "THAT IS SO MEAN!" another shouts in reply.

Take a look at some of your favorite novels. Pay attention to how the author uses dialogue. You don't have to spell it out for the reader. If it's done well, you can tell when people are upset or yelling or snapping at another character without actually outright saying it.

For example: "Thank God that's over." Nick slammed the door behind him and took off up the stairs.
It basically gets the same idea across without using all of those exclamation points, which, when used to excess, just come across as silly.

So hopefully some of this helps. Best of luck to you!

Ari