Last edited by fhwdf on Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:32 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"What if, doctor, we need these knots and these tangles because they're the only things holding our souls down - and if we untied the knots and untangled the tangles and stretched them out ... would our souls just float away?" ~Luke Kennard, A Practical Course in Entry Level Expressionism
It's an original idea, but I don't think you've utilized it's potential to the maximum. You could have put a nice twist on it, or some clever images - instead it just feels a little like someone trying to rap to show how tough they are, and it doesn't feel right. You have, however, done a good job creating a narrator, and it's authentic - it just feels too unreal for me.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers. To envy. To madness. Betrayal. Love. And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing. But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love. To be human.
This doesn't really suggest anything as a poem. I would change it to lyrics because that's what I and most others see in this. I think that in order to develope this into a poem you need some sort of story line. I think you also need some description in there at some point.
You said you don't usually swear in poems and I think some of it should be left out here. It is very distracting from the whole of the poem.
As for format I don't think the underscores are needed here. I think it would have the same effect if you left it at the begining of the line.
I do think that this would make a better song than it would a poem. I would consider changing it over, it would be nice as a song.
-Flow-
My reality comes to a close as I once again realize that you don't love me, and even if I love you with my everything you will never care.
