Thrice the Year

Will you scream out for me,
While you are dying?
Want me there because I am far away?
Because you miss me?

Well,
I do not believe you cared.
In fact,
I know you did not.

You ignored me,
Left me.
I miss you,
Want you here.
You are missing everything

You are lost in my world,
You made my world hurt,
Made my heart bleed,
Made me cry tears anew.

You say you care,
Say you feel my hurt,
But I know you do not.
Not at all.
You do not feel my pain.

Yes,
You had a similar situation
Though not the same.
Nowhere near my pain

You've never felt it,
Never known,
You will never,
Ever,
Know it.

Just keep in mind,
It is your entire fault.
It will always be your fault.
You give excuses and
Excuses.

You don't call
Because
You said it hurts you
To see me hurt
Though
You are making it
Worse
And hurt more.

I guess you really don't care
What happens to me.
Or us.
You left us,
All her fault,
She blinded you
Nothing will ever be the same
Again.

You will never win my love
And respect
Back.
You threw it away
I will not trust
Like before.

I am incapable,
Because of you.
It is your entime fault.
Like usual,
I let you in.

You know,
That trust thing?
Well, you had it.
You had my trust.
When you left, you
Chewed it up and
Abused it.

Just like you abused me
So now,
I trust none.
Because if you let anyone in,
They have the advantage and
The capability to hurt you.
You never know who will
Hurt you.
Just like she did,
She hurt me.
She yelled at me,
And you stood there
And cried.
You cried!
You watched and did nothing!
Watched me hurt.

Did you try to help?
No.
So how can I believe if
You wanted to?

We had been sitting there,
You in the chair,
Me on the couch.
I was crying
When you said
"I'm leaving"

Previously, you had been gone
For three days.
You walked in and I ran to you.
I asked where you had been.
Then you sat me down
And told me.

You made so many promises.
Every month,
Every night.
My world shattered,
Crumbling around me.
What was left,
Was flooding
With my tears.
I couldn't breathe.

To this day,
I relive it.
Playing it over and over,
Just like a sad song.

It never leaves me,
It haunts me.
The anger,
The pain,
Never leaves.

Not for one second,
Do I have peace of mind.
The demons inside me
Take over.
Someone will speak, and
I will black out.

Free fall inside my own body.
Fall forever
Though, in reality,
I'm speaking,
Moving,
Living.

Like someone is living it
For me.
I see through
My own eyes,
Though, someone else is living.

My eyes
Rain at night,
Just like the sky.
My worst fear.
God is only mocking me,
Saying I am
Not allowed to be happy.

My heart beats
Twice the speed of light
To get myself not to cry.
Get a grip,
It has been like this
For a long time.
It will never change

The pain is
Never ending.
The anger is an
Ever burning inferno
Inside my heart,
Killing me slowly.

I try to push on,
To move forward.
To live on,
And build a legacy.
Make a story
About a girl who lived
Dead inside.
All alone, although
Surrounded.
But so you know,
It all happened,
Thrice the year

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73ufwrT_Ov4&feature=autoplay&list=WL7F40844A29B451D9&index=9&playnext=8

That was so. . powerful. So much feeling, really well written. I'm not the best at grammar so I won't even attempt to grammar check. But it was amazing, and I think the best poems come from emotion, and grammar is just so people can understand what your saying. If you have enough emotion in your poems then the grammar won't matter as much. That's just me.

Thanks! I really appreciate that :]

Hello there, I'm here as requested.

First off, I want to say that your format discouraged me a lot. It's a huge line, and you have two or three words in a line... It's so long.
I don't know if the format is important for you and it's 'part' of the peom, but if it isn't, I would recommend you re-format it so it's in stanzas and longer sentences instead of a couple words per lines.

Now, to go on with the review! You didn't put any punctuation at all throughout the peom, but I think it would help with the tone and the flow if you did. So the suggestions are there.

Also, you could have seperated this into stanzas. Again, these are only suggestions. If you don't like it that way, and want to leave it the way it was, it's fine. I'm just giving you my opinion.

Alliaaryn5665 wrote:Will you scream out for me
While you are dying?
Want me there
Because I am far away comma,
Because you miss me ?

Well comma,
I do not believe you cared period.
In fact comma,
I know you did not period.

You ignored me comma,
Left me period.
I miss you comma,
Want you here period.
You are missing everything

You are lost in my world comma,
You made my world hurt comma,
Made my heart bleed comma,
Made me cry tears anew period.

You say you care comma,
Say you feel my hurt comma,
But I know you do not period.
Not at all period.
You do not feel my pain period.

Yes comma,
You had a similar situation
Though not the same period.
Nowhere near my pain

You've never felt it comma,
Never known comma,
You will never comma,
Ever comma,
Know it period.

Just keep in mind
It is your entire fault comma,
It will always be your fault period.
You give excuses and
Excuses period.
You don't call
Because you said it hurts you
To see me hurt
Though
You are making it worse
And hurt more period.

I guess you really don't care
What happens to me period.
Or us period.
You left us comma,
All her fault comma,
She blinded you
Nothing will ever be the same
Again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73ufwrT_Ov4&feature=autoplay&list=WL7F40844A29B451D9&index=9&playnext=8

So I guess you get the point? I think it's a little bit easier on the eyes.

The peom itself was great. Yes, it was long, but it was good. The emotions were great, and you expressed them very well.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Wow, this was just amazing. I can really feel your depth of emotion here. It's really sad and heartfelt. I can't really find anything wrong with this, except for the things the reviewer above me mentioned. Oh, actually one thing.

It is your entime fault

I think this should be 'entire'.

But I don't want to criticize too much, because I just liked it too much! Some of my favorite parts...

Will you scream out for me
While you are dying

I really like this.

Though
Not the same
No where near
My pain
You've never felt it
Never known
You will never
Ever
Know it

I really like this section and how you have 'ever' here. That one little word adds so much to it.

Nothing will ever be the same
Again

This simple line just touched my heart.

I was crying
When you said
"I'm leaving"

My world shattered
Crumbling around me
What was left
Was flooding
With my tears
I couldn't breathe
To this day
I relive it
Playing it over and over
Just like a sad song
It never leaves me
It haunts me
The anger
The pain
Never leaves
Not for one second
Do I have peace of mind

One of my most favorite parts! I like how you describe 'playing it over and over again, just like a sad song.'

Living
Like someone is living it
For me
I see through
My own eyes
Though someone else
Is living

I can really feel her sense of disconnection to the world, emotions, and herself. It's like she's shut herself off so she won't have to feel anything. We can really feel the depth of her grief through this.

My eyes
Rain at night
Just like the sky

This description was just so beautiful.

The pain is
Never ending
The anger is an
Ever burning inferno
Inside my heart
Killing me slowly

I really like this part.

Okay, so I'm probably just rambling now, but I just really enjoyed your piece. I read it three times in a row, and I still couldn't get enough! lol Maybe that is creepy of me, though... Anyway, excellent job! Tahnks for sharing!

<..> Kat