Let's start with a criticism: you don't need to capitalized the first word in every line, follow the punctuation. But otherwise, it was vivid and beautiful. I was entertained and I thought it was beautiful. I would like to congratulate you and creating a masterpiece, Keep Writing!
Excellent, yes, this is probably on its way to being a masterpiece, but not quite yet, a couple years of refining and yah, we'll see this in the New Yorker, but anyway,
I like the quirky rhyme scheme, a b a b a b a till I die is really old, but just stay away from anything cliche, like
and especially the unkind,
I don't really think that fits, may be the only line that doesn't, many "smart" people are very unkind about it...
Anyway, personally, I don't agree with you, though there can be many definitions of what is an aquired mind, I don't really like "intellectuals" I don't like "cultured" people, but you obviously do, and that is cool, I hope you find a professor some day....
LOL, just kidding, this was great, I just don't like what you like in people, but maybe I am taking "aquired" the wrong way, maybe you mean "nice" or "mature" not just "smart" --but that is the one problem here, at least for me, "aquired" is VERY vague, maybe something a bit more concrete, but vague can work as well, this is poetry isn't it?
great, with a bit more, you should definitely find a place to submit this, you will be famous...
as we all wish we were!
Message me for anything, I am nicer than my reviews seem, sorry if this comes off a bit blunt.
"This is our decision, to live fast and die young... Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce, find some more models; everything must run its course!
Really all I have to say is AMAZING! The poem is great, I love the message that runs through it all. The way you discribe yourself through all those things, amazing really. Natural talent if I should say. Im really glad I could read some of your wonderful work, Im hoping to see more of it soon!
~Lady Death~
Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light
Ola every one. Thanks for the reviews; both the criticism and the praise. At Ignatius; thanks for the tip and I've tried to apply it in my most recent post named "I Died With You; Why Am I Still Alive?". Maybe you could review that too?
At Bolshevik. Thank you for the criticism and I'm glad you asked for clarification because your perception of this poem seems to be slightly skewed. At no point did I mention anything about intellectuals. Perhaps you may have gotten the idea from the title?
When I wrote this poem, my main focus was basically on people I invite into my life. I just meant that there are certain kinds of people I shoo away because of their personalities. In other words, I'm sort of picky when it comes to choosing friends close to the bosom. I don't turn them away as acquaintances but my relationships with many people doesn't go further than that. I also never turn someone away because they might not be on the same intellectual level as I.
Apart from that, I think that's all I really needed to clarify with you. I thank you for your honest review, it means a lot. And don't worry about being blunt, I prefer that over someone sugarcoating their words just to make me feel good. I'd rather be saved with criticism than ruined with praise.
All of you have definitely given me quite a bit to think about.
Cheers, Nafe
A writer is someone who finds writing more diffucult than everyone else.-Not quite sure who said this but it's kinda true don't you think.
