Song for You: a haiku

I am such a fool
thinking things are what they're not
God you're beautiful

I will start off with this: I HATE haikiu. Personally I think its far FAR too structured for its own good, and it leaves absolutely no room for insight or thought provoking statements. It can't do justice to the world around you with so little space and since the purpose of all art is a representation of the world around you, haiku are bad. So unless you happen to be in apan in the middle ages, haiku are pretty useless. But this is all personal opinion.

Also b eing so short, it makes it difficult to make a valid critique of it, other than haiju are generally nature themed, his is technically accurate, and there is little left to say. Even the prettiest, most profound haiku are unremarkale, (imo) so I find it difficult to find possitive comments about it.

Well that hardly seems like constructive commentary. I like haiku form poetry simply because it forces you to express a lot in very few words, the end result being (if you've succeeded) something simple and beautiful.

thinking things are what they're not

this line sounds awkward

God you're beautiful

God, you're beautiful.

I must admit, I hate haiku, too, so I can't voice a proper opinion. Sorry =[

Haiku... the only one I enjoyed was about a frog and that one was totally rediculous.

I think if you expanded WAY WAY WAY WAY more then it would be good.

brilliant haiku bent i take it its about how good the world is and thanking god

I can relate to the simple meaning. The thing about haikus is that at least they always read well and usually make sense. Better than some things.

I'd punctuate a bit more though. A comma after God in the last line and after fool in the first.

I liked this. To echo Jack, it's simplistic and easy to relate to. Again, it needs punctuation. That basically covers what I was going to say. Nice work.

(Oh, and a note to everyone else: I don't want to clutter your thread, Bent, so I apologize in advance. However, I find it necessary to say that we need to be mature enough writers to comment and provide critiques on a piece--not just bash its genre. So please, try to avoid doing so.)

The Black Rose wrote: I think if you expanded WAY WAY WAY WAY more then it would be good.

I thought Haiku's aren't suppose to be expanded.

You can expand on haikus; all you do is write a series of them. Each haiku can be like a stanza in any other kind of poetry, all relating to the subject at hand.

I adore haiku, but the thing about the style is that it has to be done well or it shouldn't be done at all, because three lines of mediocre poetry is pointless. I'm sorry to say, this doesn't fit into what I would call 'done well.' It's too hollow. I know, it's hard to make something solid out of three lines, but if you can pull it off I'll respect you a whole lot. I'll stop rambling, but remember that if you don't think you can achieve everything you wanted in three lines, don't use a haiku to write down your idea.

As I always tell people, feel free to completely disregard my advice.

I don't care whether it is a haiku or something else.
It should have sense or have some meaning, that is what really matters.

In the above poem it had a sought of meaning but the second line is confusing.

I liked the last line but not the second line. I understand the second line but think it should be re- phrased.

Hmmm. I'm a little disappointed that nobody who commented on this poem actually understood it's meaning, which is odd because everyone I've showed it too before this understood it. Also I find it strange that this was one of my most well recieved poems up until this point. Ah well, perhaps there's still time for someone to figure this one out.

I'm more adept in prose than poetry. But haikus always a good puzzle, a challenge to write something in so little. It tends to be better at impressions, images than ideas.

I have only half a minute, more or less, to comment--then I've got work (and I can think about it a bit more).

Quick question to clarify: Is it intentionally

bent wrote:God you're beautiful

or is it

God, [comma pause?] you're beautiful

?

I'll be back, hopefully, with more thought. ^_^


IMP

It is meant to be "God, you're beautiful".