Am I Perfect Yet? (1)

I always had the same question ever since I was little. "Am I ever going to be perfect yet?". Throughout my life-time, it has been a very long journey. I don't even know where to start. I guess I should start when I was 12 years old. That's practically all I could remember.
My name was Roselle but people called me "Rose" for short. I always wore sweatshirts and jeans because I was always too afraid to show my body. Part of it me being to skinny and part of it I always had cuts and bruises. I never cut or tried to hurt my self, but the cuts and bruises are a different story that I will eventually get to. I went a private school and it was horrible there. There were fights in every hallway of the school and there were also a bunch of preps. I barely had any friends in this school. I only had one. Her name was Jamie. She was basically the other quiet girl in my grade. Everyone except me and Jamie were loud, crazy, or just a stuck up snob. Here is where my story begins.
I would have to say interacting at my school was terrible for me. No one really liked me except for my friend Jamie. She was a sweetheart. The most devastating that happened to me was when Kelly Baum pantsed me in gym class. Here is what happened. We were playing volleyball and I was very sucky so Kelly decided to announce that to the whole 7th grade. Of course everyone knew. "Rosey!! Want to come over to my crew!?" That was Kelly's way of trying to be nice to me but really it was her evil scheme of bullying me. I never knew if she was going to bully me or not so I decided to go over there when it was break time. As I was gradually walking over to her crew, I could see that Jamie was warning me out of the corner of my eye. She had always had an eye for danger but this time could be different. "What do you want Kelly?" I said in a demanding tone. I wanted to show her that I had no fear.
"I just wanted to show you something. Close your eyes,"
As I did, she immediately pantsed me! This is basically my life in front of the preps. Now, I just stay a huge distance away from them.
I wouldn't say Jamie is my best friend even though I have been to her place thousands of times. But I just didn't know when was the right time for her to come over to my place. My parents never let me know when they're going out somewhere. So, after school I had to let down Jamie again that she couldn't come over to my place. I felt really bad. As I walked home, I was completely embarrassed by the loud music coming from my house. Oh great. Another day where something bad is going to happen. As I walked into my house, I immediately screamed, "Could you turn it down!?!?"
"If you say that one more time little girl, I will bring out sharp thing!" My dad always tortured me with the "sharp thing". It was a belt. My dad was just so confusing because sometimes he whipped the belt on me and sometimes he didn't. My mom never did a thing when I got home from school. Only at night time. In the day, she works at a retail store. So, I decided to give it a try by talking back to my dad. "Fine. I will say it again. Will you turn it down!?"
"No!"
So, that was that. I immediately walked over to the stereo and turned it down. 10 seconds later, he brought out his belt, pushed me to the ground and whipped me as hard as he could. I had 5 bruises on my legs and he also gave me a black eye. I wish I could escape to Jamie's when ever I could.
The next day at lunch was very interesting for me. Jamie wasn't there so I tried to sit with another group of people. There was 2 girls sitting at the far right of the lunch room. They looked extremely nice. One had black gothic hair and gothic clothes. Just because those type of people dress that way doesn't mean that they aren't nice. Another girl was wearing a black and plaid red shirt, blue skinny jeans and she had messy brown hair in pigtails. I couldn't wait to meet them.
I walked over to the group and introduced myself."Hey, My friend isn't here today so I was wondering if I could sit with you guys? I'm Roselle but people call me Rose,"
"Hey Rose! I'm Angie and this goth girl is Finn."
"Angie!? stop labeling me that!" she gave a little friendly punch.
"So, Angie and Finn, I don't think I have any classes with you this year so.. I was wondering if I could maybe get to know you guys better?"
"Sure! I'll go first. I may seem like a major social butterfly but Finn is practically my only friend and she has had my back ever since I was born. I like to hang out with her, swim, go to the park on a daily basis."
"Ok, I'll go next. I actually used to have a lot friends back when I lived in Texas but now everyone just can't accept the fact that I dress like this. Also, some people here are scared of me because I just released at the beginning of the year that I'm lesbian,"
"Oh, do you have a girl friend?" I asked.
"No, people here are to much alike so.. no,"
"Well, It's almost time to go and Finn and I have to go all the way off campus to get to our next class, it was nice meeting you! maybe we will talk to you next time?"
"Sure! You can also maybe meet my friend Jamie!"
"See ya Rose!" Finn waved.
I had a feeling this year was going to be filled with some major ups or major downs.

Hello! I'm here to review!

First, the beginning is......not the best. In many stories, people don't directly talk to the reader unless it's a journal. I think the story would sound better if it was. Cut out "here it goes" and "I guess I should start" It sounds bad (Trying not to be harsh! <3). It's quite short, but that's how you made it....in many short beginnings authors are very descriptive. Try to make it more colorful. Be more descriptive when describing Jamie; also, in the third paragraph don't start off every sentence saying Jamie's name. Here's a tip, since this is so short, if more then one sentence has the same beginning word as another, then change it. For example, don't start off two sentences with the word "the". It'll make it more interesting and can help with your description .

Just keep trying and I hope I'm not being harsh! I liked it!

Hello there!

Well, I think this is a good start, that gives you a good idea of who Roselle is and what she's about. This might sound a little contrary but I think you might have told a little too much, in the sense that you need to do some good ol fashioned Show Not Telling here. I'd like to see how Roselle interacts with these "preps" and why she doesn't fit in with them. I like to see how her parents are abusive alcoholics. There's a lot you're just telling the reader, with out giving time to show it, and that's what writing's all about

I get the sense too that you're struggling with this beginning a bit. You keep saying "This is where the story starts," which shows that you don't really know where the story starts yet. My suggestion would be to skip all the introduction, and immediately jump into a scene. Start with dialogue, or a description of the weather, or some action. I think that would help you a lot.

Hope this helps, and wasn't too harsh! You have an interesting story idea going for you but it just needs a little cleaning up haha

Thanks for the critiquing guys!! xD I fixed it up A LOT and I would appreciate it if you tell me what you think of the new version. :}

Hello Scarlet.

Am I ever going to be perfect yet?

Get rid of the quotation marks and the period and just put it in italics to show it's a thought.

I guess I should start when I was 12 years old.

Just like Halo, I don't really like this part... I would recommend you just taking it off, or replace it by: It all began when I was twelve years old. Or something like that.

Part of it was because I was too me being to skinny and part of it was because I always had cuts and bruises. I never cut or tried to hurt myself, but the cuts and bruises were a different story that I will eventually get to.

Again, the part in bold... Not a fan of it. It's too personal (I'm not sure how to explain myself).

Here was where my story began.

Here is what happened.

Take this sentence off, you don't need it in the story.

Another day where something bad was going to happen.

"Could you turn it down?"

One question mark is more then enough. If you want to make something stand out, you could always put one or two words in italics so when we read it, we add attitude or hear it louder then the other words.

In the day, she worked at a retail store.

I wished I could escape to Jamie's whenever I could.

"Angie? stop labeling me that!" she gave a little friendly punch.
"So, Angie and Finn, I don't think I have any classes with you this year so.. I was wondering if I could maybe get to know you guys better?"

I think it's awkward that she asks that. I think you should just let them talk and divulge the information into it.

"Oh, do you have a girlfriend?" I asked.

Plot wise, I think it's missing a lot, but since it's only the first part, I'm hoping it's going to be in the second part.
Also, you need to revise your story and proof read it since I found a lot of verb tense mistakes and such. I recommend you stick with one tense and try to read through your story a few days after you've written it so you can catch those mistakes. Read it aloud, it will help you.

Keep it up, you are doing a great job!

-Other One

Hey there. Not a bad start.

I agree with all of the above critiques, but I found a few other things...

I've always had the same question ever since I was little. "Am I ever going to be perfect yet?"

I agree that perhaps jumping into a scene here would be a good idea. Show us, don't tell us. The background on meeting Jamie and such is alright, but here...

The most devastating thing that happened to me was when Kelly Baum pantsed me in gym class.

Is a good place to actually take us into the action.

"If you say that one more time little girl, I will bring out the sharp thing!" My dad always tortured me with the "sharp thing".

Alrighty. No offense, but this seems a little over-the-top. The fact that he verbally threatens her with the 'sharp thing' just doesn't sounds realistic. Maybe have him convey this message through a glance or something, and show us Rose's knowledge of what it means.

Also, Rose seems...disconnected from the beating. Like I said, if you were to use less narration, and put us inside her head, it would be a little more powerful.

I'm Roselle but people call me Rose,"

Just a suggestion, but maybe have her introduce herself as just Rose. It could provide some character development in later chapters if the girls don't know her full name (perhaps they could either tease her about it or find it interesting).

This exchange seems almost like an interview. You basically get both of their life stories in one go-around. Consider carrying some of it over into later chapters. "I'll go first" and "I'll go next" seem unnatural, and very rarely would someone reveal right away that they are lesbian, or only have one friend.

Anyways, hope this helped. You're doing well so far. Keep up the good work!

Hi Scarlet!

I only have one grammer-y comment:

I guess I should start when I was 12 years old.

As a rule, any number under 100 should be written out. So, twelve instead of 12.

I think you have a pretty good start here. As a first part to what I'm assuming is a longer story, it's a good introduction to your character and her situation. However, there are a few things that could be done to make it a more effective opening.

Showing and Telling
In writing, prose can basically be broken into two types: showing prose and telling prose. Basically, telling prose is when you, the writer, tells what is happening and showing prose is when the characters show what is happening. For example:
Stacy walked into the graveyard and was scared.
Or,
Stacy stepped through the rusted gates of the old graveyard, and immediately felt the hair on the back of her neck stand on end and a million little goosebumps run over her arms. Her heart thudded in her chest as she continued through the rows of headstones.

With the second example, the reader can visualize that Stacy is scared without it being explicitly told. This makes for a more interesting and exciting story and opens a lot of good opportunities to expand on characters and their personalities. Showing can also be used to give a lot of information to the reader without it coming out in long lists of facts that aren't very interesting to read.

For example, with the first paragraph or so of this chapter it could be changed up to utilize more showing techniques. Perhaps Rose could be walking through the hallway of her school, thinking about things as she saw them in the hallway (fights, girls whispering/pointing at her, meeting up with her friend Jamie, etc). It'll help make things more dynamic and active, which is always more interesting to read.
Here's a great article that talks a lot more about showing and telling, you should check it out!

Realism
The only other big thing I wanted to point out is realism. Every story needs a good sense of realism about it to keep it believable and keep a reader in the world of the story. When something stands out as super unrealistic, the reader has to stop to think about it and break their concentration on the story. Here's one example in this chapter:

"If you say that one more time little girl, I will bring out sharp thing!" My dad always tortured me with the "sharp thing". It was a belt. My dad was just so confusing because sometimes he whipped the belt on me and sometimes he didn't. My mom never did a thing when I got home from school. Only at night time. In the day, she works at a retail store. So, I decided to give it a try by talking back to my dad. "Fine. I will say it again. Will you turn it down!?"
"No!"
So, that was that. I immediately walked over to the stereo and turned it down. 10 seconds later, he brought out his belt, pushed me to the ground and whipped me as hard as he could. I had 5 bruises on my legs and he also gave me a black eye. I wish I could escape to Jamie's when ever I could.

Thinking realistically, it's strange for Rose to be so calm about this. Particularly with the sense of her personality we get in this chapter. As a victim of abuse, it would seem more realistic for her to fear her abusers and to avoid bringing more abuse on herself (which she doesn't do here). Unless, of course, she has a good reason to provoke her abusers (I have no idea what that would be). Or maybe she has some weird mental state that allows her to be detatched when she's being abused/makes her somehow want to be abused (which would be weird - though rather interesting - but probably not suited for this story xD). Or maybe she's an extremely trusting person, because something in her past has caused her to be this way despite the abuse her parents shovel on her.

Either way, if there's a reason for her to be so detached and calm about being abused, then the reader should get to hear about it. If not, then the way she responds to the abuse should be adjusted so that it makes sense in the realm of the story/her personality.

Parts with her being bullied could also use a dash of realism. On her part, if she's been bullied so much why is she so trusting? (could be for similar reasons to her abuse situation). Also, her bullies scream of generic-teen-girl-drama-villian. Why do they bully her? Do they have a reason? Motivation is key, even in real life high schools. No one bullies someone else without a reason (unless they're just sadistic, which probably leads to more problems than just high school bullying).

So, in closing, this is a good start! It just needs some fleshing out, some showing, and a sprinkle of realism and you'll be on your way to a great story. I'd like to see more of Stacy, don't be afraid to explore her personality and her thoughts/feelings/emotions more. If you have any questions, or would like another review if you were to post more of this story, feel free to shoot me a PM!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

ok!!

Okay so I did think there was some improvement in this draft! You did make an effort to show, but I think you could have done with leaving out the telling you did before, i.e. Roselle's relationship with the "preps" and Jamie. You were able to show all of this, so there was no reason to state it in the beginning.

I think you still need to pick a way to jump into the story, without all of the introduction, that basically tells us Roselle's entire story -- this goes back to my earlier comments about taking out all the telling. I would suggest starting with the day that Roselle has lunch with the two girls.

This brings me to the dialogue. It doesn't feel quite natural. Can you imagine yourself actually saying this to a person? I know you want to move the plot along, but this isn't really how people interact, is it? It might help to try speaking your dialogue out loud, so you get a sense of how realistic it is.

You also need to make this a little more linear, I think. I get the sense that you were really trying to show not tell but instead of letting the story itself do the telling, you felt like you had to stop and explain things with a random scene. This is an improvement, but I think you would do better to let the plot of the story to carry these explanations.

I agree with the above comments about your handling of Roselle's abuse, as well as thinking about the motives of Roselle's actions.

I'm glad you've been so gracious about the criticism! You're really going to become a great writer that way

Thanks! I will really try to jump into the plot more once I write the second chapter.

Hi Scarlet. Here as requested. I probably won't go into too much depth since you've already gotten so many good reviews, but I'll do my best to give you a good review.

Firstly, I'll start with the beginning. Like the other reviewers, I believe that Rose revealed too much information about herself. While it does give readers a sense of who she is and what she has been through but it's too much for readers to take in and that much information is best revealed overtime through the plot, characters, and even dialogue.

I think it would be better if you started the beginning of your story in the gym during the game of volleyball where Kelly humiliated Rose. It would be a good opportunity to show how people treat Rose at school, and it would be interesting. Also, it would make readers feel sorry for the way Rose is treated at school. Then maybe this would be the right time to mention a little bit about Rose's friendship with Jasmine.

Now, onto the scene of Rose at home with her father. Maybe it's just a personal opinion, but I wasn't too sure that it belonged in this chapter. Mostly, this chapter is about Rose's life at school. To me, this scene is out of place in this chapter. I think it would be better if you saved this scene or one like this for later on in the story. Also, it was a little strange to me how Rose reacted when her she turned off the radio even though she knew her father would beat her. Maybe that’s just her personality, but the expected reaction for her would be to fear her father.

And lastly, I’ll talk about the scene when Rose meets Angie and Finn. Again, maybe’s it’s just my personal opinion, but it seemed strange to me that for someone who is abused by her father and bullied at school that she would approach Angie and Finn. To me, it would make more sense that they would approach her. But again that’s just what I think.

Overall: Though this review may have sounded a little harsh, I actually liked this chapter. It definitely has potential. Rose is an interesting character who has been through a lot, and I look forward to learning more about her personality in the future chapters. And I definitely look forward to seeing how Rose’s relationship develops with Finn and Angie. I can’t wait to read more. If you have any questions about this review, feel free to pm me. Hope I helped and good luck with your writing.

Hello there.
I know there's already alot of reviews here, but I thought I might as well give my opinion. There is alot of stuff going on here. The abuse, the best-friend,, and the bullies. I think you should just focus on one thing. The dialogue seemed a nit awkward too. But it's all up to you.

I really like this. It's a gritty realism which a lot of girls are familiar with. Thanks.