Shipwrecked Love

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AmiiLightwood
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Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:25 pm
AmiiLightwood says... · Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:25 pm
The shattered remains of a shipwrecked love
Drift lost in rough grey seas
You pick up the pieces, warm as the sun
And kindly hand them back to me.
Last edited by AmiiLightwood on Sun Jun 19, 2011 10:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
'You've gotta sing sometimes, like you don't need the money,
Love sometimes, like you'll never get hurt,
You've got to dance, dance, dance, like there's nobody watching,
It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work.'
Adam Brand, Come From The Heart
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aniwinchester
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Tarshni
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Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:47 pm
Tarshni says... · Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:47 pm
Really sweet piece, Love the carried out metaphore.
It really is beautifully written!
By Tarshni Chetty
"The Art of writting is defined by one's ability to imagine and believe in the beuty of words"
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thegilliangill
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Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:56 pm
thegilliangill says... · Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:56 pm
Howdy there!

This is really good.

Just one thing I'd say is you've put in one comma throughout the whole of your poem and no full stops. As a reader that is confusing as technically the sentence never ends so you either want to take out your comma, or include full punctuation.

Overall though I love the flow of your poem and it is short but sweet!

Well done!
~TheGillianGill~

There's a bright light, see it in the distance? It's called your future.
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AmiiLightwood
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Fri Jun 17, 2011 1:09 pm
AmiiLightwood says... · Fri Jun 17, 2011 1:09 pm
Thank you, thegillaingill. I used the comma instead of 'as' as it just didn't sound quite right. I will definitely add in that full stop!
Thanks for the advice,
AmiiLightwood
'You've gotta sing sometimes, like you don't need the money,
Love sometimes, like you'll never get hurt,
You've got to dance, dance, dance, like there's nobody watching,
It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work.'
Adam Brand, Come From The Heart
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tgirly
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Sat Jul 02, 2011 2:35 pm
tgirly says... · Sat Jul 02, 2011 2:35 pm
I like this piece a lot. Even though it's so short, it's unique and I love the imagery and metaphor. I think that Shipwrecked Love might be too long a title for such a short piece, but that's just me and I don't have any ideas for what you could change it to. I don't think the last line has as much flow as the others. I think if you took out the "back" it would have more flow. Though that's just me, and it still has flow, just not as much as it could have, I think. Great poem!
-tgirly
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
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PrincessOfDarkness
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Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:27 pm
PrincessOfDarkness says... · Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:27 pm
Short and Sweet! This is gorgeous! It flowed wonderfully, and I loved the idea. Keep it up!
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oldgypsywoman
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Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:39 pm
oldgypsywoman says... · Mon Jul 04, 2011 7:39 pm
I saw the title and expected some long-drawn out poem...
But, when I read what you wrote here, I was impressed!
Your simplicity here is beautiful, and I love the extended metaphor that you've used.
Contrary to what someone said above, I believe the poem flows together very well if you read it with the right beat.
You're quite talented, keep up the good work! I hope to read more killer poems like this from you in the future.
: )
"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful."
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Butterfinger
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Wed Jul 06, 2011 1:33 am
Butterfinger says... · Wed Jul 06, 2011 1:33 am
Hi-ya!!! First off-love your title--it made me really want to click on this & read it over a few times to dig deep and really find the core of it's meaning(at least from my eyes).

"The shattered remains of a shipwrecked love (the way you compare a broken heart to a wrecked ship is actually very brilliant. One would think a ship would be worthless in pieces, but with the right craftsman who truly has a passion- or the right someone that you were meant to be with--relate isn't impossible)
Drift lost in rough grey seas. (the image of dispair makes the ending all the more worth it)
You pick up the pieces, warm as the sun. (warm in the sea??? Logically no- but I see what you mean)
And kindly hand them back to me.". (the good Samaritan!!! Love it!!!)

Brilliantly wrote! Short yet vividly and simply intense!! Keep those creative juices flowing!!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.
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mellophone7
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Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:56 pm
mellophone7 says... · Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:56 pm
Short and sweet. Absolutely loved this. Sometimes the simplest poems are the ones that turn out to be the best, and this is one of them. Just one suggestions: add a period after seas. The rest of it seemed to use punctuation, so you should probably have a period there to finish the sentence.
"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean." -Robert Louis Stevenson
"Write or die trying."
JA hatar pisanje.
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I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.
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