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Bolshevik wrote:

21st Emancipation of Joy

I sing the praises of high metal Jesus,
Determined to draw man through his sheets
Before the sun rises!
Everyone is going to fall bedside sometime,
Life is a bittersweet pill to sniff
Every now and then!
I sing of love for gases and Jesus,
I long for the love of hotel infernos
After the dawn has left!
I bow to the almighty window maker,
Accurate in the afternoon as he was
In the middle of the day!
I sing the praises of high metal Jesus,
Reigning on grasses above carpet bag controllers
By the time the day has faded!
I wonder sometimes why the world is so cruel,
Demarcated odors not joyous solemnities
Before the moon has shined!
I sing with love for you OH! Jesus-
Walking down the street in summer
After the Blitzkrieg has ended.

Hey Bol,
So I'm renegging my word, y'know a new leaf and stuff. So I'll be short here and quick to the point. Stop. Trying. So. Hard. Don't think. That was my problem for so long in life. I thought too damn much. Everything was a thought. Thoughts that lead to more thoughts.
So you have something to say, GREAT! I want to see what it is, BUT, think about the way I see it. First a few things about who I am, your general reader:

1. I am fickle. I am picky about aesthetic appeal and will let you know if you're fat or tough to understand, and GOOD GOD, if you try to design a beige living room like my mother or my friend's mother I'LL LET YOU KNOW in front of all of your friends. Hint: impress me with simplicity, impress me by surprising me; don't present me MEANING. This is showing, not telling.

2. I am vain. I mean, I AM THE BEST READER, right? I have some great insight, and obviously YOU connected to me, so why else am I acting like you asked me to prom and I'm thinking of what dress to wear and how you'll think I'll look and what questions to ask you and who to show off in front of, and oh, I'll ask you about my shoes to see if you have the same taste as me! Point: Relate to me. I may be tough, but I'm your reader, and you the writer, need me the reader.

3. I am easily distracted. Sometimes I imagine people are like Charlie Brown's teacher and everyone is Linus WAHWAHWAHWAHWAAAAAWAAAAWAAHHH....oh, we were talking about religious strife and social strai WAHWAH. See, I think you have something interesting to say but, there's wall between us, and it's making every moment awkward. Key: Be simple, look at your word choice, and make it flow completely diction wise. OH, but that's not that simple because you themes need to have emotional impact AND, they need to be again, relatabel to me. Otherwise it's like watching the President talk, or listening to grandparents, teachers, etc.

I see what you're trying, but is this the spirit of our times now? Think about your voice Bol and look at your experiences. I'd love to meet that voice, k, but enough trying so hard. We don't need another Ginsberg/Larkin today.

Bolshevik wrote:21st Emancipation of Joy


I sing the praises of high metal Jesus, Already very intriguing!
Determined to draw man through his sheets
Before the sun rises!
Everyone is going to fall bedside sometime,
Life is a bittersweet pill to sniff
Every now and then! Very good metaphor, but seems a little cliched, or at least I think I've heard it somewhere before... Probably just my wayward mind.
I sing of love for gases and Jesus,
I long for the love of hotel infernos
After the dawn has left! These three lines I didn't quite understand.
I bow to the almighty window maker,
Accurate in the afternoon as he was
In the middle of the day!
I sing the praises of high metal Jesus,
Reigning on grasses above carpet bag controllers I love the industrial quality this poem has!
By the time the day has faded!
I wonder sometimes why the world is so cruel,
Demarcated odors not joyous solemnities
Before the moon has shined!
I sing with love for you OH! Jesus-
Walking down the street in summer
After the Blitzkrieg has ended.Very good last line - conclusive and simple.

Wow- your poetry impresses me. like I said, I love the industrial quality, and I think you have a very unique style of writing.

A few nitpicks I have are that "High metal Jesus" puts me in mind of heavy metal bands, and I don't think that was the impression you wanted. Also, some of your lines seemed a little blunt. Or was that intentional?

A very good poem- I would be proud.

Keep writing!