Suffocating

There are feathers.
Pressing down.
On my chest.
And I.
Can’t.
Breathe.

I’m suffocating under your words
And every thought you speak
Is an overload of emotion.

Each feather. Weighs.
A ton.
You stand. Above me.
Dropping more.
Smiling.
Because you. Don’t.
Know. It hurts.

It would benefit me to lie,
At this point. To convince myself
I don’t need you.
But you’re too addicting.
And I keep on coming back.

You tie me. To a.
Cannon ball.
Feathers fall.
And suddenly, I can breathe.
But then you unwittingly light the end.
And I’m flying through the air,
Falling, falling, falling.
And suffocating.
Under the.
Water.

I’m trying to test myself.
To see how long I can last without you.
To see if I can clear my mind,
And come out the forest alive.

I wait.
Alone.
Tired.
Suffocating.
And when you pull me out of the water,
The first thing you do is
Pile. Feathers. On my chest.

I’m suffocating from your love.
I need to know; are you suffocating, too?
Because if you are,
We could breathe together.

*Gasp* you did such an amazing job with this that I could feel the suffocation of the narrator! I actually stopped breathing during each of those stanzas where you had the really. Short. Sentences. It was so effective, like the narrator is gasping for breath and only. Getting out. That much. At. A time. It was intense. Awesome. Job.

This was great, I can truly say that I have never read anything like this, so inventive.

Though I don't know about the stanzas that get away from the quick punctuation, you know, the descriptive ones, maybe I read it too fast, but your punctuation does that, it really works well.

The last stanza was great, but maybe you should go with the suffocating theme more, draw it through to the end, maybe to a Death?

I loved this and I will like it.

bravo!

"Young Cjscoot has turned the world of poetry upside down with a little piece of guenius she has called Sufocating. Become entranced as her words blend and flow as smoothly as the ocean waves and marvel as breath leaves your lungs. The only thing to say is readers beware, you just might sufocate."

Brilliant!

Veritas

I'm simply blown away, sorry I'm no help but amazing job, I loved the short sentences it was very creative and made me stop breathing every time, I'm in awe... I love the ending as well.

I'm simply blown away, sorry I'm no help but amazing job, I loved the short sentences it was very creative and made me stop breathing every time, I'm in awe... I love the ending as well.

Hello there.

cjscoot wrote:There are feathers.
Pressing down.
On my chest.
And I.
Can’t.
Breathe.

This has an interesting starting but the stop ruins the flow of the stanza. It makes the reader to stop at place which does not need a pause. The stops are not necessary to break a line. Use commas or not even commas, you can just break the line without any punctuation. And the last three lines of this stanza do not sound good while separated into different lines. You better keep them in one single line then it’ll sound better while reading.

cjscoot wrote:And every thought you speak

Good line. Every thought you speak is really good. Like it.

cjscoot wrote:Is an overload of emotion.

Overload does not fit in this line properly. Why not use something else, like burden.

cjscoot wrote:Each feather. Weighs.
A ton.
You stand. Above me.
Dropping more.
Smiling.
Because you. Don’

Again here I would say to replace the stops with commas. It again is ruining the stanza as in it did in the first one. You should keep the “know” in the second last line rather in the last line. It sounds a bit discontinued like this.

cjscoot wrote:And come out the forest alive.

There will be a “of” after out in this line. But how did you end up in a forest. In the previous stanza you were under water.



A really nice poem and I really liked the imagery and the concept of making feathers denote a heavy thing which is suffocating you. It’s really very nice. But you should consider removing those stops. They short breaks are good at some places but not everywhere.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.

cjscoot wrote:There are feathers. This is a fairly mediocre first line, i has a fair amount of intrigue, but you don't really draw me in.
Pressing down.
On my chest.
And I.
Can’t.
Breathe. The last three lines of this break up the rhythm slightly...but on the other hand I like the effect it gives...your decision.

I’m suffocating under your words This stanza is heaps better than the last, very nice imagry, you really capture how your narrator is feeling.
And every thought you speak
Is an overload of emotion.

Each feather. Weighs.
A ton.
You stand. Above me.
Dropping more.
Smiling.
Because you. Don’t.
Know. It hurts. In the first stanza, I liked the effect the short sentences gave, but here, it weakens the effect of the poem rather than strenthening it.

It would benefit me to lie,
At this point. To convince myself
I don’t need you.
But you’re too addicting.
And I keep on coming back. I'm going to ignore the sentence thing now, this was another brilliant stanza- simple yet effective.

You tie me. To a.
Cannon ball.
Feathers fall.
And suddenly, I can breathe.
But then you unwittingly light the end.
And I’m flying through the air,
Falling, falling, falling.
And suffocating.
Under the.
Water. Er...this is awkward, I can't think of anything to write. Ahem. Moving on...

I’m trying to test myself.
To see how long I can last without you.
To see if I can clear my mind,
And come out the forest alive. My faourite stanza!

I wait.
Alone.
Tired.
Suffocating.
And when you pull me out of the water,
The first thing you do is
Pile. Feathers. On my chest. Ooh, s/he's a beast! You really manipulated my feelings there, well done!

I’m suffocating from your love.
I need to know; are you suffocating, too?
Because if you are, Oh, maybe I misunderstood the poem. Oops. You could either make it a little clearer, or do the more sensible thing and dismiss it as my stupidity.
We could breathe together. Very good last line.

It seems to me like I was a little harsh there, but this is a very god poem! Albeit it still has a way to go before brilliance, but I think you have the potential to be a very intriging poet! (And trust me, that's aq good thing.)

I think I've covered all my nitpicks, so keep it up!

Hii, I'm Demoness and i'll be giving you my opinion on this piece!

Overall I thought this was... No i can't begin like that because it sounds like there were some bad parts too and... there weren't.. I was... S T U N N E D, to say the least. It was really intense and really captured the emotion you were trying to express through these words. It was a great twist with the dots that cut off the sentences at all times, at first I must say it was disturbing but when I thought about it was just the way this needed to be told! You can almost hear the struggle it takes for those words to escape the suffocating narrators throat.. Amazing job!

Good Luck & Keep Writing!

// Demoness

I loved the suffocating feeling that your narrator has, as well as this poem. Most love poems tend to be the same old thing, but you really out-shined them and made this poem unique! I loved this poem, and to be honest, I have no recommendations for improvements! Keep it up!







Ahahaha! I am the princess of evil! Now, kneel at my feet you fools!

I think this poem is amazing. The punctuation really gave a great effect to the overall poem and made it much more dramatic. It was a great poem and I don't believe there is anything that could be corrected in it. I really enjoyed it.

This is really good. I like your display of emotions and how you tell the story. And the way you wrote it, it's epic. Best poem ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!