That Unknown Feeling Chapter 3

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"Mom! Dad! Lu!" I shouted. My paws pounded on the pavement as I raced back to my house. The scent of fire was in the air and I became afraid. I crashed head-first into my home and frantically looked around. "Mom! Dad! Lu!" No answer. I tore through every part of the house; I still found no evidence of my family. Running downstairs from my room, I stepped in a puddle of something sticky and warm. I lifted up my paw and gasped. Blood dripped from my paw; the smell sickening and sweet at the same time. My eyes followed the source of the puddle and saw it led outside. My body took over for my mind led me out to the backyard. The puddle changed into a blood trail of footsteps and I continued to go after the blood. I didn't realize how far I had walked until I saw my school looming I front of me. I paused and I feared the worst. I remained still until I heard an ear piercing scream coming from the school. My instincts sparked into hyper-drive and I sped into the building.

"Help! Anybody please help!" I heard my friends scream. Thundering down the hall at top speed, I turned a corner and crashed into someone.

"Megan!" I shouted as I grabbed her shoulders. She looked at me with scared eyes, full of fear and worry. "Megan, it's me. Mukuka."

"Mukuka?" Megan's eyes finally focused on me and she gasped. "Oh, my gosh. Mukuka, we really need your help. Someone, they captured us and they said that they'll kill us unless you came and-"

"Megan! Calm down. Start from the beginning and tell me everything." She explained everything to me and I began to smolder. I led her outside to safety and ran back inside. I found the rest of my friends and family all thrown into a small room. They all cowered behind desks and chairs when I broke down the door. I ran up to my family and saw that they were all crying. I heard a hiss behind me and I snarled.

"How pathetic." A voice said, "She wants to save her family and friends." I turned around and ignited my fur.

"Shut up, you Shadower." I snarled. A figure appeared and hissed at me. "What do you want?"

"The usual. World domination, the race of Hellwolves eradicated from the face of the earth. Stuff like that."

"What does my family and friends have to do this? I thought this was just between you and me."

"Well, I want you to know what true pain looks and feels like." The figure purred while strolling over to my friends. I didn't dare take a step towards him, but a growl rumbled form my throat. "So either you let me kill you without hurting the ones you love, or you try to save them which would be useless." His body kept shifting to mist as he played with my mind. The Shadower floated over to them and toyed with my best friend (and crush)’s hair. That totally set me over the top and I exploded. I charged at the Shadower and tackled him. I slashed across his face and bit into his chest. Panic engulfed the room and everyone rushed out. The Shadower threw me off and slammed me into the ground. I stood up, but then claws dug into my back. I howled and grabbed the Shadower’s neck. More claws scratched my flanks and I loosened my grip. “You see? You worthless Hellwolf, you can’t even beat me in my weakened form.” The Shadower chuckled. I snarled and leapt for him again, but a wall of darkness hit me hard. I was knocked out for a moment and then I jumped back to my senses. I tried to charge back at the Shadower again, but for some reason I couldn’t. “I’m guessing you haven’t realized that I’m using my evil wall of darkness against you.” The Shadower chuckled. He strolled over to me and kicked me right in the chest. I fell onto my side and coughed up some blood.

“That’s what you called it?” I choked, “Your evil wall of darkness? That’s a frightening name.” Another kick was planted into my chest and I yelped. I rolled onto my back and felt something heavy land on my torso. Moving all around, I tried to shake off the gigantic foot that held me down.

“Oh, quit trying! It’s no use. Your friends and family are as good as dead. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” I growled and clawed his leg. He hissed and kicked me in the face. I was instantly knocked out again. The last thing I heard was the sound of the Shadower laughing.

***

When I finally opened my eyes again, I found myself back in my bedroom. I fell out of bed and blinked the sleep out of my eyes. I started shaking, and for a while I couldn’t stop.

I can’t let that happen again. Not again. I crashed into my kitchen and slumped into one of the chairs. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to blink them away.

”It’s no use. That’s your past and you can’t get rid of it.

“Shut up. I don’t care. I want it out of my life.”

”Too bad. You can’t do anything about it.”

“Shut up! And leave me alone.”

”No, I won’t! You need to realize that you can’t get rid of the past.”

“Get out of my head!” I grabbed the closest thing I could hold and slammed it to the ground. Glass shattered all around me and I finally cried. Sobs shook my body from the inside out. My head thrown onto the table in anger and sorrow, I stayed there for the rest of the day and night. Even when the moon shone down on me from the nearby window, I didn’t move at all.

”You will never change the past. It is impossible to do so.” I sighed and passed out, ignoring that stupid voice in my head. ”It will never be changed.
Remember who you are. You are my son, the one true king. Remember!X)




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Whoa. That was intense! I love it! I love your descriptions. I don't think I found a single mis-spelled words. Your grammar was, almost entirely, perfect. I only found a few errors to be fixed! Great job!

Firstly, this:
Blood dripped from my paw; the smell sickening and sweet at the same time.

When you use a semi-colon, it's almost like you're starting a new sentence.
the smell sickening and sweet at the same time

That's not a complete sentence- you need a verb. There are several different ways you could phrase this that would be a complete sentence.
"Blood dripped from my paw; the smell was sickening and sweet at the same time."
"Blood dripped from my paw, the smell sickening and sweet at the same time."
Etc...
Also, when Megan is trying to tell Mukuka that someone captured them, it is phrased a little strangely.
Someone, they captured us and they said that they'll kill us unless you came and-

Do you see how that seems a little odd? For me, it disrupts the flow. I'm being really nit-picky right now, but I think it'd be better just to say, "Someone captured us..." or something.

But other than that, it's great!

Oh, and when this is going on:
”It’s no use. That’s your past and you can’t get rid of it.

“Shut up. I don’t care. I want it out of my life.”

”Too bad. You can’t do anything about it.”

“Shut up! And leave me alone.”

”No, I won’t! You need to realize that you can’t get rid of the past.”


Is she like at war with herself or something? Is the italic her subconscious mind "talking" to her? Or is there something else going on? (I'm not saying this is a problem, I'm just curious.




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Thanks, HollowPoint! You know, i'm glad that youre helping me with constructive criticism. it actually helps and it works out! Just to let you know, i'll leave the subconscious arguments as a little surprise for you to find out.
Remember who you are. You are my son, the one true king. Remember!X)



It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer