I was there

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I was there
When you won your first gymnastics medal
I cheered
The loudest

I was there
When you had your first heartbreak
I gave you
My shoulder to cry on

I was there
When our parents screamed at you
I defended you
To the end of the Earth

I was there
When you graduated
Bottom of your class
I was still proud of you

I was there
When you wrecked the car
My senior year
You were drunk
I told the police it was me

I was there
When you flirted with my boyfriend
Right in front of me
I did not confront you
I let you be

I was there
Hidden in the trees
When you kissed my fiancé
The night before our wedding

I was alone
In my hotel room
Crying my eyes out
When I decided
You are no longer my sister
"His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone’s left shoe."




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that is the best poem by far
"peace and guns"




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ur poem wuz good and i hope u write more!
"What is dead my never die, but rises again, larger and stronger..."

*Ride like Lightening, crash like Thunder*


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This is good, very emotional, and a great ending. It has a good rhythm, and seems to flow well.
Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.




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Wow. This is really sad, but it is also extremely well-written. A person trying to be a good sister, but in the end deciding that the one she is defending doesn't deserve to be her sister, but it pains her to say that....
Anyway, I really liked this. I didn't see any mistakes grammatically, so, again, great job!
"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean." -Robert Louis Stevenson
"Write or die trying."
JA hatar pisanje.




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Ah, this gave me goosebumps. I'm not sure why. But it did. It's like.. the ultimate betrayal. I think you should definitely expand this, maybe try writing abotu this same subject material but in a short story maybe? It's really lovely, and I'd like to see a bit more descriptions. Really well done =]
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)




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What is with all these one sentence reviews?!

Okay, here's my review:

I was there
When you won your first gymnastics medal
I cheered
The loudest

I was there
When you had your first heartbreak
I gave you
My shoulder to cry on (You're using the word 'I' a lot. The constant use makes this read more like a rant.)

I was there
When our parents screamed at you
I defended you
To the end of the Earth (this line is weak.)

I was there
When you graduated
Bottom of your class
I was still proud of you

I was there
When you wrecked the car
My senior year
You were drunk
I told the police it was me (this is 5 lines, and breaks with the scheme. I would get rid of the 'my senior year' line)

I was there
When you flirted with my boyfriend
Right in front of me
I did not confront you
I let you be (again, 5 lines. this is also a weak stanza. Getting rid of any one line would make it disjointed, which sort of lets you know that this needs to be strengthened)

I was there
Hidden in the trees
When you kissed my fiancé
The night before our wedding (ooooh snap)

I was alone
In my hotel room (I would combine these two lines to make it 4 lines)
Crying my eyes out
When I decided
You are no longer my sister


So, this is a good poem in my opinion. it is full of emotion,and it tells a really sad and entertaining story. However, you constant use of "I was there" does not make this stronger. On the contrary, it adds an air of repetitiveness to the whole thing. I would get rid of most if not all of those "I was there"s and do some rewording. This poem can hold just as much power without you telling us constantly that you were there. We get it.

Keep writing!

-Tori
Honey, you should see me in a crown.



The best speculative fiction peels your mind and shows you the familiar from a direction you have not looked in before
— Neil Gaiman